Sheldon: According to B.F. Skinner, if I can find the appropriate punishment to motivate Missy, there's no limit to what she might be able to learn. But what might that punishment be? Whip her with a rubber hose? No. That sounds like a recipe for tendinitis. Administer small electric shocks? Tricky. If I get the voltage wrong, I could spend the rest of my life in an institution for the criminally insane. Or I inflict harm on the object she loves more than life itself. Celeste, you're about to become part of scientific history.

Sheldon: True or false? At times, you have referred to yourself as being dumb.
Missy: True.
Sheldon: And do you enjoy feeling that way?
Missy: No.
Sheldon: Well, let me change that. I'm presenting you with an opportunity to achieve the full potential of your mind.
Missy: Are you gonna do some experiment where we switch brains?
Sheldon: No.
Missy: 'Cause I've seen it on Gilligan's Island and I've seen it on The Flintstones and it never goes well.

Sheldon: While we're here, would you like me to introduce you to algebra?
Missy: Al who?
Sheldon: Oh, boy. It's not a person, it's an ancient Arabic method of finding the value of variables.
Missy: Oh. Nah.

Sheldon: What are you working on?
Missy: A list of possible boyfriends for my Cabbage Patch doll. How do you think Celeste would look next to Joey Lawrence?
Sheldon: I don't know who that is.
Missy: He's Blossom's brother.
Sheldon: I don't know who that is.
Missy: It's a show. She wears hats.

Adult Sheldon: In Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, we learned how humans taught the apes to become civilized. Which I think should start with potty training, but I'm not a screenwriter.

Sheldon: Try thinking of it this way: imagine a pie. The number on the bottom of the fraction is how many pieces the pie has been sliced into.
Missy: What kind of pie is it?
Sheldon: Doesn't matter.
Missy: But it would help me picture it if I knew the kind of pie.
Sheldon: Fine, it's banana cream.
Missy: I don't like banana cream.
Sheldon: Okay, what kind of pie would you like it to be?
Missy: What about those little apple pies from McDonalds?
Sheldon: Sure.
Missy: I burned my mouth on one of those. Didn't stop me. I still ate it.

Georgie: Okay, here we go. "From that time, Jesus began to preach and say 'Repent, c-change your inner self, your old way of thinking, regret past sins, live your life in a way that proves repentance: seek God's purpose for your life." Powerful stuff. Can I get an amen?
All: Amen.
Mary: Amen.

George: What are you doing in here?
Sheldon: I'm keeping a video diary of my experiment to create homo novus.
George: Homo what?
Sheldon: Novus. It's Latin. It means "new man."
George: Oh. I guess that's okay.

George: Y-Your mom's at church. W-What do you want for dinner?
Sheldon: I believe you know what I want for dinner.
George: Is that right?
Sheldon: It's Thursday. What does Mom always make me on Thursdays?
George: Spaghetti and hot dogs?
Sheldon: [to the camera] Socrates. Got to love him.

Meemaw: I took a real beating at the craps table, and then I won it all back playing Caribbean Stud Poker.
George: Well, how does Caribbean Stud Poker work?
Meemaw: I have no idea. I was drunk off my ass.

Georgie: Hey, Mom, just a heads-up, I'm getting baptized tomorrow.
Mary: Good Lord. That boy's randiness knows no bounds.

Sheldon: Is it working? Are you feeling motivated?
Missy: Very. [Missy punches Sheldon in the face]