Sheldon: Good morning. I'm Sheldon Cooper. Thank you for taking the time to hear my proposal. I have some handouts.
Mr. Anderson: I-I'm sorry, who are you?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm... Sheldon Cooper. I'm here to pitch my idea for a grant computer database.
Mr. Anderson: How old are you?
Sheldon: When you hear my presentation, I believe you'll realize my age is irrelevant.
Mr. Anderson: So there's no adult with you?
Sheldon: Well, my mom drove me here, but I told her to wait in the car.
Mr. Anderson: Is this a joke?
Sheldon: I assure you, it's not. When I make jokes, I follow them with a "bazinga" so it's clear. Like this: "Bazinga."

Sheldon: My parents are being completely unreasonable. They won't even let me drop out of school. And even after I told them that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs both dropped out of college.
Dr. John Sturgis: What did they say?
Sheldon: They said, "We don't care what your friends do, you're not dropping out."
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, Sheldon, I know it's disappointing, but, uh, I think they just have your best interests at heart.
Sheldon: They said that, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: And for every Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, there's a Paul Labiscous.
Sheldon: Who's that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly.

Adult Sheldon: Every culture has its own traditions to celebrate important life events: bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, baby's first Comic-Con. My favorites are funeral and baby shower. They're the only two thrown in your honor you're not expected to attend. [whispers] Love it.

Sheldon: President Hagemeyer, we have a problem.
President Hagemeyer: What now, Sheldon? The Yoo-hoos in the vending machine aren't cold enough?
Sheldon: Actually, they aren't, but we'll table that for later.

Dr. Linkletter: This will allow us to calculate the speed of sound in the liquid using the standard elements of the Einstein field equations. The answer is only correct, of course, if the density changes slowly. And to begin, we use the standard equations of thermal physics to simplify the answer... [sniffing] Wh-Wha-What am I smelling?
Sheldon: Oh, that might be my sauerkraut and knockwurst.
Ben: [raises hand] It is.
Dr. Linkletter: Why are you eating sauerkraut in my classroom?
Sheldon: I'm acclimating my body to a Germanic meat-based diet.
Dr. Linkletter: At 11:00 a.m.?
Sheldon: It's dinnertime in Heidelberg.
Dr. Linkletter: We're not in Heidelberg.
Sheldon: But I will be over the summer, so I'm trying to adjust my internal clock to the local time so I can hit the ground running mitout jet lag.
Dr. Linkletter: I got to get back to my lecture, if that doesn't interfere with your meal.
Sheldon: Oh, dinner and a show, I love it. Although... would you be a lamb and open this jar of mustard for me?
Dr. Linkletter: Here are two words you don't often hear... poor Germany.

George: You know, you seem pretty stressed out... Maybe it'd be easier if I go to Germany.
Mary: You got to be kidding.
George: Well, it might make more sense. I got the summer off. And, come on, beer and sausage? I've been training for that my whole life.

Mandy: Okay, we got diapers, wipes, change of clothes, bottles, binkies, bibs.
Georgie: And we got your boobs, so we're set on food.
Mandy: Okay, please don't bring my boobs up when we're at my parents' house.
Georgie: Well, what if it comes up naturally?
Mandy: It won't.

Missy: You made fun of her for not having the right insurance?
Dale: It was a joke. The only thing I got wrong was the timing. If I said it two or three years later, everybody's laughing their ass off.

Sheldon: Professor Salzman, I just wanted to let you know that I studied up and am now well-versed in the Calabi-Yau manifold.
Professor Salzman: Okay.
Sheldon: It was never part of the curriculum at East Texas Tech.
Professor Salzman: East Texas Tech? Sounds charming.
Sheldon: It's actually quite humid. Regardless, I'm ready to reassert myself as class leader.
Professor Salzman: Your classmates are from some of the most elite universities in the world. There is no East MIT.
Sheldon: Well, I would have gone to a better school, but I was 11, which you have to admit is pretty impressive.
Professor Salzman: Sheldon, at some point we ask of the piano-playing dog not, "Are you a dog?" but, "Are you any good at playing the piano?"
Sheldon: Excuse me?

Evan: It's your call. Particle accelerator, or no particle accelerator?
Sheldon: Let me fetch my money sock.
Evan: You keep your money in a sock?
Sheldon: My meemaw keeps her money in her bra.

Mary: Well, we disagree. Reverend Travis says that the Lord wants me to be prosperous and I believe him.
Pastor Jeff: This is nothing but a coincidence. You overpaid your taxes, you got a refund, Jesus has nothing to do with it.
Mary: You sound like Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I believe I know my way out. [Mary points to the door]

Mary: [on the phone] Hi, Pastor Jeff. Can you come over right now? I need you to save someone's soul.
[Cut to Mary opening the front door to Pastor Jeff, who is holding his bible:]
Pastor Jeff: Whose soul needs saving? Is it Sheldon? I've been waiting for this.
Mary: No. We're still praying for him. Come in, we don't have much time.

Georgie: It's for my daughter. Mom baptized her in the kitchen sink, and Mandy's mom did it in a Catholic church.
Sheldon: Sure. Baptists versus Catholics. Much blood was shed over that in the 1500s.

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Meemaw. [knocks three times] Meemaw. [knocks three times] Meemaw.
Meemaw: [opens door] What?
Sheldon: Oh, my, you look terrible. [covers his nose and mouth with his inner elbow] Are you sick?
Meemaw: Of life, yes.
Sheldon: Oh, good. [lowers elbow] That's not contagious.
Meemaw: Get in here. The light's killing me.
Sheldon: You smell like alcohol. Yucky.

George: It's nothing like that. I got a job offer from Rice.
Georgie: A-Roni?
George: University.
Georgie: You can understand the mistake.