George: [yelling] Hope you're happy your mother and I are fighting now! [to a girl who wonders why George is yelling at nobody] There's a closet, it- My son made a citadel. Never mind.

George: Sheldon, go to your room.
Sheldon: Gladly.
Missy: He's just gonna read in there. I'd take away Professor Proton.
George: Stay out of this. ... [yelling] No more Professor Proton!
Sheldon: Aw.
Missy: That's how you do it.

Mary: I can't believe you didn't make him go to class.
George: You told me to handle it; I handled it.
Meemaw: That one's on you.

Dr. Linkletter: Hello?
Meemaw: Hi, Dr. Linkletter. It's Connie Tucker.
Dr. Linkletter: Connie. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Meemaw: I need a favor.
Dr. Linkletter: Of course. Anything. Should we discuss it over dinner?
Meemaw: I'll take a rain check on that. I was hoping that my grandson could join in your physics class until John is, uh back.
Dr. Linkletter: From the mental hospital?
Meemaw: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: The one he never told you he'd been in before?
Meemaw: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: A curious ethical choice on his part, if you ask me.
Meemaw: Can he take the class or not?
Dr. Linkletter: Of course. Although, I never taught a child before. Is he potty-trained?

Mary: I thought you were gonna take out the garbage.
George: I'm sorry. I was under the impression you did everything around here.
Mary: You really want to start this again?
George: I contribute plenty, and it wouldn't kill you to show a little appreciation.
Mary: I'll be sure to do that as soon as I finish the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the grocery shopping and helping Missy with her homework.
George: You like how my job pays for all the bills, right?
Mary: Stop acting like you're the only one with a job.

Mary: Hi, Pastor Jeff. Everything okay?
Pastor Jeff: I'm in trouble. Robin just got here. She looks nice, and she smells even nicer.
Mary: Come on, now. Uh, nothing smells better than eternal salvation.

George: I mean, I-I just can't win. When I step in, I'm doing it wrong, and when I don't step in, she yells at me.
Coach Wilkins: I hear you.
George: So Darlene does the same thing with you?
Coach Wilkins: No. But I'd hate it if she did. That sounds awful.
George: So, what do you two fight about?
Coach Wilkins: You know, normal stuff. Who loves the other one more. Whose turn it is for a foot rub. Oh, the other day, we did argue about which way the toilet paper should hang.
George: Who won?
Coach Wilkins: I don't remember. We just ended up making love on the bathroom floor.
George: Thank you, Wayne. This has been real helpful.
Coach Wilkins: When was the last time you took Mary out on a date?
George: I couldn't even tell you.
Coach Wilkins: Mm. That poor woman.
George: Hey. You're supposed to be on my side.
Coach Wilkins: I'd like to be. [chuckles] But you're not giving me much to work with.

Missy: If Mom knew this was in the house, she'd lose her mind.
Georgie: I know. Mom does not like demons.
Missy: So, how does it work?
Georgie: You put your fingertips on it like this, and you ask it questions. Then the spirits from beyond will move you around the board and answer them.
Missy: Whoa.
Georgie: Let's try it.
Missy: Okay. [hesitating] Pastor Jeff talked about these in Sunday school. He called them Satan's Monopoly board.

Missy: [answering phone] Hello? [to Georgie] It's Pastor Jeff. What do I do?
Georgie: See what he wants.
Missy: What do you want?
Pastor Jeff: Um, is your mom home?
Missy: No, she went out with my dad. It's just me and Georgie.
Pastor Jeff: Oh. Okay. Well, I hope you two are behaving yourselves.
Missy: We are. We're just watching TV. Okay, bye. [to Georgie] I just lied to a pastor.
Georgie: So?
Missy: So I'm going to hell!

George: Well, Wayne and I were discussing marriage, and he was going on about how happy he is. I just wanted to try to work on ours.
Mary: That's really sweet, George. So they go on dinner dates like this?
George: Oh, they do all kinds of stuff. Line dancing and movie night. You wouldn't believe what they got up to in their bathroom.
Mary: Where do they find the time?
George: Well- Well, they don't have any kids, so... Son of a bitch! They don't have kids. That's why they're happy.
Mary: George.
George: It's true. You and I used to be way more fun.
Mary: That may be so, but you can't blame the children.
George: Oh, I can, and I am. Don't get me wrong. They're great. I love them. But you got to admit that they do not make our lives easy.

Mary: I suppose there's a challenging aspect to them.
George: There you go. See? Feels good to say it out loud, right?
Mary: Maybe a little.
George: Hey. Think about how clean the house would be if it was just us.
Mary: Oh, my. [chuckling] So, what did they do in the bathroom?