Mary: I hate to say it, but I think we need help with this.
George: Like what?
Mary: Maybe we could take him to that nice doctor who calmed him down when he was convinced he had an enlarged prostate?
George: Sheldon only calmed down when the doctor told him what happens in a prostate exam.
Mary: Poor thing. Still talks about it.

Meemaw: Mary, I'm gonna run and go get my video camera. Don't catch him till I get back.

Meemaw: Oh, Moon Pie, I've got a little treat for you.
Sheldon: Chocolate chip?
Meemaw: Mm-hmm, right out of the oven.
Sheldon: Good. That means they're sterile.

Mary: I'm impressed.
Meemaw: Me, too. I thought I'd lost him at Sissy Spacek.

Principal Petersen: Now, I understand Sheldon is an exceptional child, all right, but when he willfully disobeys the order of a teacher, there needs to be some consequences here.
George: Oh, we couldn't agree more.
Mary: What kind of punishment are you thinking?
Principal Petersen: Well, Mary, in a case like this, a few days of detention.
Mary: Really? That seems a little harsh.
George: Oh, detention's no big deal. Now, my principal used to whup my ass with a paddle. That got my attention.
Principal Petersen: Oh, yeah. Those were the days. Still have mine. Ah, Ol' Spanky. Whoa.
George: Got a real nice grip on that thing.
Principal Petersen: Yeah, George. Had the equipment manager over at the Astros make this for me. The holes in it cut down on wind resistance.
George: Smart.
Principal Petersen: But these days you have to have a consent form to whack the kids. I don't know where this world's headed.
George: You ought to get one of those for when Georgie acts up. Like you never thought about going upside his head with a slab of wood.
Principal Petersen: You know, there was a time this thing gave me tennis elbow.

Sheldon: Have you ever been in detention?
Tam: No. But I do take the school bus. And that is no party. It's like a mental hospital on wheels.
Sheldon: That's a good use of simile.
Tam: Thanks. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. I hope.

Mary: Shelly, baby, please come on out.
Sheldon: I can't.
Mary: Come on. I'm your mommy. Do it for your mommy.
Sheldon: No.
Mary: But I'm your mommy.
Meemaw: [LAUGHING] Y'all are killing me. [LAUGHING]: "I'm your mommy."

Adult Sheldon: Enjoy this. It is, by far, the most athletic two minutes of my entire life.

George: I actually think it'd be good for him. He needs to learn he's not special.
Mary: But he is special.
George: You know what I mean. He can't just walk out of a classroom 'cause he feels like it.
Mary: He was worried about catching a cold. That is a legitimate concern. And now he's in danger of being mugged by a roomful of hoodlums.
George: He's not getting mugged. It's half a dozen kids doing homework while a teacher watches 'em.
Meemaw: Although it might not hurt to give Sheldon a few dollars to buy himself some protection.
George: That's actually not a bad idea.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Georgie: Nothing.
Sheldon: Is that chewing tobacco?
Georgie: It's chocolate Bazooka. What do you want?

Mary: Sheldon's not sick, but he has become overly concerned with getting a cold or the flu.
Dr. Eberland: Well, any symptoms. Runny nose, achy, sore throat, fever?
Mary: No.
Dr. Eberland: All right, well, Sheldon, if you do catch a cold, or even the flu, it's not the end of the world.
Sheldon: The flu was the end of the world for half a million Americans during the influenza epidemic of 1918.
Dr. Eberland: Really?
Sheldon: In India, 17 million people died.

Dr. Eberland: Sheldon, you have nothing to worry about. Even if you did get the flu, it's usually over in a week.
Sheldon: Why are we getting medical advice from a man who smokes?
Mary: Sheldon.
Dr. Eberland: O-Okay, I have patients who are actually sick. Maybe we should wrap this up.
Sheldon: How come you don't get sick all the time?
Dr. Eberland: Well, I take precautions. I wash my hands, I wear gloves and a mask.

Sheldon: What's going on?
Missy: I'm not feeling so good. [COUGHS LOUDLY]
Sheldon: Biohazard! Biohazard! [Sheldon jumps out of bed, runs out of the room]
Missy: Sucker.

Mary: Come here. I know you don't believe in this, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Lord, I pray for my son Sheldon that you protect him from all illness and disease, and keep him healthy and keep him safe, and protect him from his head to his toes, inside and out. Amen.
Sheldon: You're right. I don't believe in that. But it did feel good. Thanks.
Mary: In the Bible, that's called a hedge of protection.

Ms. MacElroy: Where do you think you're going?
Sheldon: Away from you.
Ms. MacElroy: Why's that?
Sheldon: I want to live.
Ms. MacElroy: I'm not sick. Get back in your seat.
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Ms. MacElroy: You know the rules. You can't leave without a hall pass.
Sheldon: May I have a hall pass?
Ms. MacElroy: No, you may not. Now get back in your seat.