Billy Sparks: Sparks residence, Billy speaking.
Sheldon: This is the electric company.
Billy Sparks: Hello.
Sheldon: I'm calling to see if your refrigerator is running.
Billy Sparks: I'll go check. ... I'm back. It's running.
Sheldon: Well, then you better go catch it. Bazinga.

Sheldon: Hello, um, Meemaw, this is Sheldon. If you were home, I was going to say, "Is Mr. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Is Mrs. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Well, if there are no walls, then how does your roof stay up?" Um, okay. Bazinga.

Missy: That was pathetic.
Sheldon: It was. I'm not sure I'm cut out for these antics and shenanigans.
Missy: I guess you're gonna grow up to be a weirdo.
Sheldon: I suppose I am. Life is so confusing. I always hoped it would be easier for me when I grew up, but now I'm not so sure it will.
Missy: It's gonna be all right. [LOUD FLATULENCE SOUND] You were faking?
Sheldon: Bazinga.

Sheldon: Mind if I join you?
Missy: Doing what?
Sheldon: Swinging.
Missy: Seriously?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: It's my hope to feel the wind in my hair and be carefree.
Missy: Um, okay. ... Sheldon threw up on me. Sheldon threw up on me!

Sheldon: Excuse me, I was hoping to purchase some practical joke paraphernalia so that I may behave childishly.
Glenn: Rack in the corner.
Sheldon: Thank you. "If it's funny, it's a Bazinga." Interesting.

Sheldon: Well, I for one plan to do something about it.
Tam: Like what?
Sheldon: I'm going to goof off, engage in horseplay, and if time permits, be quite immature.
Tam: If time permits?
Sheldon: I have homework, too.

George Sr.: What, the girls leave you out of their little picnic?
Mary: Oh, they invited him.
George Sr.: Well, then why ain't you out there?
Sheldon: Eat outdoors? Do I look like a hippie to you?

George Jr.: I thought Paige was your friend.
Sheldon: She's more of a colleague.
George Jr.: Oh.
Sheldon: Although for reasons unknown, she's currently behaving like a ten-year-old.
Mary: Maybe that's because she is a ten-year-old.
Sheldon: Still no excuse.

Paige: That's when the bloodthirsty Goatman - part goat, part man - crept up on the sleeping children.
Missy: No.
Paige: And sank his sharp little teeth into their necks,
Missy: No.
Paige: And drank their blood!
Sheldon: No.
Paige: Problem?
Sheldon: Several. First of all, goats are herbivores. They don't eat meat, let alone drink blood.
Missy: Maybe the half man part drinks blood.
Sheldon: Don't even get me started on the "half man" stuff.

Missy: Did you guys know Paige speaks three languages?
Meemaw: Really? That's impressive.
Missy: You only speak one.
Sheldon: Two. I'm learning conversational Klingon.

Missy: Hey, Mom, can Paige sleep over this weekend?
Mary: I guess, if her mother says okay.
Sheldon: Wait, where is she going to sleep?
Missy: In your bed. You can sleep on the couch.
Sheldon: Absolutely not. I've already changed my brand of loafers, I am not changing my sleeping quarters.

Missy: Fine, Paige and I can share my bed.
Mary: You okay with that, Shelly?
Sheldon: I trust you two will stay quiet throughout the evening and go to sleep at the appropriate time?
Missy: Absolutely.
Sheldon: All right, then. I'm okay with it, Mom.
Meemaw: How is he ever gonna get through this world?

Stan: All right, I don't have the Sperry loafers in your size, but I do have the Hush Puppies.
Sheldon: I don't wear brown Hush Puppies penny loafers, I wear brown Sperry penny loafers.
Stan: But they're exactly the same.
Sheldon: Well, do they come in a box that says Sperry penny loafers? Because that one says Hush Puppies.
Mary: Just try 'em on, honey.
Sheldon: What if I like them?
Mary: Well, then we'll get them.
Sheldon: All right, let's go over this again. I don't wear brown Hush Puppies penny loafers, I wear brown Sperry-
Mary: Would you give us a moment?
Stan: Happily.

Mary: How do they feel?
Sheldon: My brand loyalty is being severely tested.

Sheldon: Beginning on Wednesday night, I observed my parents arguing over the possibility of us moving to Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Mr. Givens: Ugh, Oklahoma.
Sheldon: The argument escalated and then my father stormed out and bought a Fiero.
[voice breaks] And then I went to my Meemaw's and slept in my underwear. [sobbing, Sheldon drops his paper and runs out of class]
Mr. Givens: That's it. I've wasted my life.

Meemaw: You want to tell me what happened?
Sheldon: Instead of remaining a neutral observer, I got emotional in front of the whole class.
Meemaw: Well, that's not a big deal.
Sheldon: Yes, it is. I'm a scientist. You never hear about Newton crying like a baby when he got brutalized by an apple.

Sheldon: I did read a chapter on repressing emotions. I suppose I could've been doing that to avoid dealing with the fear of change, and moving would certainly be a big change.
Meemaw: That's very astute.
Sheldon: I'd have a new room, in a new house, and the new house would probably have a different smell, and I probably wouldn't like that smell because I don't like new smells, and I'd be going to a new school with new kids and new teachers, and I bet they'd all smell different, as well.
Meemaw: Okay, now calm down.
Sheldon: That's easy for you to say. Your olfactory senses aren't about to be assaulted by the state of Oklahoma.

Meemaw: Okay, let's try a different approach. Can I take you to get some ice cream?
Sheldon: I'm having an emotional crisis, Meemaw. You can't fix that with ice cream.
Meemaw: Right. Sorry. You want to go to RadioShack?
Sheldon: Yes, I want to go to RadioShack!

Sheldon: Well, I was supposed to observe family dynamics over Thanksgiving for my hypothesis, then make a prediction.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. All right. So, um, what did you observe?
Sheldon: My mom and dad arguing over moving to Oklahoma for my dad's job.
Dr. John Sturgis: I would concur with that observation. Now, can you form a hypothesis based on that?
Sheldon: Well, their marriage is a zero sum game. What's good for my father isn't good for my mother and vice versa.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. And your prediction?
Sheldon: Well, based on previous arguments I've observed, my father will try to reassert his dominance by making a meaningless symbolic gesture.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? That seems a bit of a stretch. [George pulls up in a red Fiero with REO Speedwagon's "Take it on the Run" blaring] I will never question you again.

Sheldon: Are we sleeping there? Do I need to bring pajamas?
George Jr.: Just sleep in your underwear.
Sheldon: In my underwear? I hardly think so.