Dr. John Sturgis: Sometimes roommates can become lifelong friends. I still exchange letters with my roommate from the mental hospital. They're written in a language he made up, but it's nice to know he cares.

Sheldon: And now there's bunk beds in my room? It's like summer camp. Two words I loathe.

Missy: I'm totally into old movies. You know, Breakfast Club, Goonies, Pretty in Pink.

Mary: [sighs] Well, I can take off work and look after y'all.
Meemaw: We're fine.
Mary: Fine? You're on the floor. What happens if you need to use the bathroom?
Meemaw: Depends.
Mary: Depends on what?
Meemaw: [chuckles] No, it's a joke.
Mandy: [laughs] I got it. [both laughing]
Mary: What's the joke? Tell me.

George Jr.: Oh, that there's a real good one. You should get it. I'll ring it up.
Robert: I don't know.
George Jr.: Don't know? Whoopi Goldberg as a singing nun? What's there to think about?
Robert: I might be more in the mood for action.
George Jr.: She's on the run from the mob. You'll love it. I'll ring it up.

Meemaw: Let me lay here for just a minute.
Mandy: Can I get you some ice or something?
Meemaw: No, no, no. You've got to stay in bed. [exhales]
Mandy: Okay. Well, you look like the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady.
Meemaw: That's because I have fallen and I can't get up. [laughs] Okay, it hurts when I laugh. [laughing]

Dr. John Sturgis: We want to offer you a job.
Sheldon: And for you to wash your hands.
Toby: I already have a job.
Dr. John Sturgis: We know. We want you to do the same thing, but for more money.
Toby: Okay.
Sheldon: Really, that's all it took? Where's the loyalty?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, this is what we want.
Sheldon: I know, but what if somebody comes along and offers him more money? Is he just gonna leave us?
Dr. John Sturgis: Are you?
Toby: Probably.
Sheldon: We can hire him, but he cannot go to the bathroom alone.
Dr. John Sturgis: [offers hand] Welcome aboard.
Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's hit that sink.

Sheldon: Right now we have more important things to focus on than the name, like how are we going to build this.
Gary: Grant-opolis. Grant-cano. No, wait. The Grant Canyon. Oh, that's gonna look great on a T-shirt. Hey, what size do you guys wear?
Sheldon: [covers speaker] This is not helpful. Can't I hang up on him?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I have to remind you...
Gary: Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: ...he's funding the entire project. He should remain included.
Gary: Hello?
Sheldon: Fine. [uncovers speaker] The Grant Canyon is a terrible name. It sounds like a place grants go to die.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'm including him.

Missy: If you're looking for something to watch, I'd recommend Princess Bride.
Charlie: Really?
Missy: I know it sounds a little girly, but there's an awesome sword fight and André the Giant's in it.
Charlie: Cool. Thanks.
Missy: Just doing my job. I'm Melissa, by the way.

Dr. Linkletter: Ah! I knew it. You poached my programmer.
Dr. John Sturgis: You poached his idea.
Dr. Linkletter: Toby, what happened to loyalty?
Sheldon: It's annoying, isn't it?
Dr. Linkletter: There's an old saying: "You mess with the bull, you get the horns".
Sheldon: Well, there's a new saying: "We have a programmer and you don't".
Dr. John Sturgis: [giggles] Yeah.

President Hagemeyer: Really? You poached our programmer?
Dr. Linkletter: I left him alone for five minutes to use the bathroom.
Sheldon: I don't know why you're so surprised. I'm told that business is a high-stakes game where if you're not ruthless, you're toothless.
Dr. John Sturgis: We just learned that.
Dr. Linkletter: You could have hired anyone else.
Dr. John Sturgis: Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

President Hagemeyer: Oh, you want to play hardball? We can do that, too. You see, Sheldon gets a lot of perks at this university that could go away real fast.
Sheldon: But I like my perks.
President Hagemeyer: How would you like to have a roommate or two in that dorm room of yours?
Sheldon: Let's give her what she wants.
Dr. John Sturgis: Stay strong.

