Meemaw: Haven't been to many weddings lately. Mostly funerals.
Dale: Yeah, those don't have an open bar. I don't know why I'm so excited. I'm paying for this.

June: Connie, Dale, this is Justin.
Meemaw: Hi, Justin. Nice to meet you.
Justin: Nice to meet you, too.
Dale: You must be a friend of my son's.
June: Actually, he's my date.
Dale: Really?
June: Mm-hmm.
Meemaw: Much more fun than a funeral.

Meemaw: So, how'd you two meet?
Dale: Oh, I've been cutting his mom's hair for years.
Meemaw: Oh, that's nice.
Dale: Bet you when she cuts your hair, you get a lollipop, don't you?
June: Oh, he gets more than a lollipop.
Dale: Really? Is that so?
Meemaw: Dale.

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, why don't you tell Mr. O'Brien about some of your goals at the university.
Sheldon: Well, I'm pushing for stricter dress codes. There are a lot of belly buttons on display.
George: Science goals.
Sheldon: My ultimate goal is to one day devise the grand unified field theory.
Gary: Ah. You're one of those, are you?
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Gary: Well, Kurt Godel's incompleteness theorems eliminate the possibility of a unified theory.
Sheldon: You honestly believe that?
George: Sheldon.
Sheldon: That's... interesting. Tell me more about how Einstein's life goal was nothing but folly.

Dale: What is she thinking?
Meemaw: Maybe she's thinking, "Why did I come here with this guy?" Wait, no, that's what I'm thinking.
Dale: You know what I'm talking about. She brought him here on purpose.
Meemaw: What purpose?
Dale: To upset me.
Meemaw: You know, Dale, not everything is always about you.
Dale: Well, you're mad at me, she's mad at me. It seems like it's all about me.
Meemaw: Well, you owe her an apology.
Dale: Like hell I do.
Meemaw: Then I'm gonna do it for you.
Dale: [whispers] No, wait. Connie, wait.
Meemaw: What?
Dale: Bring me back a beer.

[Missy is about to climb out her bedroom window]
Mary: [at her door] Missy?
Missy: Go away. I'm not talking to you.
Mary: I know you're mad. But I've been thinking about it, and... I trust you enough to know that you will behave yourself. So, just this once, you can go.
Missy: Thanks, Mom. Love you. [climbs back inside]
Mary: [door rattles] Why won't this open?
Missy: Sometimes it sticks!

Meemaw: I know, on the surface, Dale seems like a... a bully, but, underneath...
June: Still a bully.
Meemaw: Well, yes, but a little less of one, right?
June: Sure.

Meemaw: Can you believe that Dale thinks the only reason you brought him here is just to piss him off?
June: That's exactly why I brought him.
Meemaw: What the hell is the matter with you?
June: What?
Meemaw: Why would you go out of your way to upset Dale at your own son's wedding?
June: I don't know. He's my ex-husband.
Meemaw: Well, he's my boyfriend.
June: Hey, that's your problem.
Meemaw: Well, you're starting to be my problem.
June: Geez, who's the bully now?
Meemaw: I knew I shouldn't have come here.