Sheldon: [knocks on door] Open up. It's the R.A.
Bobby: Yeah?
Sheldon: It's quiet hours. You have to turn the music off.
Bobby: Says who?
Sheldon: Me, the R.A. You probably didn't hear me over the music. [Bobby goes to close the door] Maybe this will convince you. Her cursive is maybe questionable, but trust me, my authority is not.
[Bobby rips up Sheldon's hand-written note from President Hagemeyer, throws the pieces in his face and closes his door]
Sheldon: [o.s.] Jokes on you. I have Scotch tape.

Dennis: Here you go, as advertised.
Meemaw: All right. Those look good.
Dale: Wait. Hold on. How do we know they work?
Dennis: What kind of operation you think I'm running here?
Dale: Well, I don't know. The word "sketchy" comes to mind.
Meemaw: Be cool.

Meemaw: Uh, you mind if we plug a couple in?
Dennis: Mind if you show me the money?
Meemaw: Sure. Turn around.
Dennis: Why?
Meemaw: You want the money or not?
[Dennis turns around]
Meemaw: [whispering] Okay, go ahead.
[Dale drops his trousers, revealing bundles of cash srapped to his legs]
Meemaw: Yeah. Okay. 20 grand. [chuckling softly] Light 'em up.
[The machines light up, with tunes playing, and whooshing and pinging sound effects]
Meemaw: That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Dale: Really? Well, I just took my pants off.

Sheldon: [over bullhorn] Attention, residents of Bower Hall. My name is Sheldon Cooper, and I'm your new R.A. The age of chaos is over. I repeat, the age of chaos is over. Please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the dormitory rules posted on the bulletin board. Ignorance of these rules is no excuse, and violators will be...
[A tired looking student wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts walks out of his dorm room and grabs Sheldon's bull-horn, taking it back into his room]
Sheldon: [shouts through his hands] New rule. Unauthorized use of my bullhorn is forbidden. I repeat. Unauthorized...
Student: [over bullhorn] Shut up.

George Jr.: Check it out. I got this video about childbirth. I thought we could watch it tonight.
Mandy: That sounds awful.
George Jr.: Well, it does say "contains graphic images" right there on the box.
Mandy: Maybe some other time, Georgie.
George Jr.: No worries. I also picked up Look Who's Talking, which is just about a baby who says stuff.
Mandy: If you're trying to make this, like, a date night or something, it's not happening.
George Jr.: Oh, who said anything about a date? It's just us having dinner and watching a movie.
Mandy: Last time we did that I wound up pregnant.
George Jr.: Mm, that was a good date.
Mandy: Well, that's not happening tonight.
George Jr.: I get it. Nothing romantic. Just two future parents watching the miracle of childbirth or a movie that got two thumbs up from Siskel and Ebert.

Sheldon: And not only that. Then someone defaced my rule sheet with a drawing of testicles.
President Hagemeyer: [muffled laugh] Well, that is so immature.
Sheldon: I agree. Simply naming me dorm R.A. isn't enough to command respect. I need a physical symbol of my authority, like the way a king had a scepter.
President Hagemeyer: So, you want a scepter?
Sheldon: No, that could be used against me. Ooh, how about a badge? I'd be like a Texas Ranger who patrols the halls of a dormitory.

President Hagemeyer: Well, these all just such terrific ideas but, um, how about an official letter from my desk with a handwritten note attesting to your position?
Sheldon: All right.
President Hagemeyer: "To the students of Bower Hall."
Sheldon: That's your handwriting?
President Hagemeyer: "This document bestows on Sheldon Cooper all the powers and privileges of resident advisor."
Sheldon: "Bestows." I like it. Sloppy, but I like it.

Dale: For a while there, I felt like Bonnie and Clyde, without all the murder and mayhem.
Meemaw: Well, the night's still young.
Dale: So at the risk of sounding more like Bonnie than Clyde, uh, where do we stand in our relationship?
Meemaw: You're the one who broke up with me.
Dale: Oh, maybe I've rethought the situation.
Meemaw: So you were wrong.
Dale: I don't believe there's any right or wrong here.
Meemaw: Say it. Say you were wrong.
Dale: I do regret it.
Meemaw: Because... you were... wrong.
Dale: Yes. So what do you say... you want to give it another chance?
Meemaw: Hang on.
Dale: Just give me a straight answer. I'm a big boy. I can take it.

Meemaw: I think we're being followed.
Dale: What? No. The pickup truck?
Meemaw: The orange Pinto. I saw it when we gassed up. It's been two cars back ever since. I'm gonna speed up and see what happens. [engine revving]
Dale: We're being followed. Are you still excited?
Meemaw: No, I'm upset.
Dale: Good. Then we're on the same page.

[As Missy walks into the kitchen, George and Mary are kissing]
Missy: Ugh. Still?
Mary: Morning, honey.
Missy: What is happening with you two?
George Sr.: What do you mean?
Missy: Is one of you dying?
George Sr.: No one's dying. Sometimes, married people kiss.
Missy: On TV maybe, not here.
Mary: Well, young lady, how do you think you came into this world?
Missy: Okay, you're freaking me out.