President Hagemeyer: Look, all I'm saying is you need us as much as we need you. Now, for example, we have a mainframe computer and you don't.
Dr. Linkletter: Ha! No mainframe, no database. Who's toothless now?
Sheldon: We can get our own mainframe.
Dr. John Sturgis: We can? They're really expensive.
Sheldon: I'm trying to be ruthless. Work with me here.
Dr. John Sturgis: We can.

Mary: Hey. I brought you a snack and some magazines.
Mandy: Oh, thanks, but I should probably finish this. Although I do know how it ends. With bodily fluids. Everywhere.
Mary: And then a sweet little boy or girl.
Mandy: Oh, um, it's a girl.
Mary: [gasps] Really?
Mandy: Yeah, Georgie didn't want to know so I haven't said.
Mary: Well, that is wonderful! Oh, it'll be our little secret.
Meemaw: [o.s.] I already know! Don't go feeling like you're special.
Mary: Do you mind? We're having a moment here.
Meemaw: Carry on.

Mary: [sighs] As you can see, the mother-daughter bond is strong.
Mandy: Well, compared to me and my mom, you two are magic.
Mary: Well, we've had our ups and downs. [quietly] She wasn't the easiest mom to grow up with. Sometimes I felt like I was kind of raising myself. But now we're practically best friends.
Mandy: Yeah, I don't think that's in the cards for me and my mom.
Meemaw: [o.s.] I hear you whispering in there. Don't listen to her, Mandy.
Mary: Dear Lord, I was just telling her how you and I are best friends!
Meemaw: That's how you talk to your best friend?

Missy: Are you happy?
George Sr.: He is way too old for you.
Missy: Have you seen you and Mom?
George Sr.: Hey, your mother and I were high school sweethearts.
Missy: Yeah, she was in high school. You were, like, 25.
George Sr.: People looked older back then.

George Sr.: So, you know, me and Brenda are just friends. She's been going through a rough patch and just needed someone to talk to.
Missy: Okay.
George Sr.: Good.
Missy: Why'd you say it was about chickens?
George Sr.: Because it's Brenda's personal business, and- And just trying to be a good neighbor. And she didn't want Billy to worry, so we used the chicken coop. Which all makes sense, right?
Missy: I guess.
George Sr.: Good. I'm glad we can talk about these things.
Missy: Me too. Someday we'll talk about Mom and Pastor Rob.

Mary: I'm Mary Cooper. Georgie's mom.
Audrey: Oh. Hello.
Mary: I don't know what's going on between you and your daughter, but you need to get over it. She is scared, she is pregnant, and she needs her mother.
Audrey: I'm getting parenting advice from a woman whose 17-year-old son got my daughter pregnant?
Mary: Yes, you are. Georgie made a mistake, but I did not cut him out of my life.
Audrey: You don't know...
Mary: I don't care. You are her parent. Act like it. So, grow up, call your daughter and make it right. Now!
Audrey: Well, I need...
Mary: I said now.
Audrey: I was gonna say I need the phone number.
Mary: Okay. Do you have a pen?

Sheldon: President Hagemeyer, have you come to meet my new roommate, VAX 6000?
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, you can't have a mainframe in your dorm.
Sheldon: Actually, there's no rule against it. I can't have a candle, a microwave, a hot plate, a coffee maker, a toaster or a waterbed. But there's nothing against a mainframe.
President Hagemeyer: Well, I'm the president of the university and I'm telling you you can't.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're just trying to sabotage our project because you know we're gonna beat you to market. Sheldon, plug it in.
[When Sheldon plugs it in, the mainframe units light up and the hard drives whirr. A moment later, Sheldon's dorm room, the building, and then the whole university are plunged into darkness]
Sheldon: [o.s.] There really should be a rule against this.

Sheldon: What's all this? It looks like algorithms for a searchable database.
Dr. Linkletter: At a glance, anything can look like an algorithm for a searchable database. [off Sheldon's stern look] Very well, it's an algorithm for a searchable database.
Sheldon: That was my idea.
Dr. Linkletter: If you'll recall, it was our idea.
Sheldon: Are you programming a database for him? [Toby looks to Dr. Linkletter]
Dr. Linkletter: Go ahead.
Toby: Yeah.
Dr. Linkletter: Yeah.

