Mary: [to Sheldon] Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.

Pastor Jeff: Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
Sheldon: What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world? Would they be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?

Adult Sheldon: While my sister was starting her business, I was trying to save mine.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper. May I speak to CEO John Roach, please? It's regarding our stock taking a small dip, and I'd like to hear his game plan. Well, I'm busy, too, but I made the time to call. Fine, may I please speak to your COO? CFO? CTO? Hello?

Sheldon: Meemaw, could you take me to Radio Shack?
Meemaw: Sure, maybe later.
Sheldon: Later's a little vague. Could you please be more specific?
Meemaw: When I'm good and ready. How's that?
Sheldon: Better, but I'd really like to nail this down.

George Jr.: The point is, you shouldn't give this away for free.
Missy: How much would I even charge?
George Jr.: Hmm. How about 50 cents?
Missy: They only cost me, like, two cents to make.
George Jr.: Yeah, but you're not factoring in your time and the cost of the machine you bought and the value of the brainpower it took to think of butterscotch cotton candy.
Missy: Yeah. No one else thought of putting old-lady candy in a cotton candy machine. Why should they get it for free?
George Jr.: Welcome to business.
Missy: Thank you for having me.

Mary: Sheldon and Missy, we are out of here in half an hour.
Sheldon: Not a lot of time to pick a toothbrush.

Missy: I forgot to tell you, a girl called for you.
George Jr.: What girl?
Missy: I don't know. A girl.
George Jr.: Well, what'd she say?
Missy: It's hard to remember. This was months ago.

Sheldon: That boy has an exposed tattoo.
Mary: He does.
Sheldon: I wonder if he knows that's in violation of the dress code.

Pastor Jeff: Oh, and tell Sheldon I spoke to my seminary professor, and the official ruling is: God would appear to the octopus aliens in octopus alien form and save their eight-legged souls.
Praise Jesus!

Mary: Hold on, hold on. Thank you, God, for this food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies, and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.
Missy: We're doing this at breakfast now?
Mary: Yes, I think it's a nice idea.
George Sr.: She's eating Count Chocula. Doesn't he play for the other side?
Mary: I'm so glad God blessed you with a sense of humor, George.

Mary: Sorry, sweetheart, I can't today. I have to bring this food over to the Hanson family. Then I have my new prayer group. And after that, I'm gonna get started on a faith garden in the backyard.
George Sr.: A faith garden? What the hell is that?
Mary: Language. It's an outdoorsy place for me to speak to God.
Missy: Don't you already speak to him indoorsy?
Mary: Yes, but in the backyard, I can enjoy the beautiful world he gave us.
Sheldon: You can also smell the Sparks' chicken coop.

Dale: Well, I got money in the bank, and you got some in a suitcase. Well, we could put it together, we could travel, we could buy a vacation home.
Meemaw: Well, I can't just up and leave. I mean, I got the gambling room.
Dale: Georgie can take care of that, and besides, what's the use of having all that money and not enjoying it?
Meemaw: I guess.
Dale: God, we could go to Mexico and get a cabana and spend days on the beach.
Meemaw: And our nights on the toilet? [both laugh]
Dale: Yeah, doesn't sound half bad.

Sheldon: Is Mom okay?
George Sr.: How the heck should I know?
Missy: She left. You can say "hell."

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Was there anything unusual about your pregnancy?
Mary: No, not that I remember.
George Sr.: Really? You cried for, like, seven months.
Mary: Those were tears of joy. [WEAK LAUGH]
George Sr.: What about all those times you punched me?
Mary: Punches of joy.

Dr. Linkletter: How about some music?
Sheldon: No one likes music. How about a car game?
Ooh, I have a fun one where I say a formula, and then you have to say another formula starting with the last letter or number that I said. So, for example, if I said, [Linkletter groans] "X" equals negative "B" plus or minus...
Dr. Linkletter: Music it is. [classical music plays]

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry I can't help out on driving duty.
Dr. Linkletter: You really never learned?
Dr. John Sturgis: I got my permit, but I've never been comfortable behind the wheel.
Dr. Linkletter: That's a shame. I do enjoy the tranquility of the open road. I find it produces a Zen-like calm.
Dr. John Sturgis: Mm.
Sheldon: You know what else is calming? A fun car game.
Dr. Linkletter: How about this. We'll count out-of-state license plates. First one to a hundred wins.
Sheldon: Not as fun as mine, but very well. Um... Ooh, Oklahoma.
Dr. Linkletter: Silently.
[Dr. Linkletter smiles as Sheldon falls quiet and he can listen to the classical music, only to be interrupted by Dr. Sturgis munching on some chips]

George Sr.: Oh... Boy, I remember putting one of these together for Georgie.
Pastor Jeff: It is great having y'all next door.
George Sr.: Did you not hear me yelling at Georgie last night?
Pastor Jeff: It's okay. I'm sure you'll hear our little one crying soon enough.
George Sr.: Missy was a crier. Sheldon just learned to talk and said, "Father, I have soiled myself."
Pastor Jeff: Well, he's a miracle in his own way.
George Sr.: Oh, you just put a positive spin on everything, don't you?
Pastor Jeff: Kind of goes with the pastor territory.
George Sr.: Okay. What if I said Mary and I have not had a real vacation since we had kids?
Pastor Jeff: I like to believe starting a family will be the most rewarding adventure of all.
George Sr.: You're good. [chuckles] You could not be more wrong, but you're good.

Dr. John Sturgis: Clever girl. That would accentuate her buttocks!

Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know that when Albert Einstein was a little boy, his parents worried there was something wrong with him?
Missy: Because he couldn't comb his hair?
Dr. John Sturgis: No, that was a choice he made later in life. When he was young, he wanted nothing to do with other children, and would often have extreme temper tantrums.
Missy: He sounds like you.
Sheldon: I know. Isn't it great?

Meemaw: At what age do guys stop acting like idiots?
Dale: Oh, no. What'd I do now?
Meemaw: Not you. Georgie's dating an older woman and he's lying about his age.
Dale: Oh. That rascal.
Meemaw: You already knew.
Dale: You don't know what I know.
Meemaw: I see it in your face.
Dale: [sighs] Fine.