George: Thanks for hearin' me out.
Herschel Sparks: Your wife sent you over here, didn't she?
George: I don't want to talk about it.
Herschel Sparks: I bet she did!
George: Not talkin' about it!
Herschel Sparks: Tell her I said hi!

Sheldon: [SCREAMING]
Mary: Shelly, it's just Bactine.
Sheldon: Aah!
Mary: I didn't even put it on you yet.

Sheldon: I'd rather not talk about it.
Mary: No, I want a name right now.
George: Mary.
Mary: Have you been hurting him?
Missy: Only with my words.

Tam: Jiu-jitsu?
Sheldon: I've decided to learn self-defense.
Tam: Why?
Sheldon: I'm quite small, and will be for several years, maybe even more if I'm a late bloomer.
Tam: Your dad's big, maybe you'll take after him.
Sheldon: We both like my mom. I think that's where the similarities end.

Tam: And what happens when I get to you?
Sheldon: I'll use your inertia to take you down.
Tam: Okay. [Tam runs at Sheldon, who tries to grapple Tam and pull him to the ground] And when does inertia take me down?
Sheldon: Any second. [Later, Tam has his arms wrapped around Sheldon as he tries to struggle free]I don't care I don't understand. I'm using physics.

Mary: Shelly, you all right?
Sheldon: Yes. I must be a little sore from doing jiu-jitsu with Tam yesterday.
George: Why were you doing jiu-jitsu?
Sheldon: We're boys. Roughhousing is what we do.

Mary: Well, I need you to look after him.
Georgie: Why?
Mary: Because I'm your mother, and I'm asking you nicely.
Georgie: What if I don't want to?
Mary: I don't care, you're doing it.
Georgie: How was that nice?

Georgie: So there I was flying above the city, but when I woke up, I couldn't fly.
Sheldon: That's like the dream you had where you were dating Madonna, but when you woke up, you weren't.
Georgie: Exactly. You ever have the ones where your teeth are falling out? Better my teeth than my hair, but-

Mary: George. You need to talk to her parents.
George: Me? Why me?
Mary: Because you're more intimidating than me.
Meemaw: That's rich.

Herschel Sparks: Anyway, how can I help?
George: Uh, well It's come to my attention that, uh, Sheldon's run into a bit of trouble with your daughter.
Herschel Sparks: What kind of trouble?
George: He says she been beating on him.
Herschel Sparks: My Bobbi?
George: Yeah.
Herschel Sparks: This one? The six-year-old? Bobbi, get over here! You realize I've taken dumps bigger than this kid.

Mary: How'd it go?
George: Uh, good. Yeah. I handled it.
Mary: Oh, thank the Lord.
George: Yeah. Me and the Lord. Team effort.

Sheldon: Hello, Bobbi.
Bobbi Sparks: You told on me.
Sheldon: Well, actually, my brother figured it out, so, technically, I would argue that I didn't.
Bobbi Sparks: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Uh, I should let you know, I've read a book on jiu-jitsu. And I'm prepared to throw it at you.

Mary: And regarding this jiu-jitsu stuff, you should know that a man's not supposed to raise his hand to a woman.
Sheldon: Oh, I won't. I don't want to hurt myself again.

Meemaw: She says that to me all the time. I'm not even sure she does it.

Herschel Sparks: I like to take a break from the family and come out here and watch the games.
George: Ooh! Your wife don't mind?
Herschel Sparks: She don't know. She's scared to death of chickens.
George: Is that right?
Herschel Sparks: Once I found out, buildin' this coop was a no-brainer.