Sheldon: Hello, Bobbi.
Bobbi Sparks: You told on me.
Sheldon: Well, actually, my brother figured it out, so, technically, I would argue that I didn't.
Bobbi Sparks: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Uh, I should let you know, I've read a book on jiu-jitsu. And I'm prepared to throw it at you.

Adult Sheldon: While researching how to spend my first collegiate spring break, my sister led me to a documentary on the subject.
Sheldon: Are they screaming for help?
Missy: No. They're having fun.
Sheldon: Are we watching the same show?
Missy: They were stuck in school all year. Now they're going wild.
Sheldon: Clearly. I don't see a single lifeguard.
Missy: You don't have to go to the beach. Just do something besides school.
Sheldon: There is science that suggests taking breaks refreshes the mind and boosts brain function.
Missy: Good. Because the minute I'm old enough, that's gonna be me out there.
Sheldon: You better learn to swim, because no one there's gonna help you.

Sheldon: So, spring break is just around the corner.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm counting the days.
Sheldon: Me, too. Have you reserved the lab yet?
Dr. Linkletter: Why would I do that?
Sheldon: Without the distraction of classes, you and I can really buckle down and get some work done.
Dr. Linkletter: I won't be here, Sheldon. It's my break, too.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Dr. Linkletter: I'm not telling you where I'm going, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why not?
Dr. Linkletter: Because I'll be happy, and I want to stay that way. You're in college. You should be taking spring break as well.
Sheldon: And do what?
Dr. Linkletter: Traditionally, you would congregate with your peers and make bad decisions.
Sheldon: But I'm a kid.
Dr. Linkletter: Then perhaps a game of Duck, Duck, Goose.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Geez, you really do need a break.

George Sr.: What am I supposed to do with her?
Meemaw: I don't know. But be careful. Last time she was this drunk, you ended up with your first son.

Missy: Now you're cooking breakfast for us?
George Sr.: Your mom's not feeling well.
Sheldon: [covering his mouth] Is she contagious?
George Sr.: No. Just tired.
Sheldon: Did you check her for ticks?
George Sr.: Soon as she wakes up.
Sheldon: You can check her while she's asleep.
George Sr.: Sit down!

Missy: Do you even know how to cook?
George Sr.: Believe it or not, I am capable of making breakfast.
Missy: Sorry. It's not like we see you do much around here.
George Sr.: How 'bout, "Thanks for cooking, Dad"?
Missy: Chocolate chips? Thanks for cooking, Dad.

Mary: I can't help but notice what you're driving.
Mr. Lundy: [chuckles] This old thing? I was actually gonna trade it in.
Mary: Are you selling Mary Kay?
Mr. Lundy: With my theater background, I just had a knack for cosmetology.
Mary: You must sell a lot.
Mr. Lundy: Guilty. But, these days, I-I manage my own handpicked team.
Mary: Well, I'm happy for you.
Mr. Lundy: Aw, aren't you a dear? [chuckling] [chuckling] H... Um, hey, do you... ever do sales?
Mary: Me? No.
Mr. Lundy: Really? An attractive young woman like yourself?
Mary: Oh, I don't know about that.
Mr. Lundy: Well, here. Here is my card, in case you ever want to talk. Maybe one day you'll be driving one of these. Instead of one of those.

Mary: How'd it go?
George Sr.: Uh, good. Yeah. I handled it.
Mary: Oh, thank the Lord.
George Sr.: Yeah. Me and the Lord. Team effort.

Sheldon: Why did you move to Texas?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, that's simple. Medford had no Jews, so there was an opening for one.
Sheldon: And you got it? Good for you.
Ira Rosenbloom: (chuckles) I love this kid.
Meemaw: Me, too.

Mary: Thank you, Lord, for this little boy.
Sheldon: I knew I could fix it.
Mary: [LAUGHS] Maybe it was you and the Lord.
Adult Sheldon: I don't like sharing credit, but I knew in that moment it wasn't the appropriate time to say it.

Pastor Jeff:And Jacob said: "For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved."
Sheldon: Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1:18 says, "No man hath seen God at any time." Who's right? Jacob or John?
Mary: Let's talk about it in the car.
[Meemaw raises her hand]
Pastor Jeff: Yes, Connie?
Meemaw: My grandson has a question. Let 'er rip, kid.

Adult Sheldon: There were certain status symbols in Texas that indicated you were a success. A rodeo champion belt buckle... Or as I call it, the Redneck Nobel Prize. Custom-built ostrich skin boots. One less giant running bird in the world is fine by this cowpoke. And possibly the ultimate status symbol... The pink Cadillac, driven by an elite Mary Kay super seller.

Sheldon: "If you were not covered by a retirement plan, but your spouse was, see the worksheet on page 14." Try and stop me.

Ira Rosenbloom: Hold on a second. Hold I got a question for you, Sheldon. When you grow up, are you planning on living in Texas?
Sheldon: Probably.
Ira Rosenbloom: Then I strongly advise you to stay Baptist. Maybe even wear a cross.

Mary: What are you girls reading?
Missy: Christian Teen. It's such a good one.
Mary: Oh.
[Mary takes the magazine off Missy and finds another magazine, Sassy, inside it]
Mary: Really, girls?
Missy: How'd you know?
Mary: Because I am your mother and I know everything. [returns Christian Teen. You can keep this one.
[After Missy discards the Christian magazine, she notices Sheldon watching her and smiling. He quickly looks away.]

Pastor Rob: Gentlemen. How are we tonight?
Billy Sparks: [whispers] Be cool.
Pastor Rob: Y'all wouldn't be planning on throwing any water balloons at the girls later?
Billy Sparks: No, sir.
[Pastor Rob picks up Billy's backpack and removes a water balloon]
Pastor Rob: Nice try.
Billy Sparks: How did he know?
Sheldon: Maybe God told him.

George Sr.: So your first sleepover. Pretty exciting, huh?
Sheldon: No. It's not exciting, it's constipating, and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.

Trang Nguyen: Hello.
George Sr.: Hi. You must be Mrs ... Tam's mom. I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.
Trang Nguyen: Nice to meet you.
George Sr.: Thanks for letting him spend the night. It's his first sleepover. He's excited.
Sheldon: Actually, I'm quite apprehens-
George Sr.: He's really looking forward to it.

Adult Sheldon: Avoiding my mother in our own house was proving to be difficult, so it was time to get creative.
Sheldon: Hello. I'd like to book a room in your hotel. I'd be arriving tonight. No, it's just me. Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy. And how much would this room cost? Wow. Is that per month? Per day? By any chance, do you have a children's rate?

Mary: What'd you get?
Pastor Rob: Backpack full of water balloons.
Mary: Oh.
Pastor Rob: You?
Mary: Sassy magazine. [Peg laughs]
Pastor Rob: Uh-oh.
Peg: I found this Walkman.
Mary: Peg, they can have that.
Peg: Mine now.