Sheldon: We've been friends for a while now, haven't we?
Tam: I suppose so.
Sheldon: Given that, how would you feel about a sleepover?
Tam: Sure. Your mom lets you watch TV. Jake and the Fatman is on tonight.
Sheldon: I meant we could sleep at your house.
Tam: But you'll miss Jake and the Fatman.
Sheldon: Even better. So what do you say?
Tam: I'll have to ask my mom.
Sheldon: Well, be sure to tell her I'm clean, I'm well-behaved, and if you don't have a lot of room, I can fit in really tight spaces.

George Sr.: So your first sleepover. Pretty exciting, huh?
Sheldon: No. It's not exciting, it's constipating, and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.

George Sr.: Hey, here's a funny prank you can try tonight. When Tam falls asleep, put some shaving cream in his hand and then tickle his nose.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause then he'll go to, you know, scratch his nose, and he gets shaving cream on his face.
Sheldon: And then what?
George Sr.: Well that - that's it.
Sheldon: But I'm a guest in their home, and that doesn't seem like a very good way to repay their kindness.
George Sr.: Never mind.
Sheldon: And what if the shaving cream gets in his eyes? That would sting.
George Sr.: Sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon: Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream. I'd have to use his dad's, and that-
George Sr.: Forget it!

Tam: Sheldon. Did you hear anything I said?
Sheldon: Sorry, I was reliving a traumatic experience.
Tam: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Tam, I have a secret that's weighing on me, and I need to tell someone.
Tam: Okay. Tell me.
Sheldon: But I promised I wouldn't.
Tam: Okay. Then don't.
Sheldon: But it's driving me crazy.
Tam: Too bad you're not Catholic. You could confess it to a priest.
Sheldon: That's a great idea. You're Catholic. I'll confess it to you.
Tam: I'm not a priest.
Sheldon: I'm not a Catholic. It makes perfect sense.

Tam: Okay, whenever you're ready.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Tam: I'm assuming the position.
Sheldon: Okay. Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.
Tam: I forgive you, my son.
Sheldon: I was doing my parents' taxes and noticed a check was missing. I asked my father about it-
Adult Sheldon: As I walked Tam through the whole sordid affair, I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders. It was a relief to finally unburden myself of this deception. By the time I reached the end, I felt like a new person.
Sheldon: That's the whole story.
Tam: Cool. Can we play now?
Adult Sheldon: And now that my conscience had been cleared, my colon was ready to do the same.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom!

George Sr.: Sheldon, I'm talking to you.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not talking to you.
George Sr.: Okay, what's going on?
Sheldon: After having my first good night's sleep in a week, I woke up with a fresh perspective.
George Sr.: And that is?
Sheldon: It was irresponsible of you to burden me with that secret.
George Sr.: Sheldon, we've been through this. It's complicated.
Sheldon: While I may not look up to you from an intellectual standpoint, I've always looked up to you as a role model. I can't do that anymore. And don't worry, we made a deal. I'll continue to keep your secret.

Sheldon: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light-years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor Jeff: Sure.
Sheldon: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor Jeff: Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon: He has four limbs and they have eight.

Pastor Jeff: Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
Sheldon: What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world? Would they be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?

Sheldon: Meemaw, could you take me to Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sure, maybe later.
Sheldon: Later's a little vague. Could you please be more specific?
Meemaw: When I'm good and ready. How's that?
Sheldon: Better, but I'd really like to nail this down.

Sheldon: Any more thoughts on Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sheldon, do you really think this is the appropriate time to ask that question?
Sheldon: I did, but now I'm second-guessing myself.

Sheldon: Mom, have you received any distressing phone calls today?
Mary: No. Why?
Sheldon: Just wondering if it's an appropriate time to ask if you could take me to Radio Shack.

Mary: Sorry, sweetheart, I can't today. I have to bring this food over to the Hanson family. Then I have my new prayer group. And after that, I'm gonna get started on a faith garden in the backyard.
George Sr.: A faith garden? What the hell is that?
Mary: Language. It's an outdoorsy place for me to speak to God.
Missy: Don't you already speak to him indoorsy?
Mary: Yes, but in the backyard, I can enjoy the beautiful world he gave us.
Sheldon: You can also smell the Sparks' chicken coop.

