Meemaw: Fine. You can be my assistant manager.
George Jr.: Oh, I like the sound of that.
Meemaw: So, it's a deal?
George Jr.: Well, hold on, how much you gonna pay me?
Meemaw: Did I mention that assistant manager comes with a spiffy nametag?
George Jr.: Does it also come with a spiffy paycheck?

George Jr.: How about this: no hourly wage, just a cut.
Meemaw: What kind of cut you thinking?
George Jr.: Five percent.
Meemaw: Three percent.
George Jr.: Five.
Meemaw: Three.
George Jr.: You're supposed to go in the middle and say four.
Meemaw: Why don't you say four?
George Jr.: Fine, four.
Meemaw: Two.
George Jr.: Come on.

Mary: Why don't you two have a seat.
Missy: In here? Did somebody die?
Mary: No, I just want to talk to you.
Missy: They're getting divorced.
Sheldon: At least they waited until one of us was in college.
Mary: We are not getting a divorce. Just sit.

Mary: So, you two are both growing up, and I thought that maybe it might be time to have a talk about... that and some of the things that go along with... that.
Missy: [whispers] What is happening?
Sheldon: I think she's trying to have the human reproduction talk.
Missy: Oh, God.
Mary: Uh, speaking of God, He is very clear about the do's and the don'ts, especially the don'ts.
Missy: I'm not talking about this with you.
Sheldon: I don't think you'll have any new information for me, but I'm happy to chime in with biology facts.

Sheldon: You can't be too young if you're an aphid, some of them are born pregnant.
Missy: [to Mary] I didn't do anything wrong. I just asked some questions.
Mary: Well, you can ask me.
Missy: I'm not asking you anything, ever. [storms out]
Sheldon: It's just her hormones. Would you like to learn more? When children reach adolescence, a cascade of hormones are released...

[As Missy sits on her bed, writing in her diary and listening to music, she is startled as she looks up and sees Sheldon stood outside her window.]
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Making sure you don't run away.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Because that's what happened the last time you and Mom fought.
Missy: [opens window] I'm not going anywhere. Now, get out of here, creepo.
Sheldon: Why did you get so mad at Mom?
Missy: I don't want to talk to her about that stuff. It's so embarrassing.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: If you have to ask, then something's wrong with you.
Sheldon: But the topic was procreation, and she clearly has procreated.
Missy: Ew.

Mary: Actually, um... I might have overstepped yesterday. In fact, I... think there might be some value in the kids hearing some of these things from people other than their parents.
Pastor Rob: Great. [chuckles] Hey, maybe it's something you and I could do together?
Mary: Oh, no, no, no, this was your idea.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, but you've got way more experience. With kids, I mean.
Mary: [chuckles] I know what you meant.
Pastor Rob: [chuckles] Plus, it would be great for them to hear from a woman. So, either you or Peg, so...
Mary: Oh. I want to scare them, but not that much.

Dr. John Sturgis: You know, there's some science to indicate that adolescents process embarrassment with a different part of their brain than adults do.
Sheldon: Really? So maybe Missy's right, and I'm an outlier.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps. Let's increase our sample size. Andy, would you feel embarrassed talking about sexual intercourse with your mother?
Andy: Uh...
Sheldon: Stammering, red-faced. He does seem embarrassed.
Dr. John Sturgis: Although, he may just be embarrassed by the subject in general. How would you feel discussing it with a co-worker? Say- Say me, for example.
[cut to Dr. Sturgis handing his apron in to his manager]
[cut to Dr. Sturgis on his bicycle outside the store with Sheldon:]
Dr. John Sturgis: And now we know conversations like that can cost you your job.
Sheldon: You learn something new every day.

Meemaw: Oh! Don't take all my money! I'm just a Texas grandma trying to make people happy. [laughs]

Meemaw: How we doing?
George Jr.: There's a problem with the cash box.
Meemaw: Oh, what's that?
George Jr.: I can't get it to close.
Meemaw: That is my kind of problem.

George Jr.: Fine. Good luck laundering this money without me.
Meemaw: You know how to do that?
George Jr.: I've seen Scarface, like, ten times.
Meemaw: Great. I'll just watch Scarface.
George Jr.: Dang it.

