Sheldon: Good morning. I'm Sheldon Cooper. Thank you for taking the time to hear my proposal. I have some handouts.
Mr. Anderson: I-I'm sorry, who are you?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm... Sheldon Cooper. I'm here to pitch my idea for a grant computer database.
Mr. Anderson: How old are you?
Sheldon: When you hear my presentation, I believe you'll realize my age is irrelevant.
Mr. Anderson: So there's no adult with you?
Sheldon: Well, my mom drove me here, but I told her to wait in the car.
Mr. Anderson: Is this a joke?
Sheldon: I assure you, it's not. When I make jokes, I follow them with a "bazinga" so it's clear. Like this: "Bazinga."

Missy: What's going on?
George Jr.: Sheldon wants to quit college.
Missy: So I'm the only one who's not a dropout? Who saw that coming?

Mr. Lockhart: Look, building a company is not a part-time endeavor. We need to know our partners are as committed as we are.
Sheldon: So you want me to drop out of college?
Mr. Lockhart: Of course not. We want to give you money to build a grant database. I guess the question is... what do you want?
Sheldon: Well, I-I want that too, but I should probably ask my mom.
Dr. John Sturgis: My mom is long dead, so... I'm good to go.

Mr. Lockhart: How soon do you think you could have a prototype?
Sheldon: Well, working around my class schedule and a sensible bedtime, I think within a year.
Mr. Lockhart: If we fund this, we'd expect you to work on it full-time. We don't want someone else beating us to the punch.
Dr. John Sturgis: I suppose I could, uh, take a sabbatical from teaching, but my bedtime is also quite rigid.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, sometimes people assume, because of my age, that I'm out of touch, that I, uh, don't know how to use new technologies, that I, uh... Hold on, there's a third one.

Sheldon: No one will even listen to my ideas. I'm being discriminated against because I'm too young.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry to hear that.
Sheldon: I can't wait till I'm your age and people treat me with respect and reverence.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sometimes older people get discriminated against, too.
Sheldon: For what? Getting smaller and cuter year after year? Look at you.

Missy: And just so you know, Little Mermaid is rated G, and they totally kiss. On the lips.

Sheldon: How long does it take to grow a mustache?

George Sr.: Y'all want a prayer, I'll give you a prayer. Circle up. Heavenly Father, bless this team and the hands that catch... the- the ball...
Coach Wilkins: Oh, boy.
George Sr.: ...the feet that run and... and kick...

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, you could go back to the university. They were willing to fund it.
Sheldon: No, they wanted to control the whole thing. I want somebody who will just give me the money, let me work on my own schedule and not expect me to listen to their dumb ideas.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't think rich people who give money like being told their ideas are dumb.
[flashback:]
Gary: This is fun. Not a lot of people I can talk to, scientist to scientist.
Sheldon: We're not talking scientist to scientist. You're not a scientist. You're just a rich man that no one will be honest to because everyone wants your money.
[present:]
Dr. John Sturgis: What happened?
Gary: He found my honesty delightful and gave the university a lot of money.
Dr. John Sturgis: Impressive.
Sheldon: I know. But what are the odds we'll find someone like him? [John waits for Sheldon to come to a realization] Oh.

Sheldon: My parents are being completely unreasonable. They won't even let me drop out of school. And even after I told them that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs both dropped out of college.
Dr. John Sturgis: What did they say?
Sheldon: They said, "We don't care what your friends do, you're not dropping out."
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, Sheldon, I know it's disappointing, but, uh, I think they just have your best interests at heart.
Sheldon: They said that, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: And for every Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, there's a Paul Labiscous.
Sheldon: Who's that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Exactly.

Meemaw: Okay. I'm just gonna set this right here between you. And remember, just one hand at a time.
Missy: Thank you, Meemaw.
Meemaw: I'll just be upstairs, unless I'm downstairs. [whispers] I could be anywhere.
Missy: Got it.

