Mary: I think this show is teaching you bad lessons.
Missy: Don't worry. I'm a slow learner.
Mary: Is that Goober? Where did you get that?
Missy: Georgie got it for me. He's rich now.

Missy: Eat dirt. Eat it.
Meemaw: Kick his ass!
Missy: Does it taste good? Huh?
Dale: Yeah, listen to your meemaw. Kick his ass!
Missy: You gonna cry? Huh? Do it. Cry.
Mary: Do something. Break it up.
George Sr.: H-Hang on. She's winning.
Mary: Missy! Missy Cooper, you stop beating up that boy!
Meemaw: Punch him in the nuts!

Missy: Someone's Underoos are in a knot.
Sheldon: My Underoos are fitting just fine, thank you.
Missy: Then why is there a stick up your butt?
Sheldon: Stop making inquiries about my bottom.
Missy: But I enjoy it.

[Sheldon sits on the top of the couch with his feet on the cushion]
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm practicing the philosophy of cynicism... The ancient Greek view that the rules of society should be ignored.
Missy: If you're gonna break rules, you can do better than that.
Sheldon: How?
[Missy pushes Sheldon off the couch]

Sheldon: [answering phone] Cooper residence.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. I'd love to talk to you, but I'm right in the middle of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a good one. Geordi goes missing, but Wesley Crusher has a plan to use neutrinos to locate him, since they'd be visible to Geordi's visor.
Dr. John Sturgis: I was actually calling to speak to your father. But I'm glad you're having fun with your friends.
Sheldon: Hang on. I'll go get him. Dad! Phone call!
Adult Sheldon: Even though Dr. Sturgis was confused, one day, Wesley Crusher really would be my friend. Neat, huh?

Mary: Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
Pastor Jeff: We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes. It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Mary: Is that what you've done in your home?
Pastor Jeff: Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time. Take that, Satan.

Dr. John Sturgis: Here we go.
Adult Sheldon: For many kids, Christmas morning was the most exciting day of the year. That's only because most kids don't know the joy of getting their college midterms back. It also didn't hurt that Dr. Sturgis looked like an elf.
Dr. John Sturgis: Nice work, Sheldon. Now, you'll notice that your grades are lower than expected. That's because Sheldon did so well, he broke the curve, turning your A's and B's into B's and C's.
Sheldon: They don't seem happy about it. Maybe you can give them candy.