Brenda Sparks: Oh, hey, um... I was just kidding around.
Mary: I know.
Brenda Sparks: Why don't you come over here?
Mary: Really?
Brenda Sparks: And bring the pack. We'll go in the chicken coop, where God can't see us.

George: So, we agree that the only way this is gonna happen right now is if you stay local.
Sheldon: I can always go away for grad school someday. And truth be told, I don't have the emotional maturity to squish my own bugs.

[on the video tape:]
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Sheldon Cooper, and this is Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College. I realize attending college in another state or country is unrealistic at this time. Which is why I'm proposing that I live at home but enroll full-time to continue my studies with Dr. Sturgis at East Texas Tech. I firmly believe that I'm ready for this next step in my academic life. But don't just take it from me...

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper, ready for college, ready to change the world.
George: Cut.
Sheldon: If that doesn't convince her, I don't know what her problem is.

Mary: Hey. What are you doing with him? I thought you were in your room.
Sheldon: Oh, don't worry. I was.
George: I need to talk to your mother. Go back to your room.
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: And this time, stay there.
Sheldon: Aw.

Sheldon: Now you don't want me to go to college either?
George: I didn't say that. I'm just saying, given how young you are, we need to be realistic.
Sheldon: I'll have you know I recently took care of my own boo-boo.
George: And as grown-up as that makes you sound, I don't think it's gonna convince your mother.
Sheldon: What will convince her?
George: I don't know, but I'm sure between the two of us, we can come up with a plan.
Sheldon: Well, you managed to get her to marry you, so you do have a track record.

[As Sheldon finally retrieves the errant piece of hot dog meat from under the refrigerator:]
Sheldon: Whew. That was driving me crazy. Thank you for getting me into college.

Mary: Shelly and this college stuff is killing me. I... I never went to college. How can I prepare him?
Brenda Sparks: Mary, if that kid is smart enough to have colleges wanting him already, he's got to be smart enough to figure it out.
Mary: Maybe. It still hurts to hear him say he wants to leave.
Brenda Sparks: I bet. On the other hand, I'm worried my Billy will never be ready to leave.
Mary: Oh, of course he will.
Brenda Sparks: Damn. Smoking, drinking, lying. You're covering all the sins today.

Adult Sheldon: In every young man's life, there are milestones along the road to independence. Squashing one's very first bug.
Sheldon: Aah!
Adult Sheldon: Tending to one's own boo-boo.
Sheldon: Not today, germs. Not today.
Adult Sheldon: And preparing a favorite meal without one's mommy.

Sheldon: I also found this letter from Caltech. I wonder why she was hiding it.
Missy: So read it.
Sheldon: I'm not allowed to. It's not addressed to me.
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: The U.S. Postal Service is a government agency. Mail is protected by federal law.
Missy: I'll read it.
Sheldon: Don't. If you do, I'll be an accessory to the crime.

Adult Sheldon: I was angry at my mother and needed more information. While she told me to go to my room, she didn't say stay there. Boy howdy, I do love a loophole.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary. I know this must be a hard decision for you. I can't tell you how to parent your child. I don't have children. But... I can tell you... that in all my years in academia, I've never seen a mind like Sheldon's. He's truly extraordinary. And if you let him come here, I promise we'll take good care of him.

George: Anyway, that leaves us with the big question: how do we get your mom on board with you going where Sturgis teaches?
Sheldon: Well, how did you get her to agree to marry you?
George: Oh, that won't work. She doesn't drink anymore.

Mary: I brought you a snack.
Missy: Thanks.
Mary: So, I don't know if you heard me and your father having a disagreement last night...
Missy: A "disagreement"?
Mary: Fine. A spat. Okay, a fight. I just want you to know that you do not need to worry.
Missy: It's kind of hard not to.
Mary: Uh, sometimes moms and dads have fights, but it doesn't mean that they don't work things out.
Missy: Did you work it out?
Sheldon: [o.s.] We're home.
Mary: Eat your cookies.

Georgie: Oh, dang! Nice!
Meemaw: It ain't my first egging. Whoo! Good one!
Georgie: Ain't mine, neither.
Meemaw: [laughs] Here's for firing my grandson... jackass!