President Hagemeyer: Why would I rehire him? He just caused a panic about the supercollider.
Sheldon: They say there's no such thing as bad publicity. That's a quote from P.T. Barnum.
President Hagemeyer: I don't care.
Sheldon: Do you care that the "P" stood for Phineas?
President Hagemeyer: No.
Sheldon: Then I won't tell you what the "T" stood for.
President Hagemeyer: Great.
Sheldon: Taylor.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary.
Mary: Hey, John. What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I lost my job. So while I'm figuring things out, I'm a bag boy. Although at my age, "boy" is pushing it. [laughs]
Mary: Aren't you a little... [whispers] overqualified?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Very.
Mary: Hey, why don't you join us for dinner this weekend. Sheldon would love to see you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Man: [over P.A.] Cleanup on aisle two.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's me. Madge, can you finish up here? I have a date with a mop. [chuckles] [walks away]
Mary: [to Madge] He's really smart.

[fantasy:]
Missy: And I just want to say I'm sorry for any time I was bad and any time I was mean to Sheldon.
Mary: It's okay.
Missy: It's just so funny when he's upset. But I'm still sorry about it.
George Jr.: I'm sorry, too. Dad, I've been awful, especially to you.
George Sr.: No, you haven't.
George Jr.: I have.
George Sr.: Well, we're good. [they hug]
Mary: Okay, we are done talking. I love you all, but it is really time to pray.
All: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Missy: Is that really what would happen if there was a black hole?
Dr. John Sturgis: One of the possibilities.
Meemaw: Are they all such a bummer?
Sheldon: Not necessarily. There's a theory that an event like that could open a wormhole into an alternate universe.
George Sr.: So what goes on in an alternate universe?
Sheldon: Anything, really. It could be slightly different from this one or the complete opposite.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's true.
George Sr.: So if a black hole transports us to an alternate universe, w-would we even know it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Probably not.

Meemaw: You seem to be interested in this alternative universe thing. Maybe that's something you could work on.
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe there's another universe where I'm already doing that.
Meemaw: Sure, but maybe you could do it in both. [chuckles]
Dr. John Sturgis: What are you getting at?
Meemaw: Just that instead of wasting your time bagging groceries, you could be working on something worthwhile.
Dr. John Sturgis: There's nothing wrong with me trying something new.
Meemaw: But you've got a PhD. You're the smartest person here.
Sheldon: Well...
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie, I'm happy doing what I'm doing right now.
Meemaw: I don't believe that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me. You know more about how I should live my life than I do?
Meemaw: Yeah, maybe.
Dr. John Sturgis: May I speak with you outside?

George Jr.: How are you?
Madge: You got I.D.?
George Jr.: Yeah. Dang it. I must have left it in my wife's minivan.
Madge: I can't sell this to you.
George Jr.: I'm 21, I swear. You can ask Dr. Sturgis.
Madge: Who?
George Jr.: The old guy over there. Dr. Sturgis!
Dr. John Sturgis: Hey! [knocks over pyramid of cans]
George Jr.: Never mind.

Pastor Jeff: I never thought I could love anything this much. [voice breaking] I used to think I loved my dog Waffles, but it doesn't even compare.
Mary: You okay?
Pastor Jeff: Sorry. I'm fine. Just haven't been sleeping lately.
Mary: Why don't you go home? We can handle things here.
Pastor Jeff: No. No, I'm good. I got work to do. [voice breaking] Away from my son, who's probably wondering where his daddy went and if he's ever coming home.
Mary: Maybe go.

Mary: And don't worry about a thing here.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Peg: Oh, sure, we can handle the food drive, the bulletins...
Mary: And if you're not feeling up to it, I could even give the sermon on Sunday.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure I'll be fine by Sunday.
Mary: You don't have to decide right now.
Pastor Jeff: I'll do the sermon.
Mary: We'll play it by ear.
Peg: Take a hint, sister.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Meemaw: Mary's working late, Sheldon's in the garage, and Missy's in her room hating the world.
George Sr.: What's wrong with Missy?
Meemaw: My guess is a boy. And I hope you like this song, because it's in heavy rotation.
George Sr.: I'll go talk to her.
Meemaw: That's not a good idea.
George Sr.: Mm, Missy and I kind of have a father-daughter thing.
Meemaw: Maybe you and cute, little Missy. This is pre-teen, angry Missy. You haven't met her yet.
George Sr.: I got this.
Meemaw: Hmm. [chuckles softly] Dumb and confident... my favorite combination.

