Meemaw: Are you sure?
Mary: Yes. I'm late.
Meemaw: How late?
Mary: Two days.
Meemaw: Oh, two days. That's nothing.
Mary: Last time I was two days late, I had the twins.
Meemaw: Last time I was two days late, I had menopause. [chuckles] Just trying to lighten the mood.

George: What do y'all want for lunch?
Sheldon: Peanut butter and jelly, please.
George: Great. Missy?
Missy: Tuna salad on rye toast, with sliced pickles and-
George: Two PBJs, got it.

Ms. Fenley: But I have to warn you, it can be a frustrating instrument to learn.
Sheldon: Can you play it?
Ms. Fenley: Yes.
Sheldon: I'll be fine.

Mary: I don't see them.
Meemaw: Excuse me. Where do you keep your pregnancy tests?
Mary: Mom.
Mary Sue: Behind the counter at the pharmacy.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Mary: Would you please be a little more discreet?
Meemaw: She doesn't know it's for you.
Mary: Well, it sure isn't for you.

Mary: If I'm pregnant, George is gonna flip out.
Meemaw: I'm sure he would at first. Then he would calm down. Take a few beers. Maybe some malt liquor.
Mary: I suppose. [sighs] The truth is, he and I were both freaked out about having twins. But now I can't imagine life without them.
Meemaw: Well, see, there you are. So, no matter what that test says, you're gonna be okay.
Mary: You're right.
Meemaw: What's it say?
Mary: [sighs] I'm gonna go buy that malt liquor.

Peg: - What's that about?
Mary: Oh, just trying not to breathe the smoke in.
Peg: [chuckles] Come on. It already went through the filter and my lungs. This stuff is squeaky clean. [coughs]
Mary: Well, still.
Peg: He's all yours, your highness.

Mary: Actually, um, I could use some guidance. I got some news today, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
Pastor Jeff: Of course. Sit.
Mary: Well, I am, um, with child.
Pastor Jeff: That's wonderful! Congratulations! How far along are you?
Mary: Uh, could you keep it down just a little? I haven't exactly told George yet.
Pastor Jeff: Got it. And why not? It is his, right?
Mary: Of course.
Pastor Jeff: Apologies. Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town. You wouldn't believe the juicy things I hear.

Mary: This just wasn't part of our plan.
Pastor Jeff: Well, luckily it's part of God's plan. And let me tell you about another Mary who didn't know how to tell her husband she was expecting. And her story is way weirder than yours.

Sheldon: Hey, Dad. Can you believe I only started playing today?
George: I really can.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George.
George: Hey, Herschel. Let me guess, you're here to complain about Sheldon's violin playing.
Herschel Sparks: Under normal circumstances, I'd say yeah, but since he started, my chickens been dropping eggs like crazy.
George: That's weird.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, I got to ask, did that fiddle playing increase the fertility in all the females around here or just my chickens?

Sheldon: [knocking] Dad? [knocking] SHELDON: Mom?
Mary: Yeah, Shelly?
Sheldon: I just thought you should know I'm not going to be Jewish. I'm going to remain the atheist Baptist you've come to love.
Mary: Good to hear.
Sheldon: Are you crying?
Mary: [sighs] Yeah, but don't worry, everything's okay.
Sheldon: Good.

Adult Sheldon: Once again, I brought my mother so much joy she was moved to tears. I don't know how I do it.

Adult Sheldon: It's typical for young people to admire rock stars. For my sister, it was Cyndi Lauper. For my brother, it was Bon Jovi.
Georgie: Well, Jon, we look good.

Meemaw: I think you might be getting way ahead of yourself.
Mary: I'm telling you, I just know.
Meemaw: You were also convinced that Georgie was gonna be a girl.
Mary: That's true. Although he does have very pretty hair.