Sheldon: So the data comes in here, and then it's divided into three tables that I'm calling X-sub-1, X-sub-2, X-sub-3.
Dr. John Sturgis: Good, good. And then over here, it's subjected to data normalization, so we don't end up with any duplicate data fields.
Gary: [over conference phone] I've got it. Grant Daddy.
Dr. John Sturgis: What?
Gary: The name of our company: Grant Daddy. I mean, it's sexy and sophisticated, but still John Q. Lunchpail can wrap his arms around it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Where are you?
Gary: Oh, you know, my lawyers have advised me not to say, but I'm pretty sure I'll be allowed back in the country very soon. Taxes, am I right?
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh.

Dr. Nicholson: So, how are you feeling?
Mandy: Fat and disgusting.
Dr. Nicholson: I mean, are you having any discomfort, fatigue?
Mandy: Yeah, that's all I have.
Meemaw: I think what she's saying is she feels eight months pregnant.
Mandy: Eight. 800.

George Jr.: Hey, sorry I'm late. Just a reminder, Doc, I don't want to know if it's a boy or girl. I want it to be a surprise.
Meemaw: Wait, hold up. If we're all here, who's looking after the Laundromat and the video store and the, uh, other establishment?
Dr. Nicholson: Oh, the gambling room?
Meemaw: Huh?
Dr. Nicholson: It's okay. I lost a hundred bucks there last week.
Meemaw: Oh. [chuckles] Then you know we're good for the bill.

Mandy: Okay, uh, back to me. Uh, how's everything looking in the oven?
Dr. Nicholson: Well, baby seems okay, but I am concerned about your blood pressure.
George Jr.: Mm. You think it's preeclampsia?
Mandy: Georgie, let the doctor talk.
Dr. Nicholson: Actually, that's a possibility.
George Jr.: I read the book. Did you?
Dr. Nicholson: I'd like to put you on bed rest for a week and then recheck you.
Mandy: Is that really necessary?
Georgie & Dr. Nicholson: It is.

George Jr.: Dr. Linkletter, I had a question about today's lecture. I'm sorry, who are you?
Toby: You must be Sheldon.
Sheldon: I am.
Toby: I was told not to talk to you.
Sheldon: Why not?
Toby: I was told not to tell you that.
Dr. Linkletter: [enters] Ah, I see you've met Toby.
Sheldon: I have not. He wouldn't tell me his name.
Dr. Linkletter: Good man.

Missy: I call dibs on video store.
George Sr.: Aw. I wanted video store.
Missy: Too bad. I called dibs.
George Jr.: Great, you got the Laundromat.
George Sr.: But I don't want the Laundromat.
George Jr.: Well, dibs are dibs. She called it.
Missy: He's a good boss.
George Jr.: That's right.

President Hagemeyer: Well, then I guess we'll see who gets to market first.
Sheldon: I guess we will.
President Hagemeyer: Hmm. So, have you already started programming?
Sheldon: No.
President Hagemeyer: Do you have access to a mainframe?
Sheldon: That depends. Can I use the university's mainframe?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Then we're still figuring it out.
President Hagemeyer: I see.
Sheldon: Well, we already have a name, do you?
President Hagemeyer: As a matter of fact, we do. We're calling it Granted.
Sheldon: Ugh, that is such a good name.
President Hagemeyer: Thank you. And what's yours?
Sheldon: Never mind.

Mary: And what's going on with you?
Mandy: Oh, high blood pressure. Doctor wants me on bed rest.
Mary: Probably worried about preeclampsia.
Mandy: Did everyone read this book?

Gary: [on phone] [old woman's voice] Hello, Mr. O'Brien's office.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is Mr. O'Brien there? It's John Sturgis and Sheldon Cooper.
Gary: [normal voice] Oh, it's me. I was just making sure you weren't the IRS.

