Pastor Jeff: So, where you from?
Pastor Charlie: Originally Rhode Island.
Mary: And you're a Southern Baptist?
Pastor Charlie: I guess I'm more of a Northern Baptist, but we're all just Baptists, right? [chuckles]
Peg: I'll show him out.

Mary: So, how do you relate to young people?
Pastor Steve: Bad. Which is what kids these days say when they mean "good." It's a Michael Jackson song. [chuckles softly]
Peg: Here's another Michael Jackson song: Beat it.
Pastor Jeff: Peg.
Peg: Sorry.
Pastor Jeff: But she's right. Thank you for coming.

Mary: Excuse me? Pastor Rob. [exhales] I'm sorry if I came off a little strong back there.
Pastor Rob: Oh. Hey, you're just trying to do what's best for the kids. I respect that.
Mary: Thank you. And I just want you to know that I am very well-connected with the parents, so if I can be of any help there, please let me know.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, you know, actually, I try not to get too close to the parents. I-I just think it's important for the kids to feel like I'm on their side.
Mary: Okay.
Pastor Rob: Ooh, maybe we could do a, uh, "good cop, bad cop" sort of thing.
Mary: [chuckles] Why am I the bad cop?
Pastor Rob: Oh, I don't have all the answers. Maybe you should ask God. Really looking forward to working with you.

Nick: Hey, Connie. Usual?
Meemaw: Yeah. [chuckles] I spend a lot of money here, right?
Nick: [chuckles] You sure do.
Meemaw: So if my son-in-law was in here doing something stupid, I should know, right?
Nick: I guess.
Meemaw: Before he went to the hospital, was he in here doing something stupid?
Nick: Just hanging out. Why?
Meemaw: No reason. Just watching too many soap operas, I guess. [both chuckle] Let's just keep this between us, okay?
Nick: Sure thing.

George Sr.: Why the hell are you asking questions about me at the bar?
Meemaw: I don't know what you're talking about.
George Sr.: Nick told me everything.
Meemaw: Well, clearly, I was lying.

George Sr.: You want to accuse me of something, say it to my face.
Meemaw: All right, fine. You have a fight with your wife, you end up in a bar with Brenda Sparks, and now you're both acting weird about it.
George Sr.: There's no story. We're two people who went to the same bar. That's it.
Meemaw: That better be it.
George Sr.: Connie, I get it. You're protecting your daughter, but hear me when I say nothing happened.
Meemaw: Okay.
George Sr.: And I don't appreciate you snooping around behind my back.
Meemaw: You're absolutely right. I was wrong to do that. I'm very sorry. Little ticked at Nick for blabbing about it, but... I'm-I'm sorry.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Meemaw: We good?
George Sr.: We're good. [walks off]
Meemaw: "We're good" my ass.

Pastor Rob: Well, hey, y'all. I'm Pastor Rob. I'm, uh, guessing everyone knows what this is.
Missy: [raises hand] The Bible.
Pastor Rob: That's right. That's right. What else is it?
Billy Sparks: [raises hand] The word of God.
Pastor Rob: Excellent. Excellent. You know what else it is? [drops the Bible on the floor] It's just a book.
Sheldon: [whispers] I like him.
Pastor Rob: It's a good book. Got lot of great stories. Instructions on how to live life. But... [picks up the Bible] God is more than just a book. God is real. God is everywhere. And God loves you.
Sheldon: [whispers] He's losing me.

Brenda Sparks: It ain't pretty, but it's private. So, what's up?
George Sr.: Now, don't freak out, but Connie was at the bar asking questions.
Brenda Sparks: What the hell?
George Sr.: It's fine. I handled it. [Brenda sighs] We're all good.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I hope so.
George Sr.: We are. But I think we probably shouldn't go to the bar at the same time for a while.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. You stay home. I'll go.
George Sr.: Why me? That's where I hang out.
Brenda Sparks: I'm single. Who am I gonna meet sitting at home?
George Sr.: I don't know. Mailman? Plumber? I've seen a movie where the pizza delivery boy does pretty well for himself. [both chuckle]

Pastor Rob: Yeah, I bounced around from job to job after college. Never really had a plan for what was next until one day, I felt the Lord call me to his service. [Missy raises her hand] Yes, Missy Cooper. Right?
Missy: How'd you know?
Pastor Rob: Let's see, Mary's your mother, Sheldon's your brother, and I hear you are one heck of a pitcher. I do my homework, y'all.
Sheldon: [whispers] Homework. He's winning me back.

