Sheldon: I thought you were good at this.
Missy: I was. Coach Dale says I have the yips.
Sheldon: [covers mouth] It's not contagious, is it?
Missy: No, it happens in sports. Suddenly you can't do a thing that used to be easy.
Sheldon: It doesn't sound real.
Missy: Then why can't I pitch anymore?
Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps it's the onset of puberty and the hysterical mood swings that go with it.
Missy: Dingus, house.
Sheldon: You're only proving my point.

Meemaw: [reading Sheldon's note explaining George Jr. took her car and was driving them to the hospital] Son of a bitch. I hate those kids!

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, will you do me the honor of being my wife?
Meemaw: Oh, John, I don't know.
Dr. John Sturgis: How can you not know? It's a binary decision.
Meemaw: It's more complicated th-than that.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't see why. We're compatible.
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: We enjoy each other's company.
Meemaw: I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: And we've become extremely proficient in the bedroom. There's very little wasted effort.
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] John, sit back down and lower your voice.
Dr. John Sturgis: Little help? Down is easier than up.

Sheldon: Mom?
Mary: Yes, honey?
Sheldon: Do I have to sit downwind of Georgie's cologne?

George Jr.: Want to give it a spin?
George Sr.: These things really pay out?
George Jr.: All the time. Not that one. We call it the homewrecker.
George Sr.: [whispers] Which one, then?
George Jr.: That one's your buddy.
George Sr.: Yeah?
[later:]
George Sr.: Look at me! I-I won two dollars!
[George gives his dad a thumbs up and then shakes his head to himself]

Sheldon: See? This is the kind of nonsense you have to deal with when you're around kids.
George Sr.: He does have a point.

George Sr.: Hey.
George Jr.: Mom send you?
George Sr.: No. She also doesn't know I'm here, so let's keep that between us.
George Jr.: All right.
George Sr.: Where's your meemaw?
George Jr.: Not here. She leaves me in charge when she's gone.
George Sr.: Is that right?
George Jr.: I also handle stuff in the Laundromat.
George Sr.: Well, good for you.
George Jr.: So... you're okay with me working here?
George Sr.: Well, since I never been here and we never had this conversation... ...sure.

Sheldon: [knock knock knock] Veronica. [knock knock knock] Veronica.
Veronica: Come in. Hey, Sheldon, what's up?
Sheldon: I printed out my bathroom schedule. I can't speak for anyone else in this family, but you can count on it being occupied during these times.
Veronica: Thank you. This is very helpful.
Sheldon: I know.

Sheldon: Why are you watching wrestling?
Missy: They beat the crap out of each other. It's great.
Sheldon: I bet it's all fake.
Missy: Does that look fake to you?
Sheldon: Okay, it's nice to know something's real.
Missy: Ooh, he's bleeding.

Adult Sheldon: I needed a new plan. One where I could reach the masses. The front page of the campus newspaper was my best course of action. I deployed every weapon in my literary arsenal. Humor.
Sheldon: So funny.
Adult Sheldon: Gravitas.
Sheldon: So moving.
Adult Sheldon: Fearmongering.
Sheldon: So scary.
Adult Sheldon: And last but not least, heartfelt emotion.
Sheldon: Eh, not where I shine. I'll end on fear.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, I got to campus early to get a copy of my article, hot off the presses. Normally, I don't like getting newspaper ink on my hands, but this was worth it. Plus, I had Wet-Naps.
Sheldon: Where's my exposé?
Clark: I didn't run it.
Sheldon: What? Why?
Clark: You're blaming this whole thing on a grand chancellor. There's no such person.
Sheldon: Of course there is. He's President Hagemeyer's boss.
Clark: She doesn't have a boss. She's the president.
Sheldon: Yes, she does, and we've been trying to fight him, but he won't budge.
Clark: The grand chancellor?
Sheldon: Well, when you say it like that it sounds made-up.
Clark: How would you say it?
Sheldon: The grand chancellor. I've been had.

Peg: Hey, little man. How you doing?
Sheldon: You smell like cigarettes.
Peg: You're fun.
Sheldon: Do you know what this binder is?
Peg: It's a record of donations people make to the church.
Sheldon: This data could easily be transferred into a computerized spreadsheet. Why isn't it?
Peg: No idea.
Sheldon: You also smell like mothballs and Ben-Gay. [Peg turns and walks away] Bye.

George Sr.: They area weird-looking couple.
Mary: You want to eat at my mom's, too?
George Sr.: Oh, come on. You got eyes.

Mary: Georgie.
George Jr.: Hey, what are you doing here?
Mary: I know about the room in the back.
George Jr.: Do you know whether or not I know?
Mary: Yes.
George Jr.: Okay, that's gonna save us a lot of time.

Professor Ericson: [to Sheldon] Hey. How come you didn't want to get out of bed this morning?
Sheldon: If I can't know what's real, what's the point?
Professor Ericson: You have the right words. You're just saying them wrong. It's not, [shrugs] "What's the point?" It's, "What's the point?"
Sheldon: I don't understand.
Professor Ericson: Asking these questions is exciting. It's what gets me out of bed.
Sheldon: That's interesting. Richard Feynman did say the greatest joy in life is the pleasure of finding things out.
Meemaw: Feynman... He's the physics guy, right?
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.
Sheldon: It's all making sense to me now. Thank you.
Professor Ericson: I am happy to help.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class and switching my major to philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, what?

Adult Sheldon: President Hagemeyer was counting on me to turn the tide of public opinion and ignite the outrage of my fellow students.
Sheldon: Excuse me, would you like to sign my petition? It's about the university reducing our science requirements.
Lyle: [chuckles] Less science? Sweet.
Sheldon: No, it's to stop the reduction and keep our science curriculum strong. [Lyle walks off] Are you hurrying off to tell your friends?
[later, a student signs Sheldon's petition and hands it back to him:]
Sheldon: "Ben Dover." Thanks, Ben.
[montage:]
Student #1: No.
Student #2: Nuh-uh.
Student #3: Nope.
[later:]
Sheldon: Excuse me, would you like to sign my petition about keeping our science requirements strong?
Patricia: Of course. If you'll sign mine to increase funding for the school jazz band.
Sheldon: Let's pretend we never met.

George Jr.: Honestly, I do not understand the female mind.
Mary: Do something.
George Sr.: Georgie, why don't you go eat dinner in front of the TV?
Pastor Jeff: No, it's all right. Sounds like Georgie's having trouble navigating the perilous waters of a relationship. Believe me, I can understand.
George Jr.: You having problems with your hot wife?
George Sr.: Maybe I'll go eat by the TV.

Mary: I thought you were hanging out with Veronica tonight.
George Jr.: We were supposed to, but then she invited a bunch of her choir friends over, and it turned into a stupid Bible study. No offense.
Pastor Jeff: None taken.

Sheldon: It's funny. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed, and now I stand before a whole new exciting field of study.
Meemaw: Well, maybe instead of making this big switch, you could study both. You could be physics-philosophy guy.
Sheldon: You sound like a logical positivist. That's a branch of philosophy that maintains the best way to philosophize is through science.
Meemaw: Well, there you go. Do that.
Sheldon: It may be too early to specialize. I've only been a philosopher for 15 minutes.
Meemaw: Did you notice Dr. Linkletter didn't look too thrilled about you leaving science?
Sheldon: He never looks thrilled about anything. I think that's just his face. [Meemaw turns to look at Sheldon] That's the face.

George Sr.: So, uh, who do you think the Oilers are gonna take in the draft?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, I don't really follow sports.
George Sr.: I'm just gonna eat.