George: Do you have any women friends?
Coach Wilkins: Uh-oh. Mary finally wise up and kick you to the curb?
George: I'm being serious.
Coach Wilkins: I have plenty of women friends. Matter of fact, my best friend's a woman.
George: Are you gonna say your wife?
Coach Wilkins: You know I am. She got in the shower with me this morning.
George: I don't need to hear that.
Coach Wilkins: How could something be so clean and so dirty at the same time?
George: I'm sorry I asked.
Coach Wilkins: Are you upset 'cause I said she was my best friend and not you?
George: No.
Coach Wilkins: You're in the top three.
George: Stop talking to me.
Coach Wilkins: Definitely my best white friend.

Missy: Got a minute?
Sheldon: I'm kind of busy. I'm inventing a system of heraldry for two warring tribes of orcs in my D&D campaign.
Missy: Oh. I was hoping we could talk about atheism.
Sheldon: Much like an orc, I'm all ears.

Mary: All right, you two, get ready for bed. Church in the morning.
Missy: I'm not going.
Mary: What do you mean, you're not going?
Missy: I don't think I believe in God anymore.
Mary: What did you do to her?
Sheldon: Hey, she came to me. I mean, I took the ball and ran with it.
Missy: Look at you with a sports analogy.
Sheldon: We're both evolving. Ooh, evolution. Another thing I'll teach you about.

Mary: I don't care what you believe. You are going to church tomorrow.
Missy: I don't want to.
Sheldon: It might be fun. The new youth pastor's starting.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: We can attack his belief system together. Like the Wonder Twins of atheism.
Mary: See? Your brother's excited.
Missy: You just want the new guy to have a bad day.
Mary: I can want two things.

Pastor Jeff: And then his mother put baby Moses in a basket and sent him down the river.
Missy: [raises hand] Why?
Pastor Jeff: Maybe he was crying all night and his mother and father needed a break.
And maybe his grandmother was in town to help out, but she went to bed early because she had jet lag after her flight from Dallas.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, we're gonna revisit getting me some help with Sunday school.
Mary: I am ready, willing, and...
Pastor Jeff: Nope. I want someone who can really connect with the kids.
Mary: But connecting with the kids is what I do.
Peg: What planet are you on?
[flashback:]
Mary: I'm Miss Mary, and I'll be your Sunday school teacher. [as sock puppet] Oh, no, you won't. I will. Slithers, that is a lie. And what's another name for a lie? [hissing] A s-s-sin.
[present:]
Peg: Boy did that s-s-suck.

Pastor Jeff: It's time we hire a youth pastor.
Peg: Fresh blood. I like the sound of that.
Pastor Jeff: I already put in a call to my buddy at the Southern Baptist Convention.
Mary: So, this isn't open for discussion? It's already happening?
Pastor Jeff: As they say in the rec room Tuesday nights: "Bingo!"
Peg: [hisses] S-s-sorry.

Meemaw: Sounds like you and George had a crazy night, huh?
Brenda Sparks: What? No, we didn't.
Meemaw: He has a heart attack, and you get him to the hospital. That wasn't crazy?
Brenda Sparks: No.
Meemaw: Well, thank God you were with him.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I-I wouldn't say I was "with him."
Meemaw: You weren't?
Brenda Sparks: I was there, and he was there, and other people were there.
Meemaw: Okay. [chuckles]
Brenda Sparks: You know, I'm just glad that he's doing better.
Meemaw: Mm. Yeah. Well, it's good seeing you.
Brenda Sparks: You, too.
[Brenda rushes down an aisle with her shopping cart before stopping to look back at Meemaw]

Mary: Anyway, Pastor Jeff is hoping to bring in someone from the outside to help.
Missy: Oh, and you're jealous 'cause you think you can do it better.
Mary: No. I'm sure whoever we get will do a wonderful job.
Missy: She's jealous.
Sheldon: You know it's bad when I can see it.

Pastor Jeff: I drew up a list of interview questions we can ask the pastors.
Mary: [clicks tongue] But these are all softballs. Shouldn't we dig a little deeper?
Pastor Jeff: Are you kidding me? "Who's your favorite apostle and why" is gonna have them squirming in their seat.
Mary: Oh, please, there are 11 good answers and one bad one.

Pastor Andy: Who is my favorite apostle and why? That is a toughie. [chuckles] [Jeff looks knowingly at Mary] Although, I suppose any answer other than Judas is safe. [Mary looks knowingly at Jeff]

Pastor Jeff: So, where you from?
Pastor Charlie: Originally Rhode Island.
Mary: And you're a Southern Baptist?
Pastor Charlie: I guess I'm more of a Northern Baptist, but we're all just Baptists, right? [chuckles]
Peg: I'll show him out.

Georgie: Why are you watching The Ten Commandments?
Missy: I've just been thinking about God.
Georgie: Why?
Missy: I don't understand how a God that's supposed to be good lets such bad things happen.
Georgie: Oh. Hmm. Can you think about it while I watch Yo! MTV Raps?
Missy: Sure.
Georgie: Dope.

Mary: Excuse me? Pastor Rob. [exhales] I'm sorry if I came off a little strong back there.
Pastor Rob: Oh. Hey, you're just trying to do what's best for the kids. I respect that.
Mary: Thank you. And I just want you to know that I am very well-connected with the parents, so if I can be of any help there, please let me know.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, you know, actually, I try not to get too close to the parents. I-I just think it's important for the kids to feel like I'm on their side.
Mary: Okay.
Pastor Rob: Ooh, maybe we could do a, uh, "good cop, bad cop" sort of thing.
Mary: [chuckles] Why am I the bad cop?
Pastor Rob: Oh, I don't have all the answers. Maybe you should ask God. Really looking forward to working with you.

Nick: Hey, Connie. Usual?
Meemaw: Yeah. [chuckles] I spend a lot of money here, right?
Nick: [chuckles] You sure do.
Meemaw: So if my son-in-law was in here doing something stupid, I should know, right?
Nick: I guess.
Meemaw: Before he went to the hospital, was he in here doing something stupid?
Nick: Just hanging out. Why?
Meemaw: No reason. Just watching too many soap operas, I guess. [both chuckle] Let's just keep this between us, okay?
Nick: Sure thing.