Sheldon: There's the cafeteria. If you like tuna salad with hair in it. Over there is the quad. It's a nice place to relax, if you like getting hit in the head with Frisbees.
Paige: I know what you're doing.
Sheldon: No, you don't.
Paige: You have nothing to worry about. I don't want to come to this school. I'm just looking at it to make my mom happy since it's close to home.
Sheldon: Well, that's wonderful news.
Paige: Besides, I've got offers from way better universities.
Sheldon: What do you mean? What's wrong with this school?
Paige: It's fine. It's just nowhere near as good as Harvard or Columbia.
Sheldon: It is too.
Paige: If you like a substandard science department and hair in your tuna.

Sheldon: She said she doesn't even want to come to this university.
President Hagemeyer: Well, I hope you convinced her otherwise.
Sheldon: She said she'd rather go to Harvard or Columbia.
President Hagemeyer: [scoffs] T-Those are all perfectly fine schools, but we have a lot to offer here, too.
Sheldon: I told her that, but she said I was settling because I want to live close to my mommy.
President Hagemeyer: Well, that's ridiculous.
Sheldon: That's why I came here to tell on her.
President Hagemeyer: Well, the important thing is you're here and you're happy.
Sheldon: I thought I was, but why does Paige get to go to a better school than me?
President Hagemeyer: Hey, I know what'll solve your problem. Convince Paige to come here.
Sheldon: Yeah. Wait.

Mary: Sometimes I think George doesn't even see me. And it's not just him. My daughter's embarrassed of me, my boys think all I'm good for is food and clean clothes.
June: You start feeling like a ghost, right?
Mary: Yes.
June: I get it, I'm a mom.
Mary: [sighs] So did that feeling ever go away?
June: Yeah. I realized I was doing everything for everyone else, and I didn't have anything left for me. So, here we are.

Mary: When I was younger, I used to love making my own clothes.
June: Mm-hmm.
Mary: I always thought I'd do something with that. Maybe I should get back to it.
June: You definitely should.
Mary: Okay.
June: Okay. So, what are we thinking?
Mary: Actually, I don't think I need a haircut anymore. Thank you so much.
June: Oh, my pleasure. [chuckles] I got to start charging by the hour.

George Jr.: What are you doing?
Mary: I'm sewing.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: Because it's a thing I like to do.
George Jr.: I ain't never seen you sew.
Mary: Well, you're seeing it now.

George Jr.: What you making?
Mary: A dress for Missy.
George Jr.: Did you lose your job?
Mary: No.
George Jr.: Did Dad lose his job?
Mary: It's about me doing something for myself.
George Jr.: All right, don't get sassy.
George Sr.: [enters] Hey. What's going on in here?
George Jr.: She's making clothes for Missy.
George Sr.: Uh-oh. Did you lose your job?
Mary: No.
George Jr.: She's doing something for her. [whispers] I don't get it, either.

Sheldon: Ooh, maybe I'll transfer to the University of Zurich.
Missy: I thought you liked your school.
Sheldon: I did, until Paige ruined it.
Missy: Why do you care what she thinks?
Sheldon: I don't.
Missy: Sure sounds like you do.
Sheldon: I can't help it. She makes me crazy.
Missy: Then stop thinking about her.
Sheldon: I wish I could.

Adult Sheldon: My sister had gotten into my head, but I needed a more reliable opinion than a magazine that included the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips.

Sheldon: Georgie?
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: Can I ask you a question about girls?
George Jr.: Go ahead, but I find them very confusing.

Sheldon: Missy thinks I have a crush on Paige.
George Jr.: Do you?
Sheldon: I don't know, but I know that I don't want to.
George Jr.: Well, you don't get to choose. It's just something you feel.
Sheldon: Did you have a crush on your girlfriend?
George Jr.: Yeah, I guess.
Sheldon: How did you know when you did?
George Jr.: Well, one day she came to school in these soccer shorts, and that was it.
Sheldon: What happened, you played soccer with her?
George Jr.: No, dummy.
Sheldon: Then what was the significance of the shorts?
George Jr.: I don't think I can help you.
Sheldon: Fine, I'll ask Dad.
George Jr.: Good luck. The only thing he has a crush on is beer.

Sheldon: [on the phone] I just want to know if I have a crush.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, does your heart rate elevate when you're in her presence?
Sheldon: I suppose.
Dr. John Sturgis: Does your stomach flutter?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sounds like your limbic system might be doing its thing.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.