Sheldon: And even more good news. You no longer have to drive me to school, because I'm dropping out to work on it.
Mary: What? No, you're not.
Sheldon: But they won't fund the project unless I'm working on it full-time.
Mary: I don't care, you're finishing college.
Sheldon: But you let him drop out.
Mary: And look how his life turned out.
George Jr.: Hey.

Sheldon: So once this is up and running, anyone with a computer and a modem can have access to every grant offered worldwide.
Dr. John Sturgis: And you can charge for access on both sides. As the kids like to say, ka-ching.
Sheldon: That's the sound of a cash register, in case the onomatopoeia was unclear.
Mr. Lockhart: Sounds like this could be very lucrative.
Sheldon: [whispers] It was clear.

Sheldon: My name is Sheldon Cooper and this is my partner, Dr. John Sturgis.
Dr. John Sturgis: Greetings.
Sheldon: With us, you get both youth and experience.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, by the way, I remembered that third thing. I'll tell you later.

Ms. Hutchins: So when you baptize someone, are you only wearing swim trunks or...?
Pastor Rob: Oh, no, no, fully covered.
Ms. Hutchins: So is it, like, in a pool... or a hot tub or...
Pastor Rob: Um...
Coach Wilkins: I thought you were Mormon.
Ms. Hutchins: Mind your business.
Coach Wilkins: Okay.

Mr. Givens: As long as I've been teaching here, we have never beaten Pineview.
Pastor Rob: Oh, well, I can't take credit for that. Gotta give it to the big guy.
Mr. Givens: George?
Pastor Rob: Oh, I meant the big guy upstairs, but yeah, him, too.

Sheldon: [on the phone] [deeper voice] Hello, Mr. Jennings. Mr. Cooper here. Yes, I know we have an appointment for tomorrow, but I thought, why wait to do this face-to-face when we could do it over the phone? Ha, ha. Well, it's just that there's been so much interest in the grant database, I wanted to make sure that you got a chance to hear it first. Excellent. Well... [dialling tones] I'm on the phone.
Mary: [on the line] Oh. Sorry, baby.
Sheldon: Uh, so you can hang up now.
Mary: Your voice sounds funny, are you coming down with a cold?
Sheldon: No, I'm fine. This is my normal adult voice.
Mary: I guess I just miss that sweet little boy voice.
Sheldon: [squeaky voice] Mom! Wh... I-It doesn't matter how old I am, Mr. Jennings, because I'm really, really smart.
Mary: Oh, is this about his database thingy? He is so excited about that I could barely get him to bed last night.
Sheldon: Mom!

Mary: So you're mad he helped you win?
George Sr.: He didn't help! I coached that team up, I designed the game plan. But who do they hoist on their shoulders after the final whistle?
Mary: Well... [looks down at George's gut]
George Sr.: What?
Mary: Come on.

Meemaw: Okay, first rule, you can sit on the same couch, but separate cushions. And no crossing the line.
Missy: Deal.
Meemaw: I'm not done. I will leave you alone, but I will cross through occasionally, unannounced and I better not see any scooting, scurrying or resetting of pillows.
Missy: No problem.
Meemaw: The movie can be PG-13, but the date has to stay G.
Missy: I promise.
Meemaw: All right, then.
Missy: Thank you, you're the best meemaw ever.
Meemaw: Yeah, I know.

Principal Petersen: 'Cause I have a bet with the Jasper principal and I really don't want to wear a pink cowboy hat to the next pep rally.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I gotta be honest, it'd be going better if Pastor Rob would stay in his lane.
Principal Petersen: Well, I thought the kids liked having him around.
George Sr.: Yeah, 'cause he's filling their heads with junk like they should be treated nice and not get yelled at.
Principal Petersen: Oh. Well, he's one of those, huh?
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah. So I can get rid of him?
Principal Petersen: Hell no. We just beat Pineview by 28 points. You telling me God didn't have anything to do with that?
George Sr.: Well, I think I deserve a little credit.
Principal Petersen: Fine, good job. Mustache boy stays.

