Judge Landry: Leon, get these clowns out of here.
Georgie: Your Honor, please, I really need those cigarettes back. My girlfriend's gonna have my baby and I was gonna sell 'em to help pay for the medical expenses.
Judge Landry: That's a touching story. Leon!
Leon: [enters] Sorry. Too much Mountain Dew.
Judge Landry: Take 'em back to holding.
Meemaw: [sighs] How 'bout $1,000, and you can keep my grandson?

Missy: Who you spying on?
Sheldon: Meemaw's house. There's a strange woman loitering on her porch.
Missy: Let me see.
Sheldon: Should we call the police?
Missy: Nah, she's too pretty to be a burglar.
Sheldon: I don't think that's how that works.

Mandy: And I'm worried about your meemaw.
Missy: Well, you don't have to be. She's fine.
Sheldon: She is?
Missy: Yes, Sheldon, she is.
Sheldon: So she's not in jail?
Mandy: She's in jail?
Sheldon: Well, I thought so, but maybe not.
[Missy gives an oblivious Sheldon a scornful look, but he breezily shakes his head, oblivious to her intent]

Mandy: So, what happened?
Missy: All I know is they had a problem at the border. Something about smuggling cigarettes.
Mandy: [quietly] What an idiot.
Missy: Hey. He was just trying to make money 'cause you got pregnant.
Mandy: Oh, so this is my fault?
Missy: He didn't make that baby on his own.
Mandy: Look, you're just a kid, okay? You don't understand what's going on here.
Missy: I know my mom lost her job and got kicked out of the church because you won't marry my brother.
Mandy: I didn't know that.
Missy: So... did I win this argument? Feels like I did.

Mandy: I'm sorry about your troubles with the church.
Mary: [to Missy] What did you tell her?
Missy: Just the highlights. Oh! I forgot I punched out a kid in Sunday school.
Mary: You don't have to tell her all that.
Missy: Maybe she'll feel guilty and marry Georgie.
[Mary turns and looks expectantly at Mandy]
Mandy: No.

Pastor Jeff: How's Georgie and his, uh, young lady friend?
Mary: Great. They're great.
Pastor Jeff: Has anything changed vis-à-vis their... nuptials?
Mary: Nope. Baby's gonna be a bastard. That's what you're implying, isn't it?
Pastor Jeff: [stammers] Not a word I like to use. But, most important, a happy, healthy...
Mary: Bastard.
Pastor Jeff: What you said.
Mary: Good night, Pastor.
Pastor Jeff: God bless.

Missy: [over walkie-talkie] Yeah?
Sheldon: I can't sleep.
Missy: Me neither. This whole Mandy thing is a mess.
Sheldon: If you mean the nomenclature, I agree.
Missy: Norman who?
Sheldon: Nomenclature... the system of devising or choosing names for things.

Dale: This is gonna be my Christmas card. [camera clicks, flashes]
Meemaw: [wakes up] What the hell? What are you doing here?
Dale: I'm saving ya.
George: You think I got that kind of cash lying around?
Dale: He doesn't. That's why I'm saving you.
Meemaw: Well, damn.

Dale: When I get the pictures developed, you want copies?
Meemaw: No.
Dale: Jail's made you cranky. Still haven't heard "thank you."
Meemaw: Thank you.
Dale: Those are the words, but... just not feeling it.
Meemaw: I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm embarrassed. Could we just... please not?
Dale: Sorry. Did you have to join any gangs when you were in there? [chuckles]

Georgie: Well, regardless, it's happening. I'm gonna be a dad.
George: Yes, you are.
Georgie: I hope I'm as good a dad as you are.
George: Don't try to butter me up.
Georgie: [chuckles] You saw that, huh?
George: Yeah, I saw it.
Georgie: Boy, you are smart.

Meemaw: Just to be clear, I'm gonna pay you back every cent.
Dale: Ah. Don't worry about it.
Meemaw: I am worrying about it.
Dale: Well, think of the money as a gift. That I'm gonna be holding over your head.
Meemaw: Well, that doesn't work for me.

Missy: Are we going to church?
Mary: I'm going.
Missy: After everything that happened? Isn't that weird?
Mary: Doesn't matter. I need to.
Missy: I'll go with you.
Mary: You don't have to.
Missy: I want to.
["Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. plays. Mary and Missy turn to look at Sheldon, who is eating his cereal]
Sheldon: What?

Pastor Jeff: Dear friends, let us love one another. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. It means that we are responsible for sharing that love with all those around us. Now let's join hands and pray.
[The woman sitting along the pew from Mary turns behind her to take somebody else's hand]
Pastor Jeff: Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for gathering us here today to join together in worship...
Mary: I've had enough. Let's go.
Missy: You sure?
Mary: Yes.

Sheldon: How's Mom?
Missy: Pretty upset.
Sheldon: Even after that excellent speech I made?
Missy: For once, I don't think you're the problem.
Sheldon: Good for me. [doorbell rings] I'm reading. [Missy sighs]

Pastor Jeff: Hi there, Missy.
Missy: [sighs] May I help you?
Pastor Jeff: Um, I was hoping to talk to your mom. She around?
Missy: I'm not sure. Let me see if she's available.
Mary: What's going on?
Missy: She's available.