Sheldon: She displayed complete contempt for science. She claimed that knowledge was a myth, and then she told the class they could take their shoes off. Some of them did.
Dr. Linkletter: Luckily we've established you're a mature young man capable of figuring this out on his own, so, go get 'em, sport.
Sheldon: But as a man of science, aren't you offended by this?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, this is a college campus. You come across all sorts. Anarchists, communists, vegans. There's a fella in the religion department that believes God is two women, and their names are Wendy and Claire.
Sheldon: But to say nobody actually knows anything, how could she know that? It's a contradiction.
Dr. Linkletter: How about I blow some bubbles out of a bear's head and we call it a day?
Sheldon: I don't know how I'm going to last all semester with this free wheeling hippy.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I don't know what to tell you. If you're that unhappy, just drop the class.
Sheldon: Of course. Drop the class. This is college. I can do that.
Dr. Linkletter:There you go.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Dr. Linkletter: You're welcome.
Sheldon: From now on, I'm coming to you with all my problems.

Professor Ericson: Mr. Cooper, welcome. How can I help you?
Sheldon: I would like to drop your class.
Professor Ericson: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I enjoyed our discussion about skepticism. And butterflies.
Sheldon: I'm a scientist, and I don't find those types of questions worth my time. And butterflies are just worms that can chase you.
Professor Ericson: [laughs] The questions of philosophy are extremely challenging. People have spent 2,000-plus years trying to solve them without success. So if you feel like giving up, I don't blame you.
Sheldon: I'm not giving up. I'm saying they're not important.
Professor Ericson: Okay, so what is important?
Sheldon: The acquisition of factual knowledge.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know if something is factual?
Sheldon: You test it and see if it holds true.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know that that's factual?
Sheldon: ... You're doing it again.
Professor Ericson: Maybe you're dreaming I'm doing it.

Sheldon: And then she said, "Maybe you're just dreaming."
Meemaw: Are you gonna drop the class?
Sheldon: Yes, but only after I systematically destroy her half-baked arguments in front of everybody else.
Meemaw: It's good to have goals.

Adult Sheldon: The good name of Lady Science had been besmirched and it was up to me to defend her honor. I had a lot of ground to cover in one night. Thankfully, 11 years of my family's incessant yammering had given me an extraordinary ability to focus.

Mary: What if we don't turn the TV on at all and we play a board game?
Georgie: Come on.
Missy: Seriously?
Sheldon: [v.o.] "So that a genealogy of concepts results, in which each one has its definite place."
Mary: Shelly, it's your turn. Shelly?
[Sheldon and Mary are suddenly alone at the table:]
Sheldon: What's happening?
Mary: We're playing a board game.
Sheldon: Before dinner?
Mary: You ate dinner.
Sheldon: Did I like it?
Mary: You said the meat loaf was dry.
Sheldon: That sounds right.

Mary: Hi, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: I just wanted to see how today went.
Mary: Oh. [goes outside] Not great. Sheldon is already in some sort of fight with his philosophy professor.
Brenda Sparks: About what?
Sheldon: Currently, he's plotting "the destruction of her worldview," whatever that means.
Brenda Sparks: Sounds exciting.
Mary: It's mostly him reading a book and giggling to himself.

Adult Sheldon: It was past my bedtime, but who could sleep with a page-turner like Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes? Descartes was more than just a philosopher. He was also the mathematician who invented the Cartesian plane. If you've ever enjoyed that X squared plus Y squared equals K is a circle, you can say merci beaucoup to Monsieur Descartes.

Brenda Sparks: Billy's a sweet kid. But these middle schoolers are gonna eat him alive.
Mary: You don't know that. Maybe they'll be nice.
Brenda Sparks: Boy, if we were in middle school right now, I'd have your head in a toilet so fast.

Meemaw: How was your first day?
Sheldon: Infuriating.
[cut to:]
Mary: How was your first day?
Missy: So good.
[cut to:]
George: How was your first day? [Georgie is wearing headphones]

Brenda Sparks: How did Missy do?
Mary: I think Missy had the best day of her life.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, thank God. Tell me everything.
Mary: Well, in one class she sits between her friends, so the note-passing goes through her.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna get the dirt firsthand. That's huge.
Mary: And then an eighth-grade boy talked to her at lunch.
Brenda Sparks: On the first day?
Mary: Uh-huh.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna be prom queen. I'm calling it.
Mary: That's fun, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Brenda Sparks: Mary, it'll be a miracle if Billy even makes it to high school. Don't take this away from me.
Mary: Missy is gonna look so cute in that tiara.
Brenda Sparks: Yes, she is.

Mary: [on the phone] Dr. Linkletter, what can I do for you?
Dr. Linkletter: Hello, Mrs. Cooper. I just wanted to let you know, with Dr. Sturgis away, I'll be available should Sheldon need anything.
Mary: Oh, that is very comforting to know. Thank you so much.
Dr. Linkletter: His well-being is important to me, as was made abundantly clear by my boss.
Mary: Okay, well, we are truly grateful.
Dr. Linkletter: Now, I'm not terribly experienced around children. If he needs to use the restroom, I don't have to go in with him, do I?

Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And with school starting tomorrow, please watch over our children.
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff already covered this.
Mary: He did?
Missy: Yeah, we're good. Amen.
All: Amen.
Mary: Amen.

Mary: Sheldon, good news. Dr. Linkletter was calling to say that while you're at school, if you need anything, you can go to him.
Missy: Starting college and you need a babysitter. That's funny.
Sheldon: I don't need a babysitter.
Mary: Dr. Linkletter is just around in case there's a problem.
Georgie: Like if he needs a new diaper?
Missy: Ha!
George: Enough.
Mary: Can we please have a nice dinner?
Missy: We could. But you're the one who wants to eat as a family.
George: [to Mary] Don't pray for any of 'em.

Mary: I figure you don't want me to walk you in?
Missy: I've trained you well.
Mary: Do you have everything you need? Lunch money?
Missy: Yep.
Mary: Locker combination?
Missy: [pulls down sock] Right here.
Mary: Why is it there?
Missy: Writing on my hand is so fifth grade.
Mary: Of course.
Missy: Okay, I'm gonna go in.
Mary: I assume you don't want a hug?
Missy: Make it quick. [they hug] That's enough.
Mary: Okay.
Missy: Wish me luck.
Mary: Good luck.

Adult Sheldon: I've always considered myself a collector of knowledge. My mind is like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But instead of artifacts, it's just facts. [laughs] And now that I was a full-time college student, my collection was about to grow exponentially.
Professor Ericson: Welcome to the world of philosophy. Most college courses are about teaching you things that you don't know. Here, I am going to teach you that you don't even know what you think you know.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.