Mary: Look at this. We threw a party for heaven and nobody came. Not one person chose to be saved.
George: Well, did you tell 'em about the cupcakes?

Meemaw: Where I think you went wrong is in your timing. If you'd done this deal during a war or a plague, then you'd have a boatload of converts.

George: Famine. Famine would bring 'em in.
Mary: What do you know about famine?

All: Trick or treat.
Judy: Aren't y'all precious. And you look like a little Carl Sagan.
Adult Sheldon: Vindication, the sweetest candy of all.

Mary: As I told you on the phone, I have been tasked with mounting this year's Halloween production.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, is that a haunted house kind of deal?
Mary: Yes, but with the goal of bringing people to God.
Mr. Lundy: I do know something about that. When I played Puck in Midsummer, the Tulsa Herald called my performance heavenly.
Mary: Wow! Good for you.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you, thank you.

Mary: What do you think? Pretty great, huh? Realtor's letting us use it for free.
Meemaw: Wow. How'd you swing that?
Mary: Well, I promised Fred Murphy a lead role in the lust room.
Meemaw: Ooh.

Meemaw: Hang on, y'all are trying to scare people into joining the church?
Mary: Yeah. But people like getting scared on Halloween anyway. Why not make 'em jump in the right direction?
Sheldon: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary: They burn in hell. Because God loves 'em.

Mary: I always felt I had a flair for the creative arts, but putting on a big show like that-
Pastor Jeff: You'll have a sizable budget and all the help you'll need constructing sets, building props, special effects, makeup.
Mary: Does sound tempting.
Pastor Jeff: But, most importantly, you'll have an opportunity to bring people to God by vividly demonstrating the perils of sin.
Peg: Be careful if you touch on adultery. Last year, one of the actors got pregnant.
Pastor Jeff: Thanks, Peg.

Mary: I already know the first change I'm gonna make. Instead of calling it "Hell House," which is a little off-putting, I'm gonna call it "Heck House." Isn't that great?
George: That is great.
Georgie: You don't really mean that.
George: Yes, I do.
Georgie: Oh, I get it. Happy wife, happy life.
George: You need to stop talking.

Mr. Lundy: Now, remember, next week, we start our work on Streetcar Named Desire. So please prepare a monologue for either Blanche or Stanley. Usually, the girls do Blanche and the boys do Stanley, but no judgment. You follow your heart.

Mary: Thank you again for letting me come by to pick your brain.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, please. Anything for the church.
Mary: Are you a religious man?
Mr. Lundy: I'm an actor. I'm whatever you need me to be.

Mr. Lundy: Um, have you considered a narrator, you know, um, like, a tour guide kind of thing?
Mary: Oh, that's interesting. But who would that be?
Mr. Lundy: Well, I'd have to think the big man himself.
Mary: God?
Mr. Lundy: Satan.
Mary: Oh! That's spooky. And he's trying to lure people toward sin.
Mr. Lundy: Exactly.
Mary: That's a pretty big role. I wonder who could do it.
Mr. Lundy: Huh. Well, it would have to be someone with enough range to convey sincerity and charm, all the while, hiding a dark and corrupt soul!
Mary: Good golly. If you were just a little taller, you'd be perfect.
Mr. Lundy: I have lifts.

Veronica: Hey. What's up?
Sheldon: This is my brother Georgie. He wanted to meet you.
Veronica: Really?
Georgie: Really.
Veronica: I like your hair.
Georgie: Uh, me, too.

Mary: So, what do you think?
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Spiderwebs.
Mary: What?
Mr. Lundy: We're gonna need some spiderwebs and I think maybe some fire effects on the left and right side of the portal.
Mary: Portal?
Mr. Lundy: Portal to hell.
Mary: [CHUCKLING] Sure, sure.

Tam: Hey, Georgie. I saw you talking to Veronica Duncan.
Georgie: Yeah. So?
Tam: How well do you know her?
Georgie: Not as well as I'm gonna.