Principal Petersen: I know I'm opening myself up for cheap shots, but I'm thinking about getting a rug.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, they're called hair systems now. My brother just got one. He went from bald to Rick James like that.
Principal Petersen: I'm just trying to get back out there with the ladies. Wouldn't hurt having something up here, you know, for them to hold on to.
Coach Wilkins: Good for you. Although the right gal wouldn't care.
Principal Petersen: Says the man who doesn't have to put sunblock on his head. [both laugh]

Coach Wilkins: Oh, I know that face. Heartburn? Gas? What are we working with?
George Sr.: Not in the mood, Wayne.
Coach Wilkins: Are you in the mood for Tums? I could hook you up.

Coach Wilkins: You've been doing such a good job at home, I thought you should be recognized.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Oh. Thanks.
Coach Wilkins: Mm. How'd everything go last night?
George Sr.: Not bad. Not bad.
Coach Wilkins: Glad to hear it. You lying sack.
George Sr.: What?
Coach Wilkins: I know Billy asked Missy out and it all went south. Darlene told me everything.
George Sr.: Oh, man, how did she find out?
Coach Wilkins: You know how gossip flies in the teachers' lounge.
George Sr.: Fine. Everything you said is true. Shouldn't have gotten involved.
Coach Wilkins: Well, I'm-a let you keep the mug as a goal to work towards.
George Sr.: Mm, gee, thanks.
Coach Wilkins: How'd the thing with Sheldon go? [George exhales] All right, give me the mug back.
George Sr.: Gladly.

George Sr.: I'm not even gonna tell you how I helped Sheldon.
Coach Wilkins: It may be better you don't.
George Sr.: Fine. I used a sports metaphor about science, and it worked.
Coach Wilkins: I'm sure it did.
George Sr.: It did.
Coach Wilkins: I'm sure.
George Sr.: You should be.
Coach Wilkins: I am.
George Sr.: Good.
Coach Wilkins: It is good.
George Sr.: Are you just gonna keep having the last word?
Coach Wilkins: No.
George Sr.: Thank you. [sighs] [Coach Wilkins is silent] Just say it.
Coach Wilkins: You're welcome.

Coach Wilkins: Hey, uh, how's bachelor life treating you?
George Sr.: Good. Mary makes this parenting thing seem hard. I'm great at it.
Coach Wilkins: So, you finally gave it a shot. Good for you.
George Sr.: Make your jokes, but I'm even helping out kids that aren't mine.
Coach Wilkins: Really?
George Sr.: Billy Sparks got a little crush on Missy.
Coach Wilkins: Uh-oh. Danger zone.
George Sr.: What? [chuckles] Why?
Coach Wilkins: Getting in the middle of your teenage daughter's love life? What could possibly go wrong?
George Sr.: I can't win with you.

Coach Wilkins: Fine. But it doesn't matter where you go. She's just gonna be happy you're trying.
George Sr.: I hope so.
Coach Wilkins: It's nice to see I'm finally rubbing off on you.
George Sr.: I am capable of being a decent husband.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, of course you are.
George Sr.: Don't patronize me.
Coach Wilkins: I could stop, but then what will we have left?

George Sr.: Do you have any women friends?
Coach Wilkins: Uh-oh. Mary finally wise up and kick you to the curb?
George Sr.: I'm being serious.
Coach Wilkins: I have plenty of women friends. Matter of fact, my best friend's a woman.
George Sr.: Are you gonna say your wife?
Coach Wilkins: You know I am. She got in the shower with me this morning.
George Sr.: I don't need to hear that.
Coach Wilkins: How could something be so clean and so dirty at the same time?
George Sr.: I'm sorry I asked.
Coach Wilkins: Are you upset 'cause I said she was my best friend and not you?
George Sr.: No.
Coach Wilkins: You're in the top three.
George Sr.: Stop talking to me.
Coach Wilkins: Definitely my best white friend.

George Sr.: So you think it's fine that she spent a hundred dollars on thread?
Coach Wilkins: I think it's fine that she has something that makes her happy. [George looks around] What are you looking for?
George Sr.: Anybody but you.
Coach Wilkins: Look, I get it. One time, Darlene got all into scrapbooking. Overnight, our den became her scrapbooking room.
George Sr.: What did you do?
Coach Wilkins: I said, "Whatever makes you happy, dear," and made love to her in the scrapbooking room.
George Sr.: Maybe if you had three kids, you'd worry more about money.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, we can't wait to have babies. I just love the way their little heads smell.
George Sr.: [loudly] Does anybody in here want to be my friend? Anybody?

Coach Wilkins: Why would you say that?
George Sr.: That is a good question.
Coach Wilkins: I mean, what is wrong with you?
George Sr.: Why is it okay when you say it?
Coach Wilkins: 'Cause clearly there's something wrong with you.

George Sr.: I don't know what's gotten into that kid.
Coach Wilkins: He's allowed to not want to play football.
George Sr.: Can you for once in your life take my side, Wayne?
Coach Wilkins: Not my fault you're never right.