Billy Sparks: What do you know about me?
Pastor Rob: Hmm. Billy Sparks. Sixth grade. Also plays baseball, but maybe not as good as her.
Billy Sparks: Whoa.

George Sr.: When you were married, would you have said that Herschel was your best friend?
Brenda Sparks: [scoffs] What married person would say that?
George Sr.: My buddy Wayne.
Brenda Sparks: Does this buddy of yours have kids?
George Sr.: No.
Brenda Sparks: Then what the hell does he know?
George Sr.: He's a very happy guy. It's exhausting. Ooh, I should get going.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. You want to take a chicken for the smoker?
George Sr.: Do I look like a vegetarian?

Dale: You're early.
George Jr.: I was sitting in algebra and realized, don't know what "X" is, don't care what "X" is.
Dale: Boy, I hear "ex" and I think of a woman who took half my stuff. That's my problem.

George Jr.: You wanted to see me?
Principal Petersen: Actually, I wanted to see you yesterday, but you weren't in school.
George Jr.: You noticed that, huh?
Principal Petersen: I've noticed it a lot lately. Level with me, son. Is it drinking? Drugs?
George Jr.: Actually, it's work.
Principal Petersen: Oh. I don't think I have a pamphlet for that. You sure you didn't get a girl in trouble? [holds up pamphlet] You will at some point, just take it.

Missy: You look nice. Oh, no, are we going to church?
Mary: No, your father and I have a date night.
Missy: Why? Don't you have enough kids?
Mary: That is not what date night means.

Mary: You are finishing high school, end of discussion.
George Jr.: It's my life.
George Sr.: It's my house. If you're don't go to school, you can't live here.
Mary: Hold on, we are not kicking him out.
George Sr.: The hell we're not!
George Jr.: I'll pack right now.
Mary: Stop, you don't have to go.
George Sr.: Yes, he does. My house, my rules.
Mary: It is my house, too.
George Sr.: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, really.

Mary: Is Dale here?
Meemaw: Yeah, what's up?
Mary: I would like to have a word with him.
Meemaw: Better him than me. Have at it. [Mary enters] Dale, Mary coming in hot!

Mary: Did you tell Georgie to drop out of school?
Dale: What? No.
Mary: Well, he did, and you had something to do with it.
Dale: Well, no, he was just complaining about school and I told him I dropped out.
Mary: Dale, you know that he looks up to you.
Dale: He does, doesn't he?
Mary: Which is why you need to tell him that he is making a big mistake.
Dale: Oh, I don't think I can do that.
Mary: Why not?
Dale: Well, I don't believe he is.
Mary: How could you say that?
Dale: I did it, worked out fine.

George Sr.: She really took his side?
Mary: I don't want to talk about that.
Meemaw: I thought you two had date night.
Mary: I don't want to talk about that, either.
Sheldon: Why isn't Georgie eating with us?
George Sr.: Let's talk about anything else.

Missy: If Georgie's kicked out, can I have his room?
Mary: We are not kicking Georgie out.
George Sr.: You want to start this up again? Or can we just be mad at your mom and Dale?
Sheldon: And Georgie.
George Sr.: Thank you. And Georgie.
Mary: Let's just eat.

Jana: So I'm datin' a dropout?
George Jr.: No, you're datin' a guy with a full-time job.
Jana: And your parents are okay with this?
George Jr.: They'll come around. By the way, can I crash at your place?
Jana: No! My father already doesn't think you're good enough for me. And I don't want him to know he's right.
George Jr.: He's not right!
Jana: He might be a little right.