Reverend Travis Lemon: [on TV] The same is true for you. Jesus fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread, but somebody had to give him those loaves. And that's what I need from you. Every dollar you donate to the Travis Lemon ministry will be returned to you tenfold!
Mary: Tenfold, my sweet patootie
Reverend Travis Lemon: As ye sow, so shall ye reap. Daphne, get the address on the screen? So you get the checkbook out, and you show how much you love the Lord, and the Lord will love you back.
And when your neighbor asks you, "Where'd you get that new Cadillac?" you tell 'em, "On the corner of Heaven and Saved."
Mary: Oh, what the heck.
Reverend Travis Lemon: All right, Steve-arooni, let's hit it! [upbeat rock music plays]

Sheldon: What's that A-sub-one-variable? It's undefined.
Joaquin: It's defined in the previous subroutine.
Sheldon: Oh, my. That is elegant.
Evan: We don't use the word "elegant."
Sheldon: Why? What's wrong with it?
Joaquin: Well, last semester, I invited a girl to my room to look at my elegant coding, and... she called the police, so...
Sheldon: Understood.

Sheldon: So what happens next?
Evan: Uh, we just buy the stocks the algorithm suggests.
Sheldon: With what?
Evan: Our student loan money.
Joaquin: How much are you in for?
Sheldon: Oh, my mother's always warned me against the evils of gambling.
Joaquin: Well, it's not gambling, it- it's math. Is your mother against math?
Sheldon: Well, when you use it to prove the Earth wasn't made in seven days, she gets a little touchy.

George: I'm cancelling this check.
Mary: Don't you dare.
George: Mary, this is groceries for a week.
Mary: We will get it back. We just need to have faith.
George: [sighs] Will you talk some sense into your daughter?
Meemaw: If I could talk sense into her, she would never have married you.
George: She had to marry me because I got her pregnant. Ha!
Meemaw: Huh. He ain't wrong about the money.
George: [walking off] Thank you!

George: So, uh... what do you think?
Pastor Jeff: Mary said she wants to come back?
George: Not in so many words. But I know if you asked her, it would just mean the world to me, to her, to us... [chuckles] To God.
Pastor Jeff: I'll pray on it.
George: Great. [sighs]
Pastor Jeff: I'll pray on it later.
George: Right. [gets up] Sure.

Sheldon: Did either of you authorize the algorithm to make foreign trades?
Both: No.
Sheldon: Well, that's what it's doing. We own 7,000 shares of Chow Fat Enterprises on the Hong Kong exchange.
Evan: Fascinating.
Sheldon: That's what I said.

Billy Sparks: How do we do this?
Missy: We just got to wait for someone who's old enough to buy beer but young enough to be cool.
Billy Sparks: Got it.
Missy: Try him.
Billy Sparks: Excuse me, sir...
Ed: Buy your own beer.
Billy Sparks: Thank you. [to Missy] I think he was onto us.

Missy: Would you buy me beer? I forgot my ID at home.
Mac: How old are you?
Missy: Um... thirty. [Mac scoffs] Twenty-five?

Billy Sparks: [answers phone] Sparks' residence.
Brenda Sparks: Hey, sweetie.
Billy Sparks: Oh. Hey, Mom.
Brenda Sparks: You okay there all by yourself?
Billy Sparks: I'm not by myself, Missy's here. [Missy signals to Billy] W-wait, she's not here.
Brenda Sparks: Put her on.
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Mary: [v.o.] Lord, I know everyone thinks I'm being foolish giving money to Reverend Travis, but why wouldn't you want us to be prosperous? You love us, it makes sense. And I got that IRS check, which feels like a sign. And I think I know a sign when I see one. [crow caws] [bird poop falls on Mary's forehead] Ugh. Oh! Oh! [runs into the house] Ew!
George: What's going on?
Mary: A bird did its business in my eye.
George: Better than your mouth, right?
Mary: You think you're funny?!
George: Yeah.

Joaquin: Make it stop.
Sheldon: I'm trying, it doesn't want to. I think it finds the question too interesting.
Evan: Ooh, but it's messing with the computer. We're losing everything.
Sheldon: I don't know what else to do.
[Outside, a computer monitor and tower unit comes crashing out of a second-story window. Sheldon, Evan and Joaquin stick their heads out of the window to observe the smashed-up computer on the ground.]
Sheldon: You could have just unplugged it.
Evan: Or at least opened the window.
Joaquin: I showered for nothing.

Pastor Jeff: And as we're passing the collection plate, let's give a warm welcome to the Coopers who are back in the fold. Our donation room is looking a little empty after the tornado. So please bring in your canned goods, your used clothing...
[The collection plate is passed down from George to Mary to Meemaw and finally to Missy, who throws up on the collection plate]
Meemaw: Is that beer?
Mary: Oh, my...
Missy: [retches]
Pastor Jeff: Anyway, welcome back Coopers. Please turn to page 37 in your hymnals.