Sheldon: I will not be denied my jelly. [lid pops] Yes! Watch out, peanut butter. You're next.

Pastor Jeff: Who would like to tell us how God touched their lives this week? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: He didn't, because He doesn't exist.
Pastor Jeff: Then why raise your hand?
Sheldon: Not just any hand. My left hand. Because I'm able to overcome any obstacle.
Pastor Jeff: And maybe God helped you do that.
Sheldon: Actually, it was Stephen Hawking, and he's better because he exists.
Pastor Jeff: Yes, 'cause God made him. Anybody else? [Billy raises his hand] Billy.
Billy Sparks: Is this gonna be on the test?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, boy.

Adult Sheldon: I took a moment to reflect on my journey of the last two weeks. Such emotional growth was worthy of a majestic bubble beard. Perhaps my sister was right. This was a time I'd want to remember.
Sheldon: Dad, will you sign my cast?
George Sr.: Sure.
Sheldon: And if you have any grammar questions, please ask first.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, I got my cast off. In a world where I valued symmetry,
I was relieved to see that both my arms were as pale and skinny as ever. But this Texan had unfinished business to tend to.
Missy: Want me to get you started?
Sheldon: No, I can do it.
Adult Sheldon: And I did do it. I rode my bike without training wheels like an adult. It would take more than a chicken or the threat of a fractured bone to scare me. It would take a brown beast named Scraps. [dog barks]
Sheldon: Aah! Mommy?!
Adult Sheldon: I rode my bike 11 miles that day.
Sheldon: Mommy!

Adult Sheldon: Children everywhere are excited by summer vacation, and I was no exception. Because instead of vacation Bible school with my sister, I was headed to the local library for a fun-filled week of postal delights otherwise known as stamp camp.
Sheldon: In 1989, they released dinosaur stamps.
Missy: No one cares.
Mary: Come on, now. He's excited. And that gets my stamp of approval.
Sheldon: I'm using that. It's going to kill at stamp camp.

Librarian: Oh, sorry. It was canceled.
Sheldon: What? Why?
Librarian: Not enough interest.
Sheldon: Not enough interest in stamps? It's the fastest-growing hobby in people 70 and over according to Reader's Digest.

Sheldon: Why did your mom make you?
Paige: Punishment. I got caught with cigarettes.
Sheldon: Why would you want to smoke?
Paige: To look older.
Sheldon: My meemaw smokes. I guess it works.

Paige: So, why are you here? Do you believe in this stuff now?
Sheldon: No. Stamp camp got canceled. Further proof there is no God.

Sheldon: Your mother lets you wear lipstick?
Paige: Of course not.
Sheldon: Interesting. Does she know you're leading a double life?
Paige: Grow up.
Sheldon: Why do you think you're rebelling against parental authority?
Paige: Isn't it obvious? I'm having a textbook reaction to their divorce.
Sheldon: What textbook? Did you get it from the library?

Pastor Jeff: Hello, Biblenauts! [chuckles] Gather round. Now, who's ready to find space for Jesus in our hearts? [silence] I can't hear you!
Sheldon: Perhaps that's because space is a vacuum where sound doesn't travel.
Paige: Nicely done.
Sheldon: You're not the only rebel around here.
Pastor Jeff: I thought he had stamp camp.

Paige: What do you think the prize is? We get to go home?
Sheldon: Is the joke that leaving would be a reward?
Paige: Yes.
Sheldon: I get that joke. [smirks]

Sheldon: I don't even care about church, and I can name them all.
Paige: So can I.
Sheldon: No, you can't.
Paige: Yes, I can. I can even do it in alphabetical order.
Sheldon: Well, I can name them in the order they appear in the Book of Matthew.
[Sheldon and Paige raises their hnads]
Pastor Jeff: Paige, yes.
Paige: Peter, Andrew, James, son of Zebedee, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, son of Alpheus, Thaddeus, Simon and Judas. And that's the order that they appear in the Book of Matthew.
Pastor Jeff: Fantastic! [chuckles] You just won yourself a psalm 100 bookmark.
Paige: [chuckles] Thank you. I love that psalm. [applause]
Adult Sheldon: You would think winning a Nobel Prize in Physics would make this moment meaningless to me, but all these years later, it still burns my butt.

Sheldon: Why would Paige get competitive over Bible trivia? She doesn't care about that.
Mary: Maybe she just wanted that bookmark.
Missy: Yeah. I wanted this "what would Jesus do?" slap bracelet. Ow.
Sheldon: I liked it better when she and I were making fun of everything.
Mary: You might have more fun if you participated, too.
Sheldon: Oh, I'll participate.
Mary: Great.
Sheldon: If Paige wants to go head-to-head on Bible trivia, she picked the wrong fact-filled atheist to mess with.
Mary: [quietly] Great.

Sheldon: Judah was the father of Perez and Zerah by Tamar, Perez was the father of Hezron, and Hezron was the father of Ram.
George Sr.: Why's he reading the Bible?
Sheldon: To humiliate and destroy Paige at Bible camp.
Mary: That.

Sheldon: Ask me what the fruits of the Spirit are.
Missy: I'm sure you know them.
Sheldon: Of course I do. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Missy: Then why do I have to ask?
Sheldon: So I can improve my hand-raising technique.
Missy: Fine. What are the fruits of the Spirit? [Sheldon raises his hand] Good. We done?
Sheldon: No, you have to call on me.
Missy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Now ask me to name three wicked women of the Bible.
Missy: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: If it's "Who are three wicked women in the Bible?," then go ahead.

Missy: Why don't you believe in God? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Because science explains the universe without the need of inventing a supernatural being.
Missy: But how do you know for sure He doesn't exist?
Sheldon: Ooh. [raises hand]
Missy: Stop that.
Sheldon: The burden of proof isn't on me. If I said there was an invisible monkey in the room with us, you shouldn't believe me just because you can't prove me wrong.

Sheldon: For your information, not only am I going to show you up today, I've also prepared some biblical trash talk.
Paige: What is he talking about?
Missy: He stayed up all night studying.
Paige: Why?
Sheldon: To beat you at Bible trivia. Just like the prophets of mercy beat the priestly cult and its emphasis on ritual purity.
Paige: Was that the trash talk?
Sheldon: [scoffs] Was Zacchaeus a tax collector? Was Nicodemus a Pharisee?
Missy: Just hit him.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, campers! Bible trivia time. For a Noah's Ark rain poncho, what was Peter's original name? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Peter's original name was Simon.
Pastor Jeff: Correct!
Sheldon: You didn't know that one, did you?
Paige: Yes, I did. He was also known as Cephas.
Sheldon: Then why didn't you raise your hand?
Paige: 'Cause I don't care.

Pastor Jeff: Next question. For a John the Baptist pencil topper, where did Jesus perform his first miracle? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: A wedding.
Pastor Jeff: [chuckles] Correct!
Sheldon: Aren't you even going to try?
Paige: Nope.
Sheldon: Why won't you compete with me?
Paige: Because it's fun watching you get upset.
Sheldon: What's fun about it?
Missy: [raises hand] Everything.

Sheldon: Paige, a sprig of my hair is askew. Upsetting, isn't it?
Paige: No.
Sheldon: But it's going a different direction from all the other hairs.
Paige: So?
Sheldon: You think it's fun irritating me? I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine. Ha.