Missy: Hey, Dean, want to help me roll out the dough?
Dean: Yeah, one second, I'm just helping Grandma grease the pan.
Meemaw: Who?
Dean: Oh, uh, sorry. You just remind me of my grandma.
Meemaw: I tell you what, why don't you help Missy, and I'm gonna start the dishes.
Dean: Oh, uh, while the cookies are baking, maybe you could teach me how to play gin rummy.
Missy: All right, we're done here.
Dean: What?
Missy: You heard me.
Dean: Are you breaking up with me?
Missy: Yeah. You can go now.
Dean: But my mom's not picking me up till 7:00.
Meemaw: Oh, I'll get the cards. [Missy sighs]

Principal Petersen: George, you crazy son-of-a-bitch, I can't believe you pulled that off!
George Sr.: Me, neither.
Pastor Rob: Looks like we make a pretty good team, George.
[As Pastor Rob celebrates with the team, a glum George stands still. Two players walk up and dump a container of sports drink over George.]

George Sr.: [to Pastor Rob] I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but if I was a prayin' man, I'd start now.

George Sr.: You got something to say, let's hear it.
Pastor Rob: I just don't think they're gonna expect you to go for it. You fake a field goal, you might catch 'em off guard.
Coach Wilkins: Actually, Pastor Rob, at this level that kind of play never...
George Sr.: Hang on, Wayne. Rob got us a win last week all on his own. Who are we to say no?
Coach Wilkins: Are you sure?
George Sr.: Yeah, I'm sure. What's the worst that could happen?
Coach Wilkins: We could lose.
George Sr.: Yep. And who would we blame?

Gary: Oh, I gotta tell ya, making lab furniture has made me rich, but this, this is what I really love.
Dr. John Sturgis: Now, just to be clear, we're looking for a financier, not a partner.
Gary: Oh, yes, no, this is your baby. You guys are the parents, I'm just a wet nurse. Just a wealthy, wealthy wet nurse.
Dr. John Sturgis: What does that mean?
Sheldon: A wet nurse is a woman who suckles another...
Dr. John Sturgis: No, no, I know what it means, I just meant what does he mean?
Gary: Well, I mean I just want to be around the process. Anything you need, I'm your guy.
Sheldon: But I'm still in charge, right?
Gary: Did NASA fake the moon landing?
Sheldon: No.
Gary: See, that's what I thought until about a year ago. Oh, we're gonna have so much fun.

Gary: Thank you so much for bringing this opportunity to me. This is exciting.
Sheldon: So will you give us the funding?
Gary: Well, it's a lot of money, but my horoscope did say take a chance today.
Dr. John Sturgis: You're, uh, making a big financial decision based on astrology?
Gary: I know, I'm such a Gemini, right?
Sheldon: That's ridiculous. The alignment of the planets and stars has no correlation to your success or failure.
Gary: Ah, this is great. I mean, science thrives on this kind of debate.
Sheldon: This isn't a debate.
Gary: Rebuttal: Yes, it is. There we go again. [chuckles]

George Sr.: I know we've lost to Pineview a lot over the years, but that's in the past. You're a different team now. So just stick to the plan, and you're gonna come out on top. And Stevens, I don't care how uncomfortable you are, you're wearin' your cup tonight. [laughter] All right, you boys have worked hard for this. Now, let's get out there and get that W.

Missy: [answers phone] Hello?
Dean: Hey, Missy, it's Dean.
Missy: Oh, hi... Hey, I mean... Hi.
Dean: It was, uh, fun hanging out with you the other night. I thought maybe we could do it again.
Missy: Totally. We could go to the mall. Or we could go mini-golfing.
Dean: I was thinking maybe we could hang out with your grandma again.
Missy: And do what?
Dean: I don't know, uh, we could play a board game, or... Oh, my grandma loved to bake cookies with me.
Missy: I guess that could be fun.
Dean: Great. It's a date.
Missy: Right. You and me.
Dean: At your meemaw's. Can't wait. Bye.

