Sheldon: I introduced them. Her math skills are dreadful.

Fred: Will there be kissing and touching?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, you bet.
Mary: Mm. Mm.
Mr. Lundy: Now what?
Mary: Pretend kissing. Pretend touching.

Mary: I will not have innocent children walk through this house on Halloween and see a half-naked woman.
Mr. Lundy: A half-naked woman chock-full of syphilis.
Both: What?
Mr. Lundy: It's pretend syphilis.

Mr. Lundy: Mary, I am a trained theater professional. Why don't you just let me do what I do, while you, you know, go home and make a nice tuna casserole.

Mr. Lundy: Before we begin tonight's descent into Heck, I'd like to tell you a little about myself.
Mary: 'Cause it's all about you, isn't it?

Mr. Lundy: I was God's chosen angel. I was his favorite. We used to go camping together. But then, because I wanted to have a little bit of fun, I was cast from heaven. Tonight, you will bear witness to that fun. You will decide whether it is sinful or just another Saturday night. [LAUGHS] Come with me if you dare. [THUNDER RUMBLES] Just watch your step right over here, 'cause there's some electrical wires.

All: Trick or treat.
Melissa: Oh, look how cute y'all are. Now, I know you are Superman. What about the rest of you?
Missy: I'm Cyndi Lauper.
Tam: I'm a wizard.
Melissa: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: And I'm Carl Sagan.
Melissa: Who?
Sheldon: Carl Sagan. He's the host of Cosmos.

Melissa: Well, isn't that something. Now, y'all be safe and have a fun night.
Billy Sparks: I'm Super-[door shuts]

Veronica: You as smart as your brother?
Georgie: Nobody is.
Veronica: I got an older sister that's kind of a genius.
Georgie: Oh, yeah? Why didn't she tutor you?
Veronica: She's in jail.
Georgie: What'd she do?
Veronica: She sold a pinata full of weed to an undercover cop.
Georgie: Doesn't sound like much of a genius.
Veronica: Oh, I don't know, she graduated high school.

Mr. Lundy: So you see, the sin of greed. Very wealthy man, a beautiful house, swimming pool, several German cars, and a young wife who worshipped him.
Mary: Excuse me, Mr. Satan.
Mr. Lundy: What?
Mary: You kind of left out how greed is the root of all evil, and how it corrupts the soul.
Mr. Lundy: It's in there. It's called subtext.

Missy: Stupid Mrs. Gifford gave me a banana.

Sheldon: Where's Billy?
Missy: He had to go to the bathroom.
Tam: So he went home?
Missy: No. He's right behind that tree.
Billy Sparks: Wait up, guys. Oh, I got a little on my cape.
Missy: Ew.

Adult Sheldon: My mother's fears that no one would be saved that Halloween night were proven incorrect.
Mr. Lundy: As they kissed, she thought about the choices that led her to this moment.
Adult Sheldon: Mr. Lundy's scene about lust made a deep impact on my brother's date.
Mr. Lundy: Her youth was gone. She had traded her beauty for a few tawdry dollars, and now she had nothing left but shame and venereal disease.
Adult Sheldon: She asked to be saved by Jesus.
Veronica: [CRYING] I don't want to live like this anymore.
Mary: Oh, just repeat after me-
Adult Sheldon: And as it turns out, she was. She went on to live a life devoted to God, feeding the poor, even helping her sister start a literacy program for female prisoners. My brother, on the other hand, became a devout atheist after that night.
Mary: We got one!