Kimberly: We're here with the Cooper family. Mary, George and eleven-year-old Sheldon, who's going to be Medford High School's valedictorian. Mom and Dad, you must be so proud.
George Sr.: Oh, very proud.
Mary: But we're proud of all of our children.
Sheldon: She has to say that.

Sheldon: I was a little worried about missing Professor Proton, but I'm going to tape it and watch it at night. Once I'm in college, can we push my bedtime to 8:30?
Mary: Let's talk bedtime when we're not on the news, honey.
Sheldon: I'm sure it'll work out since I have all summer to recalibrate my bathroom schedule.
Mary: Let's not talk about that, either.

Kimberly: Sheldon, tell us what you're gonna miss the most about high school.
Sheldon: Nothing.
Kimberly: Really? Not your teachers, your friends?
Sheldon: I only have one friend. And I don't think he's gonna miss me because he already found other people to have lunch with.
Mary: Oh, I'm sure he'll miss you.
Sheldon: And I said I'm okay with watching Professor Proton at night, but that'll never work. I get overtired... everybody knows that!
George Sr.: Maybe we could turn the camera off.
Sheldon: And the other day, I couldn't find my safety goggles and I freaked out in school, and my dad asked is this how I plan on acting when I get to college, and I said no, but it probably is because even though I'm smart, I'm just a little boy!
Kimberly: I think we have enough.
George Sr.: Cut.

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Mom? [knocks three times] Dad?
Mary: [o.s.] Yeah, baby? [Sheldon opens his parents' bedroom door]
Sheldon: I'm ready to graduate. Good night. [exits]
George Sr.: That's because I supported him.

Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Sheldon: Do you think I can make it from one end of the college campus to the other in under ten minutes, including a bathroom break?
Mary: I don't know. How important is the bathroom break?
Sheldon: Very. The class schedules are designed for fully-grown bladders, and mine is child-sized.
Mary: Then don't put your classes so close together.
Sheldon: Well, it's either this or I move my labs to Tuesday afternoons.
Mary: Is that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. That's when Professor Proton is on.
Mary: Well, we'll tape it, and you can watch it later.
Sheldon: But what if I have a lot of homework and can't get to it until the next day and one of the kids in my class spoils the episode for me?
Mary: Sheldon, has anyone ever spoiled Professor Proton for you?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: Has anyone even talked to you about Professor Proton?
Sheldon: Do you count?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Then no.

Sheldon: I also found this letter from Caltech. I wonder why she was hiding it.
Missy: So read it.
Sheldon: I'm not allowed to. It's not addressed to me.
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: The U.S. Postal Service is a government agency. Mail is protected by federal law.
Missy: I'll read it.
Sheldon: Don't. If you do, I'll be an accessory to the crime.

Missy: Interesting.
Sheldon: What does it say? No, don't tell me. Okay, tell me. No, don't!
Missy: Sheldon, if I tell you but you never look at it, then you didn't break the law, right?
[later:]
Janice: [answers phone] Law offices of Morris, Morris & Yorn. Janice speaking.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello. I'd like to speak to either Morris, Morris or Yorn.
Janice: May I ask what it is in regard to?
Sheldon: Well, I was slicing a hot dog...

Sheldon: [on the phone] So if I don't actually look at the letter, legally I'm in the clear? Thank you. This has been very helpful. And if in the future, you have any physics questions, Janice has my info.

Mary: I'm home.
Sheldon: Would you care to explain this letter, which I didn't read but legally know the contents of?

Sheldon: Dad.
George Sr.: What the hell are you doing here?
Sheldon: I need to talk to you.
George Sr.: How'd you even find me?
Sheldon: It's not like you come home smelling like coffee.

Mary: Hey. What are you doing with him? I thought you were in your room.
Sheldon: Oh, don't worry. I was.
George Sr.: I need to talk to your mother. Go back to your room.
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: And this time, stay there.
Sheldon: Aw.

Sheldon: Now you don't want me to go to college either?
George Sr.: I didn't say that. I'm just saying, given how young you are, we need to be realistic.
Sheldon: I'll have you know I recently took care of my own boo-boo.
George Sr.: And as grown-up as that makes you sound, I don't think it's gonna convince your mother.
Sheldon: What will convince her?
George Sr.: I don't know, but I'm sure between the two of us, we can come up with a plan.
Sheldon: Well, you managed to get her to marry you, so you do have a track record.

George Sr.: You ready?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: Okay, we're rolling.
Sheldon: Hello, Mother. I'd like to present my case as to why I should be allowed to go to East Texas Tech next year. And I'll keep it simple so you don't get confused.
George Sr.: Stop.
Sheldon: Something in my teeth?

George Sr.: So, we agree that the only way this is gonna happen right now is if you stay local.
Sheldon: I can always go away for grad school someday. And truth be told, I don't have the emotional maturity to squish my own bugs.

[As Sheldon finally retrieves the errant piece of hot dog meat from under the refrigerator:]
Sheldon: Whew. That was driving me crazy. Thank you for getting me into college.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper, ready for college, ready to change the world.
George Sr.: Cut.
Sheldon: If that doesn't convince her, I don't know what her problem is.

Sheldon: Thank you for this opportunity to plead my case. And I'd like to thank my cameraman and driver, Dad.
George Sr.: What, I'm not even, like, assistant director?
Sheldon: No. Sit back, enjoy.

[on the video tape:]
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Sheldon Cooper, and this is Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College. I realize attending college in another state or country is unrealistic at this time. Which is why I'm proposing that I live at home but enroll full-time to continue my studies with Dr. Sturgis at East Texas Tech. I firmly believe that I'm ready for this next step in my academic life. But don't just take it from me...

Sheldon: I've put together a presentation detailing the reasons why I should be allowed to go to college, and I'd like you to watch it with an open mind.
Mary: I can do that.
Sheldon: Excellent. Is Meemaw here? I smell cigarettes.