Missy: Meemaw, are you gonna have any more babies?
Meemaw: Good Lord, no!
George Jr.: She's too old to have any more babies.
Meemaw: Don't have to have 'em. You live long enough, your hair and your teeth start falling out, you start wetting the bed, you get to be one.
George Jr.: [laughs] That's funny. We're gonna have to put a diaper on you.
Meemaw: You won't be laughing when you're doing it. I might be.

Meemaw: What are y'all watching?
George Jr.: Little Rascals.
Meemaw: You know most of those kids are dead, right?
Missy: What?
Meemaw: Alfalfa, Stymie, Buckwheat.
Missy: Even Petey the dog?
Meemaw: Oh, especially Petey the dog.
George Jr.: Thanks for making it depressing.
Meemaw: You're very welcome.

Meemaw: How about I cut that pork chop off the bone and throw it in the blender with some gravy?
Sheldon: If it fits through a bendy straw, I'll drink it.

Mary: What's he drinking?
Meemaw: Pork chop and gravy. I snuck some broccoli in there, too. Shh.

Mary: I'm real glad you've been getting out again.
Meemaw: Me, too. We had a nice dinner, took a walk. He's a divorcee, you know.
Mary: I didn't.
Meemaw: It's not a big deal for those people. If they're not a lawyer, they're related to one.

Mary: Well, I don't know what else to do. I suggested that we take him to some kind of professional, but you said he'd outgrow it.
Meemaw: Well, if you're looking for a psychiatrist, I bet my new fella's related to one.

George Sr.: If we take him to a shrink, it feels like we're admitting something's wrong with him.
Mary: He hasn't had solid food in five weeks.
Meemaw: Well, if there is something wrong with him, it ain't constipation.

Meemaw: Well, here's something nice. You know that Mr. Rosenbloom with the furniture store over by the steakhouse?
Mary: I don't think so.
Meemaw: Oh, sure you do. That Hebrew fella with the comb-over?
Mary: You mean Jewish?
Meemaw: I think they like to be called Hebrew. Anyway, he's asked me to dinner.

Mary: What'd you say?
Meemaw: I said I'd have to think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about?
Meemaw: Well, a lot. I mean, assuming he enjoys dinner, he might want a scoop of Meemaw for dessert.
Mary: Mom, the kids.
Meemaw: I said "dessert." Did you know I was talking about sex?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: See?

Pastor Jeff: I thought I'd talk this morning about how it all began. Now, everybody knows how, on the first day of creation, God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. And when God saw that light, he knew it was good.
*Sheldon raises his hand*
Meemaw: Oh, here we go.

Sheldon: Mom!
Meemaw: Ah. There they are!
Mary: Hey. Oh.
Meemaw: Ha! I lost the little rascals in the hall.

Mary: Why are they here?
Meemaw: I think it's obvious. They love their daddy.
Mary: No, I get that. Why aren't they home in bed?
Meemaw: Well, nobody could sleep. I thought it was the right thing.

Sheldon: Good bluff.
Meemaw: Shh.

Meemaw: Hold up. Now, y'all like it when your meemaw babysits. Poker, candy, firecrackers.
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, if your mother ever finds out what you did tonight, that is never gonna happen again.
Sheldon: I can't lie to my mother.
Meemaw: Sure you can. Believe in yourself!

George Jr.: What's taking so long?
Meemaw: Shh. Keep your voice down, car thief.
George Jr.: I didn't steal your car, I just borrowed it.
Meemaw: You're gonna need to make bail someday. Do not come to me.

Meemaw: Yeah?
Mary: What took you so long to answer?
Meemaw: Powdering my nose. What's it to ya?
Mary: Sorry I asked.

Mary: How are the kids?
Meemaw: Oh. (chuckles)They were a little worried, but I handled it.
Mary: They sleepin'?
Meemaw: Um Yeah, yeah. You bet.
Mary: Thanks again for helpin'.
Meemaw: Oh, hey, these are my grandchildren. They are my blood.

Meemaw: [reading Sheldon's note explaining George Jr. took her car and was driving them to the hospital] Son of a bitch. I hate those kids!

Meemaw: Mary.
Mary: Mom!
Meemaw: Where are they?
Mary: Where's who?
Meemaw: (calming tone) More importantly - how is George?

Missy: Is Daddy gonna be okay?
Meemaw: Oh, yeah. Your Pop-Pop used to have little chest pains all the time.
Sheldon: Didn't he die of a heart attack?
Meemaw: Well, for insurance purposes, yes.