Dale: I don't see him anywhere. Do you?
Meemaw: Nope.
Dale: Oh, man. Well, now that that's over, I'm starting to feel the excitement again.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Crazy, right? I think that's the way danger works.
Dale: Oh, it's like a rollercoaster. [Meemaw laughs]
Dennis: Well, ain't this a coincidence.
Dale: Oh, come on.

Missy: Ooh, Look Who's Talking. Classic.
Mandy: Hey, did you know the baby is the guy from Die Hard?
Missy: No.
Mandy: Yeah.
Missy: He can do everything.

George Jr.: I'm being nothing but nice here. I don't know why you got to give me a hard time.
Mandy: Why? I'll tell you why. You ruined my life. Is that enough "why" for you?
George Jr.: Hey, you weren't so innocent. If I recall, you provided alcohol to a minor... me. That's illegal.
Mandy: You lied about your age.
George Jr.: You lied first.
Mandy: Okay, you know what? Let's not do this in front of your sister.
Missy: It actually feels normal. Keep going.
George Jr.: And let's not forget, I only lied 'cause you're hot.
Mandy: Oh, my God. We don't need to watch a movie about a talking baby. You're right here.

Mary: I have a wild and crazy idea.
George Sr.: Ooh, I like where this is headed.
Mary: Let's make a baby.
George Sr.: You're kidding, right?
Mary: I don't know. It might be fun to start over.
George Sr.: Fun? What house you been living in?
Mary: I'm serious. We've been getting along so great, and I have all this extra time on my hands. Uh, let's take advantage.
George Sr.: Your son's about to have a baby. You can take care of that one.
Mary: No, my mother called dibs.
George Sr.: Your mother's a million years old. You think she's gonna be changing diapers in the middle of the night? [Mary scoffs] I'll tell you what your problem is. You got kicked out of your church, your-your kids are grown up, you're feeling sorry for yourself, and, yeah, you think a baby'll solve the problem. [Mary is silent] Well? Say something.
Mary: You make me so mad. [walks off]
George Sr.: Where you going? We can still do it mad.

Dale: Uh, I guess I'll have the waffles, and the lady will have, um... [clears throat] ...also waffles.

Dennis: What kind of business you in?
[Dale sees Meemaw slash the tires on Dennis's car in the parking lot]
Dale: Groomer.
Dennis: Hmm.
Dale: Dog groomer, yeah. Cats if you make me, but I pretty much love the doggies.
Dennis: You ever do birds?
Dale: No.
Dennis: Mm-hmm.
Dale: Birds got feathers, and they're... they're self-grooming, pretty much.
Dennis: Yeah, I always thought cats were self-grooming.
Dale: Well, people think that, but, no. No, you got to... You got to dip a cat once in a while. Well, okay then. [stands up]
Dennis: Where are you going?
Dale: Dennis, I am really sorry about this. [punches Dennis in the face and knocks him out]

Sheldon: May I help you?
Bobby: There's no hot water.
Sheldon: There is for rule followers.
Tommy: You can't just turn off the hot water.
Bobby: Yeah.
All: Yeah.
Sheldon: If you want the benefits of civilization, you have to behave in a civilized manner. The decision is yours.
[cut to Sheldon taped up against the wall as rock music plays:]
Sheldon: I don't need a pen and paper to take names. [a student skateboards by] You. What's your name? You know I'll find out and there will be consequences. Hey, what are you... [a student covers Sheldon's mouth in tape] [muffled grunting]

Sheldon: Hello. I need to tattle.
Tommy: [opens door] What?
Sheldon: Is your room on fire?
Tommy: No.
Sheldon: But I see smoke.
Tommy: Okay.
Sheldon: You need to know there's people skateboarding and playing loud music in the hallways.
Tommy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: You're the resident advisor. It's your job to enforce the rules.
Tommy: I'll get right on it.
Sheldon: Thank you. [walks away] The system works.

Meemaw: Do you see any unoccupied machines here?
Dale: No.
Meemaw: Exactly. We are at capacity. It's time to expand.
Dale: Where?
Meemaw: The video store right behind that wall just lost its lease.
Dale: Aw, heck. I was gonna pick up the new John Candy.
Meemaw: Well, as my partner in this enterprise, you can get that new John Candy for free.
Dale: So you're gonna buy a video store?
Meemaw: Video store in the front, video poker in the back.

Dale: Where are you getting the poker machine?
Meemaw: Biloxi, Mississippi.
Dale: Oh. You didn't learn a lesson when you got arrested at the border?
Meemaw: Yes. I learned not to smuggle contraband with my idiot grandson. But there's nothing illegal about buying poker machines.
Dale: Till you plug 'em in.
Meemaw: Well, sure.

Meemaw: Come on. What do you say? You and me, a panel truck, Biloxi or bust?
Dale: So I'm gonna be your partner in an illegal gambling room?
Meemaw: Hidden by a legal video store.
Dale: Connie. Gee...
Meemaw: Come on. You said you want to drive around in an RV, see the country. This is that, but exciting.
Dale: We could go to jail.
Meemaw: That's the exciting part.

Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, Mom. It's your son, Sheldon.
Mary: Hello, my son, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I have an 8:00 a.m. class tomorrow, and I was wondering if I could spend the night in my dorm.
Mary: That's fine.
Sheldon: Now before you answer, hear me out. I have a list of reasons why this is a good idea. Number one...
Mary: Sheldon, I know that you're safe there. It's fine.
Sheldon: That's reason number four. Please don't skip ahead.
Mary: Honey, I trust you. Just go to bed at a reasonable hour and call if you need anything. Otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow.
Sheldon: Okay. Number one: I'm not...
Mary: Goodbye, Sheldon. [hangs up]
Sheldon: Who hangs up on a list?

George Sr.: What's his problem now?
Mary: Nothing. He wants to spend the night at the dorm so he can get to an early class.
George Sr.: Really? And you said okay?
Mary: He is old enough to have an overnighter, and... it might be nice for us to have a little alone time.
George Sr.: Ooh. What about Missy?
Mary: She's having dinner with a friend.
George Sr.: So, the house to ourselves. I like it. [phone ringing]
Mary: Hold on. [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Number two... I have my own bathroom.

George Jr.: I'm just worried about you being all by yourself in that big house.
Mandy: I'll be fine.
George Jr.: What if there's a tornado? Did Meemaw ever show you where her hidey hole is?
Mandy: Georgie, I'm really busy right now.
George Jr.: Sorry. I'll swing by Meemaw's later, maybe bring some takeout.
Mandy: Don't bother. They send me home with plenty of food.
George Jr.: Great. Score me a patty melt, would you?
Mandy: I won't.
George Jr.: I'm gonna go now. [kisses his hand and places it on Mandy's belly]
Mandy: What are you doing?
George Jr.: Kissing our baby. You want one, too?
Mandy: No.
George Jr.: Bye-bye.

Missy: I'm home. Anybody here?
Mary: [o.s.] Missy?
Missy: Yeah.
Mary: [o.s.] You're home early.
Missy: It's 7:00.
Mary: [o.s.] Is it?
Missy: Are you sleeping?
Mary: [o.s.] Yeah.
Missy: Where's Dad?
George Sr.: [o.s.] ... I'm here.
Missy: Ugh.
George Sr.: [o.s.] We were both just real tired.
Missy: Please stop talking.

Sheldon: Aah. No skateboarding in the hallway. Aah! This childishness cannot be allowed to continue.

Meemaw: You know that money I owe you?
Dale: Oh, you got it?
Meemaw: Yes and no.
Dale: Uh, well, which is it?
Meemaw: Yes, I got it, no, I'm not giving it to you. I want to give you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Dale: Well, I'd prefer my money.

Dale: So, how'd you hear about these poker machines?
Meemaw: I know a guy.
Dale: What kind of guy?
Meemaw: A guy who knows a guy.
Dale: Well, what do you know about that guy?
Meemaw: He owned a riverboat casino.
Dale: He owned?
Meemaw: He might be dead.
Dale: Dead?
Meemaw: He might not be. They never found the body.

Meemaw: Oh, now, come on. You've been in the sporting goods business long enough. Haven't you ever sold a bunch of shoulder pads that fell off the back of a truck?
Dale: Absolutely not. I buy 'em from a reputable company named Tuffy.
Meemaw: Boring.

[Sheldon is asleep as he sits on a bench outside President Hagemeyer's office. As she turns the corner of the corridor and sees him, she quickly comes to a halt and tries to back away.]
Sheldon: I smell your shampoo.
President Hagemeyer: Aw, damn it.

President Hagemeyer: How long have you been sitting out there?
Sheldon: All night.
President Hagemeyer: And why?
Sheldon: [sighs heavily] Are you familiar with Arkham Asylum from the Batman comics?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Well, it's a madhouse, as is my dormitory after the sun goes down.

President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I am the president of this university. I don't handle noise complaints. That's why there's a resident advisor.
Sheldon: Oh, I went to him.
President Hagemeyer: And?
Sheldon: You saw me sleeping on the bench like a hobo. What do you think?
President Hagemeyer: Can't you just... I don't know... chalk this up as part of the college experience?
Sheldon: Yeah, the clown college experience. I'm sorry. I'm cranky.

Sheldon: I've compiled a list of reasons why I should be appointed the dormitory R.A. Number one...
President Hagemeyer: Fine. You're the R.A.
Sheldon: Okay. "Number one: I love rules... creating them, following them, and most fun of all, enforcing them."
President Hagemeyer: You're the R.A., Sheldon.
Sheldon: Excellent. "Number two... punishment for rule infractions must be both fair and merciless."

George Sr.: Ooh. Eggs and pancakes.
Mary: That's what a lumberjack gets for chopping all that wood.
George Sr.: [laughs] I'll be Paul Bunyan, you can be my babe, the blue fox.
Mary: [laughs] [laughing] George.