Gary: [on phone] Well, there's nothing wrong with a little competition. I mean, you think I was the only person designing anti-static lab furniture?
Sheldon: You weren't?
Gary: No. I researched the competition, outbid their manufacturers and tied them up in court so long they ran out of money.
Dr. John Sturgis: That seems a little ruthless.
Gary: Hey, if you're not ruthless, you're toothless.
Sheldon: I like that.
Gary: [chuckles] I know. It rhymes.

Doreen: Hey. Look what your machine did to my underwear.
George Jr.: Made 'em huge?
Doreen: It dyed 'em pink.
George Jr.: Oh, right. Here. Next wash is on us. I got to go check on something in the back.

George Sr.: Everything working okay for you?
Eileen: I heard about you. You're that panty sniffer.
George Sr.: No. No, no, no, there was no sniffing.
Eileen: Barbara, he doing it again.
George Sr.: No. No. Uh, I... Oh, I give up.

George Jr.: Sorry, I'm a little short-staffed today. I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. All right. There's your teddy bear. Here's your cash. Teddy bear. Cash. Teddy bear. Hey, this is a dry cleaning ticket. Get out of here. Punk.

Charlie: [to Missy] So, you doing anything later?
George Sr.: Yeah, she's going home with her father.
Missy: Dad.
Charlie: I-I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know.
George Sr.: Yeah, did you know that she's in the seventh grade?
Missy: Dad!
Charlie: I thought she was older.
George Sr.: Well, now you know. Beat it.

Meemaw: How you doing?
Mandy: Uh, well, I'm lying in bed and a nice lady just brought me food. It's not the worst.
Meemaw: Well, you haven't tasted it yet. Doctor said no salt.
Mandy: Oh, I'm sure it's great.
Meemaw: I tasted it. It sucks.

Sheldon: Hello?
Carlos: Yeah, I'm here to install some bunk beds.
Sheldon: But I don't need bunk beds. I'm just one person.
Carlos: All I know is they're turning this room into a triple.
Sheldon: Triple?

Sheldon: [on the phone] This is getting serious. They're playing hardball. And hardball is just one more type of ball I'm bad at.
Gary: Okay, just calm down. I'm sure I can find us a used mainframe.
Sheldon: Where? How? From whom?
Gary: I don't know, but Jupiter just entered Sagittarius, so I have a good feeling.
Sheldon: You're not filling me with confidence, Gary.
Gary: Ah, teenagers. Always so angsty. I love it.

Mandy: [on the phone] Hey, Mom, it's me. No, nothing's wrong. I was just calling to talk. No, I am not calling to apologize. [Mary eavesdrops from the hallway] No, I don't need any money. No, I don't need anything from you. You know what? This was a mistake. Yeah, goodbye.

Missy: Hi. Welcome to Video Village. I'm Missy, I'm in seventh grade, and that's my father.
Carl: Uh, hi. I'm Carl, I'm 31, and my dad is dead.
George Sr.: Yeah, I'm sorry about her. And your dad. What are you doing?
Missy: Saving you the trouble of embarrassing me.

George Sr.: Look, it's not easy seeing you talk to guys. Especially older guys.
Missy: You want to know what's not easy? Hearing from Billy Sparks about you and his mother hanging out in their chicken coop.
George Sr.: What?
Missy: He said he saw y'all leaving there the other day.
George Sr.: [snorts] We were talking chickens.
Missy: And he said it wasn't the first time.
George Sr.: They got a lot of chickens. [Missy sighs]

Delivery Man: I have a delivery for Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: That's me. What is it?
Delivery Man: A computer mainframe.
Sheldon: He got one.
Delivery Man: I just need to tell the guys where to put it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I suppose it could go in here.
Sheldon: Or I think I have a solution to my roommate problem. I can't have roommates if my dorm has no room for those mates.
[cut to Sheldon smiling as large computer units are wheeled into his dorm:]
Sheldon: Right this way.

George Sr.: Need any help over here?
Barbara: Are you trying to touch my underwear?
George Sr.: No, ma'am.
Barbara: Well, then step away.
George Sr.: Yes, ma'am.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] But the university's already ahead of us.
Gary: Yeah, but do they have a really cool company name?
Sheldon: Yes, they're calling it Granted.
Gary: Damn, it was right there.