George Sr.: Good night. Sweet dreams.
Missy: Mom gives us kisses.
George Sr.: Fine.
Missy: Mm, your beard is scratchy.
George Sr.: Too bad. Sheldon?
Sheldon: I respectfully pass.

Missy: Now you're cooking breakfast for us?
George Sr.: Your mom's not feeling well.
Sheldon: [covering his mouth] Is she contagious?
George Sr.: No. Just tired.
Sheldon: Did you check her for ticks?
George Sr.: Soon as she wakes up.
Sheldon: You can check her while she's asleep.
George Sr.: Sit down!

Mary: Sheldon, faith means believing in something you can't know for sure is real. And right now, I am struggling with that.
Sheldon: So you don't believe in God anymore?
Mary: That isn't something for you to worry about. I need to figure this out myself.
Sheldon: Can I help? Maybe I could provide a fresh perspective.
Mary: I don't think so, baby.
Sheldon: Did you know that if gravity were slightly more powerful, the universe would collapse into a ball?
Mary: I did not.
Sheldon: Also, if gravity were slightly less powerful, the universe would fly apart and there would be no stars or planets.
Mary: Where you going with this, Sheldon?
Sheldon: It's just that gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be. And if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn't one percent, life wouldn't exist. What are the odds that would happen all by itself?
Mary: Why are you trying to convince me to believe in God? You don't believe in God.
Sheldon: I don't, but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there's a creator.
Mary: Baby, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but logic is here. And my problem is here.
Sheldon: Well, there are 5 billion people on this planet and you're the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?

Sheldon: You seem awfully young, Paige. Are you with an adult who's taking this class?
Paige: No. Dr. Sturgis heard about my research on quantum chromodynamics at high temperatures and invited me to audit his course.
Sheldon: Is that so?
Paige: Yes. He's been super nice.
Sheldon: Interesting. Well, just so we're clear, he's my mentor, he's my meemaw's boyfriend, and he had spaghetti and hot dogs at my house.

Paige: The spaghetti goes on the hot dogs?
Sheldon: No. You realize this is a very advanced class. We'll be discussing deriving nuclear physics from the quark model.
Paige: Do you know if he'll be doing a full color octet calculation with matrix manipulations?
Sheldon: I do not.
Paige: Do you know how to differentiate under the integral sign?
Sheldon: No.
Paige: [CHUCKLES] Well, do you know anything?
Sheldon: I know you're in my spot.

Meemaw: Awful quiet back there.
Sheldon: I'm having an emotion I'm unfamiliar with.
Meemaw: Hmm. Think it might have something to do with your new classmate?
Sheldon: It's possible. She's the only variable in the social equation.
Meemaw: So what are you feeling?
Sheldon: My face is hot, I've a knot in my stomach, and I'm resisting the urge to kick your seat right now.
Meemaw: I'm thinking it might be jealousy.
Sheldon: No, that's not in my nature.
Meemaw: All right, let's go through all the emotions. I'm looking at your face, so I'm gonna rule out happy. Are you sad?
Sheldon: No, there's too much anger in there.
Meemaw: Oh, well, maybe you're angry.
Sheldon: No, there's too much sad in there.

Meemaw: Maybe you got a little crush on her.
Sheldon: Do you want me to kick your seat?
Meemaw: I don't know, Moonpie. I'm still thinking it might be jealousy.
Sheldon: Give me one reason why I would be jealous.
Meemaw: Well, Dr. Sturgis means a lot to you, and now he's paying attention to somebody else. You're used to being the only smart kid around, and now there's another. Oh, and there's the possibility-
Sheldon: I said one reason, thank you.

Sheldon: And she's such a know-it-all.
Meemaw: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Sheldon: I'm surprised her arm wasn't sore from raising her hand so much.
Meemaw: Yep, sure.
Sheldon: And who goes to college with stickers on their notepad?
Meemaw: I don't know.
Sheldon: Unicorn stickers!