Meemaw: How'd that Daddy-daughter thing work out?
George Sr.: I'm not in the mood, Connie.
Meemaw: I told you not to go in there, but you knew better, didn't you?
George Sr.: I don't need your parenting advice.
Meemaw: Seems like you do.
George Sr.: I'm sorry. How many of your children still talk to you? Oh, that's right. Just Mary.

Mary: [enters] What's going on?
Sheldon: Missy tore my Professor Proton picture, and now Dad's yelling at me.
George Sr.: You yelled first. He yelled first.
Mary: [sighs] I'll take care of this.
George Sr.: You don't even know what happened.
Mary: Did she tear up his picture?
George Sr.: Well, yeah, she did.
Mary: Honestly, I can't leave this house for five minutes without everything falling apart.
George Sr.: I was handling it.
Mary: Obviously.
George Sr.: [sighs] You yelled first.

Meemaw: Hey, Moon Pie. Is everything okay?
Sheldon: No, everything is terrible.
Meemaw: Oh. That sounds like a job for cookies.

Meemaw: Okay, here you go.
Sheldon: You're not baking them fresh?
Meemaw: Do you want me to bake or you want me to listen?
[Sheldon shrugs]
[cut to Meemaw mixing cookie dough]

Mary: Come in.
George Jr.: I figured you didn't eat. I made you some soup.
Mary: Oh, thank you. But you didn't have to do that. Everything's fine.
George Jr.: I ain't a kid. You don't gotta lie to me.
Mary: [sighs] Okay. Honestly, I'm upset with your father. And I'm upset with myself.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: 'Cause... he's right. Maybe I do think I know best, and I can be critical. But thank you for making me soup.
George Jr.: You're welcome.
Mary: Did you put water in this?
George Jr.: Was I supposed to?
Mary: It's fine.

Adult Sheldon: That's the thing with pool balls and people. They are both... unpredictable.
Brenda Sparks: Hi, George.
George Sr.: Oh, hey, Brenda. What brings you out tonight?
Brenda Sparks: Just needed to get out of the house.
George Sr.: [sighs heavily] I hear that.
Brenda Sparks: You want some company?
George Sr.: Sure.

George Sr.: And then Missy starts tearing everybody a new one, 'cause her little boyfriend broke up with her.
Brenda Sparks: Poor thing. But good training for when her husband dumps her one day.
George Sr.: [chuckles] I'm sorry about that.
Brenda Sparks: No, you know what, the truth is, it was over a while ago.
George Sr.: It happens.
Brenda Sparks: But, hey, he's got the kids tonight and ladies drink half price, so let's pretend I'm a lady.
George Sr.: [laughs] Yes, ma'am.
Brenda Sparks: Mm. You look like you could use a shot with that beer.
George Sr.: Shots? I got school in the morning.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. I didn't realize we were both here for ladies' night.
George Sr.: Can we get some shots over here?

George Sr.: [laughs] You were a cheerleader?
Brenda Sparks: Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't know it to look at me now.
George Sr.: Don't say that. I can totally see you on top of that pyramid.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, I was on the bottom, and you know it. But at least I could fill out a sweater.
George Sr.: You and me both, sister.

George Sr.: Oh! I love Skynyrd!
Brenda Sparks: You know what? I saw them play Dallas.
George Sr.: You're kidding. Wh-What year?
Brenda Sparks: I'd just got kicked out of beauty school, so I guess... [sighs] '76?
George Sr.: I was at that show!
Brenda Sparks: Stop it.
George Sr.: Nah. Nazareth opened.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, my God. They did. They did. [chuckles]
George Sr.: Small world.
Brenda Sparks: Yeah.

Brenda Sparks: You want to dance?
George Sr.: [chuckles] Me? No.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, come on.
George Sr.: No. There's people here.
Brenda Sparks: Well... then what if we go someplace else?
George Sr.: What do you have in mind?
Brenda Sparks: Herschel does have the kids. [off George's look] Oh, God, I'm sorry. [laughs] That was... That was over the line. [George groans] [George pants] You okay? George?

Mary: Brenda. Have you heard anything?
Brenda Sparks: Not yet.
Mary: Oh, what happened?
Brenda Sparks: Um, I- I ran into George at the bar, and... next thing I know, he started having chest pains.
Mary: [sighs] Well, thank the Lord you were there with him.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. I really didn't do anything.
Mary: Don't say that! Who knows what would've happened if you hadn't been there?
Brenda Sparks: [chuckles awkwardly] Yeah.