Mary: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: The door's locked. Can you open it?
Mary: No. What on earth?
Sheldon: Hello.
Mary: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I made a real germ-proof hedge of protection.
Mary: Oh, honey, you can't stay in there.
Sheldon: I've got a refrigerator, I've got my sleeping bag, and anything else I need I can make out of Legos.
Mary: What's with the Halloween costume?
Sheldon: In case of a breach.
Mary: Stay right there.
Sheldon: That's my plan.

Sheldon: Mom?
Mary: Yes, Shelly.
Sheldon: Can you close the door? I need to use the sink.

Mary: Shelly, if you don't mind me asking, what's your long-term plan here?
Sheldon: I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a self-sustaining ecosystem.
Mary: Okay. And what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.
Meemaw: This just gets better.

Mary: Sheldon! You can't run away from me forever.
Sheldon: I don't have to do it forever. Just till you get tired.

Meemaw: Oh, Moon Pie, I've got a little treat for you.
Sheldon: Chocolate chip?
Meemaw: Mm-hmm, right out of the oven.
Sheldon: Good. That means they're sterile.

Sheldon: But we can get so much accomplished. I could use a spreadsheet program to keep track of your expenses.
Mary: I do that in the back of my checkbook.
Sheldon: Yes, but does your checkbook go "beep" when you open it? I don't think so. Plus, the computer can organize your recipes.
Mary: But my recipes are organized.
Sheldon: On index cards. Like a cave person.

Sheldon: Sorry, Dave. We're living paycheck to paycheck.

Sheldon: Mom?
Mary: Why are you still up?
Sheldon: Madame Curie is on the roof, and she's not wearing her hat.
Mary: You're just dreaming, baby.
Sheldon: But she'll be cold without her hat.
Mary: I'll give her mine. Now you go to sleep.
Sheldon: Mm, thanks, Mom. You're the best.

Mary: Sheldon and Missy, we are out of here in half an hour.
Sheldon: Not a lot of time to pick a toothbrush.

Missy: Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?
Mary: Of course not.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Packing up your kids in the middle of the night and moving in with your mom has all the earmarks of a divorce.

George Jr.: Hey. I hope you're happy.
Sheldon: Thank you, Georgie. That's very kind.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, Georgie, I didn't know.
George Jr.: Yeah, well, now you do. What did you get?
Sheldon: A turkey sandwich Mom cut in the shape of a heart, a fruit cup, a brownie, and a note from Meemaw saying how much she loves me. I haven't read it yet, but I bet it's a lot.

Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: [typing] My parents are fighting a lot.
Computer: I see. Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: My mother bought me this computer but my dad says we can't afford it.
Computer: Do you have issues with your mother?
Sheldon: Mmm, no. She makes me spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
Computer: Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?
Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: The future might be overrated.

Meemaw: Hey, kids, come here. Look at that. It looks like your mom and dad are gonna be all right.
Missy: Does this mean we're going home?
Meemaw: It appears so.
Sheldon: I didn't even get to wear my earmuffs yet.

Sheldon: And this program will allow us to track our family finances, create a budget, and prepare tax documents.
George Sr.: That's impressive.
Sheldon: Would you like to know how much money you spend on beer annually?
George Sr.: No.
Mary: I would.
Sheldon: $936.
Mary: George!
Sheldon: If you switched to Hawaiian Punch, we could live in a bigger house.

Sheldon: I'm done.
Mary: You finished it?
Sheldon: All of it. Ask me which birds are kosher.
George Sr.: I'll bite. Which birds are kosher?
Sheldon: Chickens, yes. Quail, yes. Owls, surprisingly no.
George Sr.: Well, there ain't a lot of meat on them anyway.

Ira Rosenbloom: Hey.
Meemaw: Is this a good time?
Ira Rosenbloom: Absolutely. Come in, come in.
Meemaw: Ira, this is my grandson Sheldon. Sheldon, this is my friend Ira.
Sheldon: Hello.
Ira Rosenbloom: Howdy.
Sheldon: So Meemaw tells me you're Jewish.
Ira Rosenbloom: Right to it, huh?

Sheldon: What about Jesus? He was Jewish.
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, we've got a lot of celebrities. Uh, we've got, uh, we got William Shatner, and Leonard Nimoy.
Sheldon: Kirk and Spock? I want to be Jewish.

Sheldon: I want to understand God. Can you help me?
One: Did you not hear what we just said?
Zero: It's a binary universe.
One: God is yes and no.
Zero: Left and right.
One: On and off.
Zero: Something and nothing.
One: Positive and negative.
Zero: Male and female.
One: Light and dark.
Sheldon: But why is there evil and suffering?
Zero: Well, without evil and suffering, there is no good and happiness.
Sheldon: Oh, sure. Binary.

Zero: Shall we give him the final piece of information that unlocks the secret of the universe?
One: Why not? At least one human being should know the reason for everything.
Zero: Sheldon, before the universe began-
George Jr.: Hey, dummy. You're drooling all over your books.
Sheldon: Huh? No. Zero was about to tell me the secret and you ruined it.