Meemaw: Listen, I need you to help me with this. I don't want to run this dump.
George Jr.: Then why'd you buy it?
Meemaw: [exhales] I'm retired. I thought it might be fun, get me out of the house.
George Jr.: And you picked a laundromat?
Meemaw: It seemed like a better opportunity at the moment.
George Jr.: What happened? You get tricked by a con man?
Meemaw: No.
George Jr.: It's all right. Happens to a lot of people your age.

Coach Wilkins: Hey, uh, how's bachelor life treating you?
George Sr.: Good. Mary makes this parenting thing seem hard. I'm great at it.
Coach Wilkins: So, you finally gave it a shot. Good for you.
George Sr.: Make your jokes, but I'm even helping out kids that aren't mine.
Coach Wilkins: Really?
George Sr.: Billy Sparks got a little crush on Missy.
Coach Wilkins: Uh-oh. Danger zone.
George Sr.: What? [chuckles] Why?
Coach Wilkins: Getting in the middle of your teenage daughter's love life? What could possibly go wrong?
George Sr.: I can't win with you.

George Sr.: I'm not even gonna tell you how I helped Sheldon.
Coach Wilkins: It may be better you don't.
George Sr.: Fine. I used a sports metaphor about science, and it worked.
Coach Wilkins: I'm sure it did.
George Sr.: It did.
Coach Wilkins: I'm sure.
George Sr.: You should be.
Coach Wilkins: I am.
George Sr.: Good.
Coach Wilkins: It is good.
George Sr.: Are you just gonna keep having the last word?
Coach Wilkins: No.
George Sr.: Thank you. [sighs] [Coach Wilkins is silent] Just say it.
Coach Wilkins: You're welcome.

George Jr.: Hey, you took a shot. That's impressive.
Meemaw: I guess.
George Jr.: I mean, most folks your age have someone cutting up their food.
Meemaw: That's enough.
George Jr.: Well, I still think you're a badass.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Thank you. We should probably get back out there.
George Jr.: Oh. [chuckles] I ain't working for you. But I'm rooting for you.

Sheldon: You see it, right?
Dr. Linkletter: That Dr. Sturgis was correct and I need to eat crow and go back to him?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: Let's just give it another moment. [water gurgles]

Coach Wilkins: You've been doing such a good job at home, I thought you should be recognized.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Oh. Thanks.
Coach Wilkins: Mm. How'd everything go last night?
George Sr.: Not bad. Not bad.
Coach Wilkins: Glad to hear it. You lying sack.
George Sr.: What?
Coach Wilkins: I know Billy asked Missy out and it all went south. Darlene told me everything.
George Sr.: Oh, man, how did she find out?
Coach Wilkins: You know how gossip flies in the teachers' lounge.
George Sr.: Fine. Everything you said is true. Shouldn't have gotten involved.
Coach Wilkins: Well, I'm-a let you keep the mug as a goal to work towards.
George Sr.: Mm, gee, thanks.
Coach Wilkins: How'd the thing with Sheldon go? [George exhales] All right, give me the mug back.
George Sr.: Gladly.

Meemaw: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
George Jr.: Why?
Meemaw: Because I don't run a carnival. Grown-up people don't-don't gamble to win a teddy bear.
George Jr.: You're not getting it.
Meemaw: I'm getting that it's dumb.
George Jr.: I'm trying to help you.
Meemaw: If you really wanted to help me, you would stick your head in there and start scraping.

Dr. Linkletter: Although I suppose, based on your premise, we could calculate the stress-energy tensor for each.
Adult Sheldon: It turned out their antagonism was the key to their success.
Dr. John Sturgis: ...find an experiment to distinguish them.
Dr. Linkletter: While derivative, I'll admit your point does have some merit.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course it has merit, you... you...
Sheldon: [whispers] Big, pink Sasquatch?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Good. [normal voice] You big, pink Sasquatch!

George Sr.: Tough week, huh?
Billy Sparks: Yeah.
George Sr.: Yeah, I been there.
Billy Sparks: You have?
George Sr.: Oh, yeah. Darcy Lockhart, eighth grade. Shut me down on the school bus.
Billy Sparks: That sounds awful.
George Sr.: Couldn't even leave. Just had to sit there. I asked nine stops too early.
Billy Sparks: What did you do?
George Sr.: I felt bad for a while, but then I asked out Maggie Gormly.
Billy Sparks: She said yes?
George Sr.: Absolutely not. And would you believe I did it on the bus a second time? What a dope.

