Sheldon: Good bluff.
Meemaw: Shh.

Meemaw: Hold up. Now, y'all like it when your meemaw babysits. Poker, candy, firecrackers.
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, if your mother ever finds out what you did tonight, that is never gonna happen again.
Sheldon: I can't lie to my mother.
Meemaw: Sure you can. Believe in yourself!

George Jr.: What's taking so long?
Meemaw: Shh. Keep your voice down, car thief.
George Jr.: I didn't steal your car, I just borrowed it.
Meemaw: You're gonna need to make bail someday. Do not come to me.

Pastor Jeff: I thought I'd talk this morning about how it all began. Now, everybody knows how, on the first day of creation, God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. And when God saw that light, he knew it was good.
*Sheldon raises his hand*
Meemaw: Oh, here we go.

Meemaw: Well, here's something nice. You know that Mr. Rosenbloom with the furniture store over by the steakhouse?
Mary: I don't think so.
Meemaw: Oh, sure you do. That Hebrew fella with the comb-over?
Mary: You mean Jewish?
Meemaw: I think they like to be called Hebrew. Anyway, he's asked me to dinner.

Mary: What'd you say?
Meemaw: I said I'd have to think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about?
Meemaw: Well, a lot. I mean, assuming he enjoys dinner, he might want a scoop of Meemaw for dessert.
Mary: Mom, the kids.
Meemaw: I said "dessert." Did you know I was talking about sex?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: See?

Meemaw: How about I cut that pork chop off the bone and throw it in the blender with some gravy?
Sheldon: If it fits through a bendy straw, I'll drink it.

Mary: What's he drinking?
Meemaw: Pork chop and gravy. I snuck some broccoli in there, too. Shh.

Mary: I'm real glad you've been getting out again.
Meemaw: Me, too. We had a nice dinner, took a walk. He's a divorcee, you know.
Mary: I didn't.
Meemaw: It's not a big deal for those people. If they're not a lawyer, they're related to one.

Mary: Well, I don't know what else to do. I suggested that we take him to some kind of professional, but you said he'd outgrow it.
Meemaw: Well, if you're looking for a psychiatrist, I bet my new fella's related to one.

George Sr.: If we take him to a shrink, it feels like we're admitting something's wrong with him.
Mary: He hasn't had solid food in five weeks.
Meemaw: Well, if there is something wrong with him, it ain't constipation.

Meemaw: What are y'all watching?
George Jr.: Little Rascals.
Meemaw: You know most of those kids are dead, right?
Missy: What?
Meemaw: Alfalfa, Stymie, Buckwheat.
Missy: Even Petey the dog?
Meemaw: Oh, especially Petey the dog.
George Jr.: Thanks for making it depressing.
Meemaw: You're very welcome.

Meemaw: Y'all want to go get some ice cream?
George Jr.: What about dinner?
Meemaw: What about it? Come on.
Missy: Is ALF dead?
Meemaw: No, but it's just a matter of time.

Missy: Meemaw, are you gonna have any more babies?
Meemaw: Good Lord, no!
George Jr.: She's too old to have any more babies.
Meemaw: Don't have to have 'em. You live long enough, your hair and your teeth start falling out, you start wetting the bed, you get to be one.
George Jr.: [laughs] That's funny. We're gonna have to put a diaper on you.
Meemaw: You won't be laughing when you're doing it. I might be.

Meemaw: It doesn't matter. Tonight is not about Sheldon.
George Jr.: Yeah, right. Everything's always about Sheldon.
Missy: Yeah. Most of the time, it's like we don't even exist.
Meemaw: I guess Sheldon does get most of the attention. Maybe that's a good thing.
Missy: How?
Meemaw: Well, if it weren't for him, your parents would be on your ass all the time.

George Jr.: I guess I never thought about it that way before.
Meemaw: You kidding me? Right now, they would be nagging you about cleaning your room and doing your homework. Instead, you're sitting in a parking lot, eating a Blizzard for dinner.
Missy: With cookie dough in it.
Meemaw: Exactly. While Sheldon is stuck sitting in some boring shrink's office.
George Jr.: Mom told me they were taking him for a haircut.
Meemaw: Oh, yeah, right. Well, when he gets home, say his hair looks good.

Meemaw: I don't care if you win, just cover the damn spread.
Mary: Mom, are you betting again?
Meemaw: No.

Meemaw: Okay, you can tell me, who's his real daddy?

Meemaw: Is it your dentist? The little guy with the glasses? You can tell me.

Meemaw: Can I ask you a favor?
Sheldon: Sure. What?
Meemaw: You know those statistics that you were talking about with your dad? Could could that be applied to, say, who might win the Cowboys-Packers game next week? And, more specifically, by how much?
Sheldon: I suppose with enough data I could make a reasonable guess.
Meemaw: I don't want a guess, I want to know.