Coach Wilkins: I never had any doubt, Coach. Never had any doubt.

Coach Wilkins: Happened to me while I was in the Army. I was in a bar in Georgia, tried to lift up this big gal. Swear I could hear something pop down there.

Coach Wilkins: Sheldon back in the nurse's office?
George: Yep.
Coach Wilkins: Let me guess. Yellow fever. Dengue fever. Cat scratch fever.
George: Cholera.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh! I was gonna say cholera.

Coach Wilkins: You sure you want to eat that?
George: [mouth full] Why not?
Coach Wilkins: I heard your triglycerides are through the roof.
George: Who told you that?
Coach Wilkins: My brother plays poker with your doctor.

George: I mean, I-I just can't win. When I step in, I'm doing it wrong, and when I don't step in, she yells at me.
Coach Wilkins: I hear you.
George: So Darlene does the same thing with you?
Coach Wilkins: No. But I'd hate it if she did. That sounds awful.
George: So, what do you two fight about?
Coach Wilkins: You know, normal stuff. Who loves the other one more. Whose turn it is for a foot rub. Oh, the other day, we did argue about which way the toilet paper should hang.
George: Who won?
Coach Wilkins: I don't remember. We just ended up making love on the bathroom floor.
George: Thank you, Wayne. This has been real helpful.
Coach Wilkins: When was the last time you took Mary out on a date?
George: I couldn't even tell you.
Coach Wilkins: Mm. That poor woman.
George: Hey. You're supposed to be on my side.
Coach Wilkins: I'd like to be. [chuckles] But you're not giving me much to work with.

George: [on the phone] Well, thank you. That's a very generous offer. Let me discuss it with my family, and I'll get back to you. Bye.
Coach Wilkins: What was that about?
George: Are you my family?
Coach Wilkins: I don't know. I like to think of myself as your work wife.

Coach Wilkins: How's she doing?
George: Well, not bad. Could be worse. A little whiplash, couple of bruised ribs, broken arm... and collarbone. But that's it.
Coach Wilkins: Pretty funny how you jumped out of the way and let her get clobbered.
George: I did not jump out of the way!
Coach Wilkins: Oh, yeah, you did. [chuckles] They got you on tape.

Coach Wilkins: All right, who's hotter... Cindy Crawford or Jessica Rabbit?
George: One's a person, one's a cartoon.
Coach Wilkins: And you couldn't get either one of 'em. Now answer the question.

Coach Wilkins: Hey, Mary.
Mary: Wayne, come on in.
Coach Wilkins: Thank you.
Mary: George just ran to pick up some beers.
Coach Wilkins: It's funny when he runs, ain't it?

Coach Wilkins: Oh, hey, Darlene wanted to know if you were gonna pack anything nice to wear.
Mary: For what?
Coach Wilkins: The coaches conference.
Mary: I wasn't going to that. Darlene's going?
Coach Wilkins: A free weekend in San Antonio? [chuckles] Hotel on the river? Of course she's going.
Mary: Oh.
Coach Wilkins: Did George not invite you?
Mary: No, he didn't.
Coach Wilkins: Honestly, what is wrong with that man?
George: Game time! [both look at George]
George: What?
Sheldon: Mom's just mad I'm playing Dungeons & Dragons.
George: Oh, good.

George: I don't know what's gotten into that kid.
Coach Wilkins: He's allowed to not want to play football.
George: Can you for once in your life take my side, Wayne?
Coach Wilkins: Not my fault you're never right.

Coach Wilkins: Amazing.
George: What is?
Coach Wilkins: I've been using this same pen for seven months, and it's still going.
George: That's your bar for amazing?
Coach Wilkins: Yeah.
George: Sad.
Coach Wilkins: It's the same pen. [phone rings]
George: It is too early in the morning for you.
George: [answers phone] Hello. Yeah. I'll be down in a bit.
Coach Wilkins: Where ya headed?
George: Principal's office.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh, you're in trouble...
George: You're a child.
Coach Wilkins: [laughs] I'd rather be a child than in trouble.

Coach Wilkins: Why would you say that?
George: That is a good question.
Coach Wilkins: I mean, what is wrong with you?
George: Why is it okay when you say it?
Coach Wilkins: 'Cause clearly there's something wrong with you.

George: So you think it's fine that she spent a hundred dollars on thread?
Coach Wilkins: I think it's fine that she has something that makes her happy. [George looks around] What are you looking for?
George: Anybody but you.
Coach Wilkins: Look, I get it. One time, Darlene got all into scrapbooking. Overnight, our den became her scrapbooking room.
George: What did you do?
Coach Wilkins: I said, "Whatever makes you happy, dear," and made love to her in the scrapbooking room.
George: Maybe if you had three kids, you'd worry more about money.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, we can't wait to have babies. I just love the way their little heads smell.
George: [loudly] Does anybody in here want to be my friend? Anybody?

Principal Petersen: I know I'm opening myself up for cheap shots, but I'm thinking about getting a rug.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, they're called hair systems now. My brother just got one. He went from bald to Rick James like that.
Principal Petersen: I'm just trying to get back out there with the ladies. Wouldn't hurt having something up here, you know, for them to hold on to.
Coach Wilkins: Good for you. Although the right gal wouldn't care.
Principal Petersen: Says the man who doesn't have to put sunblock on his head. [both laugh]