Billy Sparks: Well, I'm never asking anybody out again.
George Sr.: You will. At least the worst part's over.
Billy Sparks: Doesn't feel like it.
George Sr.: Hey. You got rejected, but was it the end of the world?
Billy Sparks: No.
George Sr.: And that is extremely valuable information. A lot of guys don't learn that and stop taking chances. And honestly, you dodged a bullet with Missy. The girl is mean.
Billy Sparks: Thanks.

Dale: What about Georgie's idea?
Meemaw: That dumb Chuck E. Cheese thing? Dale, come on.
Dale: Well, actually, I think it's kind of brilliant.
Meemaw: You think that grown-ups are gonna gamble for some stuffed animals?
Dale: Yeah, that you're buying back from them.
Meemaw: Well, a teddy bear's only worth a couple of bucks.
Dale: It's worth whatever you say it's worth. They win a hundred bucks, then it's worth a hundred bucks.

Adult Sheldon: When children reach adolescence, a cascade of hormones are released... causing mood swings, impulsive behavior and an unbelievable amount of eye rolling.
George Sr.: [cheers] I knew it. [Missy rolls her eyes]
Adult Sheldon: During this time of change, members of the opposite sex who caught my sister's fancy included: New Kids on the Block, Rufio from the movie Hook, and, oddly enough, our new Sunday school teacher, Pastor Rob.
Missy: Was Mary Magdalene Jesus's girlfriend?
Pastor Rob: No, just one of his followers. Yeah, Jesus didn't have a girlfriend.
Missy: Do you have a girlfriend?
Pastor Rob: No. No, I don't.
Billy Sparks: I don't have a girlfriend either.
Pastor Rob: All right. You and me, Billy, couple of bachelors.

Missy: So boyfriends and girlfriends are okay?
Pastor Rob: The way I see it, God is love, so if we love someone else in a committed relationship, we're feeling God.
Missy: So, holding hands is okay?
Pastor Rob: Sure.
Missy: What about kissing?
Pastor Rob: Maybe at some point, when you're older.
Missy: And what exactly is third base?

Pastor Rob: I'm thinking it might be a good idea if we gave the kids a talk about the facts of life.
Pastor Jeff: You mean like, S-E-X?
Peg: Who are you spelling that for?
Pastor Jeff: G-O-D.

Mary: You really think that's an appropriate topic for kids their age?
Pastor Jeff: Well, they seem to have a lot of questions about... S-E-X.
Peg: Sex, sex, sex. Get over it.
Mary: I just think that's a subject best left up to the parents.
Pastor Rob: Glad you feel that way, because it was your daughter who had the most questions.
Peg: [laughs]

Pastor Rob: I just think this is our chance to get in first before they learn it on TV.
Pastor Jeff: That is true. I flipped past MTV the other night, and a song was on called... [quietly] "I Wanna Sex You Up."
Mary: What does that even mean?
Pastor Jeff: I turned it off before the young man could clarify.
Peg: Well, if you ask me, I think it means he wants to...
Mary: No one asked you.

George Jr.: So what's my title here? Manager? Supervisor?
Meemaw: Your title is "grandson who can go home now."
George Jr.: What are you talking about? We're in this together.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, did you buy these machines?
George Jr.: No, but it was my idea how to get them up and running again.
Meemaw: And thank you. Now, go home before I tell your mother you want to work in a secret casino.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah? Maybe I should tell her you own a secret casino.
Meemaw: Is that the way you want to play this?
George Jr.: Yeah, it is.

Mary: Missy was asking about sex.
George Sr.: What? You don't think that she's...
Mary: No. But she's clearly interested in the topic.
George Sr.: That's it... she's grounded till she's 21.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: Well, maybe it's good this pastor wants to talk about it. I sure as hell don't.
Mary: [scoffs] You're unbelievable.
George Sr.: I had to do it with Georgie, and it was a disaster.
Mary: Well, here is a chance to do it right.
George Sr.: I have two words for you: not it.

Meemaw: Fine. You can be my assistant manager.
George Jr.: Oh, I like the sound of that.
Meemaw: So, it's a deal?
George Jr.: Well, hold on, how much you gonna pay me?
Meemaw: Did I mention that assistant manager comes with a spiffy nametag?
George Jr.: Does it also come with a spiffy paycheck?

George Jr.: How about this: no hourly wage, just a cut.
Meemaw: What kind of cut you thinking?
George Jr.: Five percent.
Meemaw: Three percent.
George Jr.: Five.
Meemaw: Three.
George Jr.: You're supposed to go in the middle and say four.
Meemaw: Why don't you say four?
George Jr.: Fine, four.
Meemaw: Two.
George Jr.: Come on.