Coach Wilkins: Amazing.
George Sr.: What is?
Coach Wilkins: I've been using this same pen for seven months, and it's still going.
George Sr.: That's your bar for amazing?
Coach Wilkins: Yeah.
George Sr.: Sad.
Coach Wilkins: It's the same pen. [phone rings]
George Sr.: It is too early in the morning for you.
George Sr.: [answers phone] Hello. Yeah. I'll be down in a bit.
Coach Wilkins: Where ya headed?
George Sr.: Principal's office.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh, you're in trouble...
George Sr.: You're a child.
Coach Wilkins: [laughs] I'd rather be a child than in trouble.

George Sr.: Well, in my family, we don't quit.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, I don't know. You quit my book club pretty quick.
George Sr.: I'm talking about football!
Coach Wilkins: Why is it so important to you that he play?
George Sr.: Are you sure you're a coach? Team sports provides confidence, leadership, discipline.
Coach Wilkins: So does holding down a job, which he seems to shine at.
George Sr.: Let's just eat in silence.
Coach Wilkins: Fine. I still think you should have read The Color Purple. We were bawling.

Coach Wilkins: Oh, hey, Darlene wanted to know if you were gonna pack anything nice to wear.
Mary: For what?
Coach Wilkins: The coaches conference.
Mary: I wasn't going to that. Darlene's going?
Coach Wilkins: A free weekend in San Antonio? [chuckles] Hotel on the river? Of course she's going.
Mary: Oh.
Coach Wilkins: Did George not invite you?
Mary: No, he didn't.
Coach Wilkins: Honestly, what is wrong with that man?
George Sr.: Game time! [both look at George]
George Sr.: What?
Sheldon: Mom's just mad I'm playing Dungeons & Dragons.
George Sr.: Oh, good.

Coach Wilkins: Hey, Mary.
Mary: Wayne, come on in.
Coach Wilkins: Thank you.
Mary: George just ran to pick up some beers.
Coach Wilkins: It's funny when he runs, ain't it?

Coach Wilkins: All right, who's hotter... Cindy Crawford or Jessica Rabbit?
George Sr.: One's a person, one's a cartoon.
Coach Wilkins: And you couldn't get either one of 'em. Now answer the question.

George Sr.: Okay, fine. But that was pure instinct. Besides, she shouldn't have been standing on the sidelines.
Coach Wilkins: Why was she there?
George Sr.: I told her she could.
Coach Wilkins: [laughing] Oh, man, you must feel terrible.
George Sr.: Yeah, of course I do.
Coach Wilkins: I mean, it's all on you.
George Sr.: You done?
Coach Wilkins: Oh-ho-ho, baby, I'm just getting started.

Coach Wilkins: How's she doing?
George Sr.: Well, not bad. Could be worse. A little whiplash, couple of bruised ribs, broken arm... and collarbone. But that's it.
Coach Wilkins: Pretty funny how you jumped out of the way and let her get clobbered.
George Sr.: I did not jump out of the way!
Coach Wilkins: Oh, yeah, you did. [chuckles] They got you on tape.

Coach Wilkins: You ever tell him you're proud?
George Sr.: He knows.
Coach Wilkins: I think it's important for children to hear it.
George Sr.: You don't even have kids.
Coach Wilkins: I teach and coach teenage boys. I also put up with your childish nonsense.
George Sr.: Georgie's just being so damn disrespectful, I don't want to reward that.
Coach Wilkins: All right.
George Sr.: My father never said he was proud of me. I turned out just fine.
Coach Wilkins: George, I'm just trying to have a nice day, make some white folks uncomfortable. Can you please?

George Sr.: [on the phone] Well, thank you. That's a very generous offer. Let me discuss it with my family, and I'll get back to you. Bye.
Coach Wilkins: What was that about?
George Sr.: Are you my family?
Coach Wilkins: I don't know. I like to think of myself as your work wife.

George Sr.: I mean, I-I just can't win. When I step in, I'm doing it wrong, and when I don't step in, she yells at me.
Coach Wilkins: I hear you.
George Sr.: So Darlene does the same thing with you?
Coach Wilkins: No. But I'd hate it if she did. That sounds awful.
George Sr.: So, what do you two fight about?
Coach Wilkins: You know, normal stuff. Who loves the other one more. Whose turn it is for a foot rub. Oh, the other day, we did argue about which way the toilet paper should hang.
George Sr.: Who won?
Coach Wilkins: I don't remember. We just ended up making love on the bathroom floor.
George Sr.: Thank you, Wayne. This has been real helpful.
Coach Wilkins: When was the last time you took Mary out on a date?
George Sr.: I couldn't even tell you.
Coach Wilkins: Mm. That poor woman.
George Sr.: Hey. You're supposed to be on my side.
Coach Wilkins: I'd like to be. [chuckles] But you're not giving me much to work with.