Pastor Rob: Coach Wilkins invited me to pray with the kids before the game.
George Sr.: Oh. And... why?
Coach Wilkins: Can't hurt to have a little extra help from the big man upstairs.

George Sr.: He did "team on three." I do "team on three."
Coach Wilkins: I'll do it with ya.
George Sr.: Wh... It's not the same.

Sheldon: Dad, I have a question for you.
George Sr.: [sighs] Not a good time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Please, it's really important.
George Sr.: Whatever it is, fine.
Sheldon: Mom, Dad said I could drop out of college!
George Sr.: What?
Mary: [o.s.] George!

Principal Petersen: George, you don't mess with a winning streak.
George Sr.: So as long as we're winning I'm stuck with this guy?
Principal Petersen: That's right.
George Sr.: What if we lose?
Principal Petersen: Then you're gonna get murdered by a guy wearing a pink cowboy hat.

Dean: Is she just gonna sit upstairs by herself?
Missy: Oh, yeah, she loves it. Probably knitting.
Dean: My grandma knitted. Hey, think she'd want to watch with us?
Missy: Oh, no, she's fine.
Dean: I just know if I had the chance to watch one more movie with my grandma, I'd hate to pass it up.
Missy: [sighs] Meemaw!
[cut to Meemaw sitting on a chair with Missy and Dean on the couch:]
Meemaw: So what's goin' on here?
Missy: I really don't know.

Mary: Hey, how was the game?
George Sr.: Fine.
Mary: Well, Pineview's a tough team. Don't beat yourself up.
George Sr.: No, we won.
Mary: I want to be happy, but your face is confusing me.
George Sr.: We destroyed 'em. It was a blowout.
Mary: That doesn't clear things up.
George Sr.: Pastor Rob prayed with the team before the game and everyone thinks he's the reason we won.

Pastor Rob: It's just... I find that some kids respond better to encouragement.
George Sr.: This isn't Sunday school, this is football.
Pastor Rob: Oh, hey. I get it. I was an athlete in high school. Varsity tennis.
George Sr.: Okay.
Pastor Rob: Almost went to state.
George Sr.: I'm sure you did. And I'm sure tennis is considered a real sport... somewhere. But this is Texas, and this game on Friday is gonna be a street fight, and it is my job to make sure these boys are ready for it.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, we got the same goal here, George.
George Sr.: Really? You also want you to get out of my office?
Pastor Rob: All right, I'll go. [chuckles] I'm sorry if I overstepped. I just... hope you think about what I said, and, uh... ball's in your court. [mimes a tennis serve]
George Sr.: Yeah, I'm not doin' that back.

Mary: I'm sorry, Sheldon, but you're gonna have to tell them no.
George Jr.: I got a job and a cool garage to live in. [Mary sighs]
Sheldon: This doesn't have to be permanent. I can always go back.
Mary: People always say that, and then life gets in the way. I was gonna go to college after I had Georgie, and then I didn't.
George Jr.: And look how her life turned out.

Missy: [on the phone] Of course I like cars. Most girls don't? [Sheldon knocking at door] Well, I do. Which one's your favorite? Yeah, totally. Ford's the best.
Sheldon: [o.s.] [knocking] Missy, I need to use the phone.
Missy: Too bad.
Sheldon: This is important. Can't you lie to boys about liking cars some other time?
Missy: I gotta go. Bye. [hangs up]

Missy: This is stupid.
Sheldon: Do you want the money or not?
Missy: [on the phone] [posh accent] Hello? Yes, I have Sheldon Cooper calling for Mr. Jennings. Yes, we'll hold.

George Sr.: What's going on here?
Coach Wilkins: Just talking about Friday's game.
Mr. Givens: The paper called it the "Medford Miracle."
George Sr.: No miracle, just good coaching.
Pastor Rob: Let's not forget about those kids... I mean, they really played their hearts out.
George Sr.: One of the things I coached them to do.