Mary: Is Georgie here?
George Sr.: No, I think he's still at work.
Mary: Do you know that that Laundromat is just a front for gambling?
Missy: Cool.
Mary: Missy Cooper, that was not for your ears. Go to your room.

Mary: My mother is running a gambling room out of the back of the Laundromat, and she has Georgie helping her.
George Sr.: They never invited me.
Mary: George. We have to get him out of there.
George Sr.: Mary, we told him not to drop out of school, he dropped out of school. Told him he couldn't have girls in the garage, he has girls in the garage.
Mary: He does?
Missy: [o.s.] So many.
Mary: [scoffs] Missy!
Missy: [o.s.] I'm in my room.
Mary: Well, close the door. [Missy's door creaky slowly] All the way. [door closes]

George Jr.: Veronica says I'm the nicest guy she knows. She also says she only wants to date nice guys. Does that mean she wants to date me?
Pastor Jeff: I bet she doesn't.
George Jr.: No, she does not. Doesn't make any sense.
Pastor Jeff: Nothing they do makes any sense.

George Sr.: Well, in my family, we don't quit.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, I don't know. You quit my book club pretty quick.
George Sr.: I'm talking about football!
Coach Wilkins: Why is it so important to you that he play?
George Sr.: Are you sure you're a coach? Team sports provides confidence, leadership, discipline.
Coach Wilkins: So does holding down a job, which he seems to shine at.
George Sr.: Let's just eat in silence.
Coach Wilkins: Fine. I still think you should have read The Color Purple. We were bawling.

Meemaw: Dr. Sturgis and I are going to Louisiana, do a little gambling.
Sheldon: So a donation could be forth coming?
Meemaw: Don't jinx me.

George Jr.: Here, let me show you around.
Veronica: Oh. O-Okay.
George Jr.: Of course you remember the living room, where we have our prayer group. And this is the dining room. That's where we'll dine. But in the mornings, we dine in the kitchen.
Of course, if you'd like a snack, that'd be in the refrigerator or the pantry. You know, where your snack foods would be.
Veronica: Sure.
George Jr.: Washer, dryer. Plus, we got those little sheets that smell nice and fight static cling. And here's our entertainment room.
Veronica: Hey, guys.
Missy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
George Jr.: We don't have cable, but we do have all three major broadcast networks. Here's the bathroom, for hygiene and whatnot. And here's where you'll be sleeping.
Veronica: Did I take your room?
George Jr.: Yes, but I'll be on the couch. Which is right near the TV and the kitchen, so I'm peachy.

Sheldon: Why are you watching wrestling?
Missy: They beat the crap out of each other. It's great.
Sheldon: I bet it's all fake.
Missy: Does that look fake to you?
Sheldon: Okay, it's nice to know something's real.
Missy: Ooh, he's bleeding.

Sheldon: [knock knock knock] Veronica. [knock knock knock] Veronica.
Veronica: Come in. Hey, Sheldon, what's up?
Sheldon: I printed out my bathroom schedule. I can't speak for anyone else in this family, but you can count on it being occupied during these times.
Veronica: Thank you. This is very helpful.
Sheldon: I know.

George Sr.: Hey.
George Jr.: Mom send you?
George Sr.: No. She also doesn't know I'm here, so let's keep that between us.
George Jr.: All right.
George Sr.: Where's your meemaw?
George Jr.: Not here. She leaves me in charge when she's gone.
George Sr.: Is that right?
George Jr.: I also handle stuff in the Laundromat.
George Sr.: Well, good for you.
George Jr.: So... you're okay with me working here?
George Sr.: Well, since I never been here and we never had this conversation... ...sure.

Sheldon: See? This is the kind of nonsense you have to deal with when you're around kids.
George Sr.: He does have a point.

George Jr.: Want to give it a spin?
George Sr.: These things really pay out?
George Jr.: All the time. Not that one. We call it the homewrecker.
George Sr.: [whispers] Which one, then?
George Jr.: That one's your buddy.
George Sr.: Yeah?
[later:]
George Sr.: Look at me! I-I won two dollars!
[George gives his dad a thumbs up and then shakes his head to himself]

Sheldon: Mom?
Mary: Yes, honey?
Sheldon: Do I have to sit downwind of Georgie's cologne?

Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, will you do me the honor of being my wife?
Meemaw: Oh, John, I don't know.
Dr. John Sturgis: How can you not know? It's a binary decision.
Meemaw: It's more complicated th-than that.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't see why. We're compatible.
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: We enjoy each other's company.
Meemaw: I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: And we've become extremely proficient in the bedroom. There's very little wasted effort.
Meemaw: [QUIETLY] John, sit back down and lower your voice.
Dr. John Sturgis: Little help? Down is easier than up.

Meemaw: [reading Sheldon's note explaining George Jr. took her car and was driving them to the hospital] Son of a bitch. I hate those kids!

Sheldon: I thought you were good at this.
Missy: I was. Coach Dale says I have the yips.
Sheldon: [covers mouth] It's not contagious, is it?
Missy: No, it happens in sports. Suddenly you can't do a thing that used to be easy.
Sheldon: It doesn't sound real.
Missy: Then why can't I pitch anymore?
Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps it's the onset of puberty and the hysterical mood swings that go with it.
Missy: Dingus, house.
Sheldon: You're only proving my point.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm recreating our first date! The same restaurant, the same table, the same jacket. Different eyelashes, though, because they regenerate every two to three months.
Meemaw: Mine are the same, actually. They're fake.

George Sr.: What, Billy won an award?
Brenda Sparks: Participation. Big whoop.
George Sr.: I guess it's something.
Brenda Sparks: Well, he ain't the sharpest pencil in the box, but he's the sweetest kid I know.
George Sr.: Well, Sheldon is the sharpest pencil. Sometimes I'd just like to shove his head in that box.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Mary: Her mother's boyfriend has a drinking problem, and things have been getting out of hand.
George Sr.: You waited till I had a beer to tell me this story, didn't you?
Mary: You always have a beer.

Adult Sheldon: Traditionalism is the philosophy that the best way of life is a return to the past.
George Jr.: What are you doing?
Sheldon: [shaking a jar] Making my own butter, like in olden times.
George Jr.: That's stupid.
Adult Sheldon: My arms are still sore.

Mary: So good news. We're gonna have a houseguest for a couple days.
George Jr.: Oh, not Aunt Ruth.
Sheldon: Her beard is very scratchy.
George Sr.: My sister doesn't have a beard.
Missy: Did she shave it?