George Sr.: That's a lot of fabric.
Mary: Oh, it's not just fabric. I also got pattern books and an accessory kit.
George Sr.: Can I ask how much that all cost?
Mary: Well, it's hard to say, because in the long run I'm gonna save us money.
George Sr.: Well, what did it cost in the short run?
Mary: I don't know, a hundred dollars?
George Sr.: A hundred dollars? What is wrong with you?

Coach Wilkins: Why would you say that?
George Sr.: That is a good question.
Coach Wilkins: I mean, what is wrong with you?
George Sr.: Why is it okay when you say it?
Coach Wilkins: 'Cause clearly there's something wrong with you.

George Sr.: So you think it's fine that she spent a hundred dollars on thread?
Coach Wilkins: I think it's fine that she has something that makes her happy. [George looks around] What are you looking for?
George Sr.: Anybody but you.
Coach Wilkins: Look, I get it. One time, Darlene got all into scrapbooking. Overnight, our den became her scrapbooking room.
George Sr.: What did you do?
Coach Wilkins: I said, "Whatever makes you happy, dear," and made love to her in the scrapbooking room.
George Sr.: Maybe if you had three kids, you'd worry more about money.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, we can't wait to have babies. I just love the way their little heads smell.
George Sr.: [loudly] Does anybody in here want to be my friend? Anybody?

Paige: Look, Sheldon, you're not gonna convince me to come here. You're wasting your time.
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm afraid we have a bigger problem.
Paige: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: [sighs] I'm a scientist, and I have to follow the data wherever it leads, whether I like it or not.
Paige: Get to the point.
Sheldon: It seems I have a crush on you.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: I'm as surprised as you are. But I have all the symptoms according to both Dr. Sturgis and the editors of Sassy magazine.

Paige: Uh, Sheldon, I'm really glad that you told me this, 'cause... the truth is, I feel the same way about you.
Sheldon: You do?
Paige: I mean, I've been trying to hide it, but now I don't have to anymore. This is such a relief.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. This is new information. I had been operating under the assumption that my crush was unrequited.
Paige: Oh, it's requited, Sheldon. It's very requited.
Sheldon: Hmm. [Paige moves closer to Sheldon] What are you doing?
Paige: We have a crush on each other.
Sheldon: So?
Paige: Well, now we have to kiss.
Sheldon: We do?
Paige: I mean, it's where the data has led us.
Sheldon: I suppose.

Paige: Okay. Now close your eyes and pucker up. This might tickle.
[As Paige puts two fingers on Sheldon's lips, she pulls out a magic marker and draws a mustache on his face]
Sheldon: [muffled] What's happening? Are we kissing?
Paige: You bet. How was that?
Sheldon: I didn't feel anything romantic.
Paige: Hmm. Me, either.
Sheldon: I guess it wasn't a crush after all.
Paige: I guess not.
Sheldon: Hmm. That's a relief.
Paige: It is.
Adult Sheldon: I went to three classes before I figured it out. Good thing I look spiffy in a mustache.

Mary: Hi.
June: Oh. Three days in a row. If you were a man, I'd think you was in love with me.

Mary: Well, this time I'm actually gonna get a haircut. I had a little accident.
June: Uh-oh, what happened?
Mary: Well, I was sewing and got to daydreaming...
[flashback to Mary working on the sewing machine before she starts to fantasize:]
[fantasy: Missy, Georgie and George are wearing clothes Mary made:]
Missy: I love it. You can make all my clothes from now on.
George Jr.: I'm-a wear this to the prom.
George Sr.: I was wrong, honey, you really are good at this. Boy, am I dumb.
[reality:]
[sewing machine clacking]
Mary: George! George! Help!
George Sr.: What? What's the matter?
Mary: My hair got tangled in the machine.
George Sr.: So pull it out.
Mary: Don't you think I thought of that?!
George Sr.: Well, what do you want me to do? All right, don't move.
[back:]
Mary: And here we are.
June: Okay. Let's get that hat off and see what we're dealing with.
Mary: I don't want to.
June: Oh, come on. I've been doing this a long time. I promise you I've seen worse. Oh... [chortles] That's not bad at all.

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] I never cared for surprises. My meemaw, on the other hand, thought they were "a hoot." And it's a good thing, because instead of finding the paper on her doorstep, she found... [doorbell rings]
Meemaw: [gasps] What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: I wanted to surprise you.
Meemaw: Mission accomplished.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, good.