Mary: [enters] Pastor Jeff, you wanted to see me... Oh. Hello.
Pastor Rob: Looks like we both got called to the principal's office. Guess we've been naughty.
Mary: [laughing] That's not a thing.
Pastor Jeff: You okay?
Mary: Yeah, I just didn't sleep too good.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I didn't either. My phone was ringing off the hook. Apparently, this little talk y'all were planning on giving is causing quite the tizzy.
Pastor Rob: A good tizzy?
Pastor Jeff: There's no such thing as a good tizzy. There's only bad tizzies.
Pastor Rob: You know who wasn't afraid of causing a tizzy?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, yeah, Jesus, but He didn't get 14 messages from angry parents on his answering machine. There was probably more, but that little tape got full.

Pastor Rob: Yeah, people have had some strong feelings, but I think if they heard us out, they'd see we're not putting impure thoughts in anyone's heads. Right, Mary?
Mary: No. I mean, I mean, yes, we're not. I mean, if we're upsetting people, we should just back off.
Pastor Jeff: Exactly. The talk is off. I never want to talk about the talk again.
Mary: Hallelujah.
Pastor Jeff: If you'll excuse me, I have 14 phone calls to return.
Pastor Rob: Well, sorry this didn't work out.
Mary: It's probably for the best. [inner monologue] Do not look at his butt. Do not look. Okay, do not look again.

Adult Sheldon: My own history with engineering began spring semester of my freshman year.
Professor Boucher: [enters] Good morning. I'm Professor Boucher, and this is Civil Engineering Lab. Class begins at 0900, which is... [closes door] ...now. In this course, we're going to apply the principles of static mechanical forces...
Student: [knocks on door] I'm in this class.
Professor Boucher: This class started at 0900, so... no, you're not. As I was saying... [Sheldon raises his hand] Uh, yes?
Sheldon: I appreciate your use of the 24-four hour time format. Were you aware that while often referred to as "military time," it actually dates back to the Egyptians?
Professor Boucher: I'm aware that the class is now starting at 0901. Is it all right with you if I begin?
Sheldon: Please.
Adult Sheldon: One minute in and I was already his favorite.

Sheldon: And then, at exactly nine o'clock, he locked the doors and wouldn't let any latecomers in.
Mary: That seems a little harsh.
Sheldon: He's so intolerant. It's fantastic. He also wears a bow tie, and instead of using my name, he gave me a number.
Mary: I don't think I like that, either.
Sheldon: No, it's great. It's like we're robots. And guess what my number is.
George Jr.: Number two? [Missy snickers]
Sheldon: No, number one, like Riker on Star Trek. But number two is also good. Like the pencil.

Mary: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed your class.
Sheldon: For our first assignment, we get to build a bridge. Professor Boucher was part of the Army Corps of Engineers, and he built bridges all over the world.
George Sr.: You know, I was also in the Army.
Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps you trudged across one of his bridges. How neat would that be?
Missy: I bet Dad did cool Army stuff, too.
George Sr.: Nope. "Trudging" sums it up.

George Jr.: See, number one is also pretty funny, 'cause it means taking a leak. [Mary sighs]

June: Come in. If you're a robber, I got a gun.
Meemaw: It's Connie and Dale. Don't shoot.
June: [laughs] Oh. Hey. Y'all didn't have to come by.
Meemaw: We just wanted to see how you're doing.
Dale: Yeah. Brought your favorite ice cream.
June: Butter pecan?
Dale: What's your second-favorite? [off June's look] I'll put this away.

Adult Sheldon: You know it's bleak when even a trip to RadioShack couldn't lift my spirits.
Announcer: Professor Proton will be right back after these messages.
[A recruitment commercial plays for the U.S. army]
Sheldon: Of course.
Adult Sheldon: I realized Professor Boucher was pushing me to be the best me I could be. You'd think the person who could teach me to be the best me I could be was me, but it was Professor Boucher, after the Army taught him to be the best he that he could be. Now it was up to me to help us be the best "we" we could be.

Dale: Well, for the sake of honesty and because she might tell you, I was helping her take a shower.
Meemaw: You took a shower with her?!
Dale: She took the shower, I was just assisting.
Meemaw: So she was naked.
Dale: For crying out loud, we were married. I've seen her naked a million times.
Meemaw: You think that is helping?
Dale: I knew I shouldn't have been honest.
Meemaw: You shouldn't have been playing bathroom attendant.
Dale: There was nothing sexy about it. It was like washing a car. A rusty old car.
Meemaw: Did you scrub her windshield?
Dale: What does that even mean?
Meemaw: Her boobs, genius.
Dale: I was helping her in the shower so she didn't fall down.
Meemaw: Well, fine.
Dale: And boobs are headlights. Everybody knows that.