Tam: You see a large red button. What do you do?
Billy Sparks: I press it.
Tam: The floor opens up and you plunge into a 60-foot pit.
Billy Sparks: I fly out. Up, up, and away!
Sheldon: Again, you're not Superman in this game; you're Superman for Halloween.
Tam: Which isn't till next week.
Billy Sparks: So I'm in a pit.
Tam: You're in a pit.
Billy Sparks: Then I blast my way out with my super breath! [BLOWING]
Sheldon: Just let him do it.

Mary: It's awful. It makes sin seem like a good thing.
George: Well, that's the problem, isn't it? I mean, if sin didn't seem like a good thing, nobody would do it.
Mary: George, please, I'm in no mood.
George: Hey. Wrath. That's one of the seven sins, right?
Mary: Pastor Jeff gave me this project because he knew I'd be best at it. Now Gene Lundy is taking over.
George: Oh, look, pride. And envy. Don't stop. Four sins to go. I'm guessing lust ain't happening tonight.

Billy Sparks: Did you know Superman has a dog? His name is Krypto. He plays fetch in space.

Adult Sheldon: I know what you're thinking: she's going to tear his throat out. But what in fact happened is she did what she thought Jesus would do. She went home and made that tuna casserole. It was a little salty but I ate it because she was in a mood.

Georgie: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh. Hi, Georgie.
Georgie: Why was Veronica Duncan hugging you?
Sheldon: I'm tutoring her in trigonometry.
Georgie: And that gets you hugs?
Sheldon: Thanks to me, she got her first C-minus. Just between us, she's a little slow.
Georgie: That's not what I heard.
Sheldon: What did you hear? Is she secretly clever? Because if she is, I completely missed it.

Pastor Jeff: As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House may have been a tad traumatizing.
I thought it was a hoot.
Peg: Some of the little ones peed their pants.
Pastor Jeff: But that wasn't the goal.
Peg: A nine-year-old crapped himself.

Mary: Do I need to remind you that the purpose of Heck House is to show how sins destroy our lives?
Mr. Lundy: Yeah, so?
Mary: You are making them into a good thing.
Mr. Lundy: Have you read the script? He's gonna get syphilis. He goes home, he gives it to his wife. She goes crazy. She kills him and her entire family. What am I missing?

Missy: So it's not gonna be scary?
Mary: It will, but without all the blood and gore.
Missy: But I like blood and gore.

Georgie: You just need to introduce me to her.
Sheldon: Why?
Georgie: I want to be her friend.
Sheldon: Well, you better take a number. She's friends with a lot of boys around here.

Mary: Um, I was hoping to put on a little play in each of the rooms that portrays one of the seven deadly sins.
Mr. Lundy: Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath and greed!
Mary: Wow, you know your sins!
Mr. Lundy: Well, again, I'm an actor. They are the tools in my box.

Meemaw: Look at you, just wheeling and dealing like a big-time Hollywood producer. Maybe you're in the wrong business.
Mary: Being a mother?
Meemaw: Being a Christian.
Mary: Ah.

Mr. Lundy: Greetings!
Mary: Oh, good! Mr. Lundy, you made it.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, we're gonna be working together. You can call me Gene.
Mary: All right, Gene, this is my mother, Connie.
Mr. Lundy: Hi.
Meemaw: Hello.
Mr. Lundy: Now, I would've bet she was your big sister.
Meemaw: I thought you said he was a good actor.

Mr. Lundy: Now, the script calls for me to appear from beneath the house in a cloud of smoke.
But I think that's gonna be ambitious.
Mary: Script? What script?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, I wrote a script. Don't worry about it.
Mary: I was gonna write the script.
Mr. Lundy: Well, now you don't have to.
Mary: Do you believe this?
Meemaw: Believe it, love it, glad I didn't wait in the car.

Mr. Lundy: Greetings. Pleased to meet you. I go by many names: Satan, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub. Of course, when I make a dinner reservation, I-I go by "Eric." It's easier to spell.

Sheldon: Eh! I can't believe no one in this town knows who Carl Sagan is. Why even have a TV?