Sheldon: I can't believe you stole.
Paige: You walked out with it. You stole.
Sheldon: Why would I steal glitter? I already have a sparkling personality.
Paige: Tell it to the cops.
Sheldon: Or your cellmate.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Why do you ask?
Sheldon: Do you remember Paige?
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course, brilliant little girl.
Sheldon: I know, but she says that she doesn't want to be smart anymore.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, perhaps she's experiencing some sort of identity crisis. Is it possible her ex is dating someone who seems better for her in every imaginable way?
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: So am I.

Paige: Yeah?
Sheldon: I'm listening.
Paige: To what?
Sheldon: To you.
Paige: I'm not saying anything.
Sheldon: Well, if you wanted to say anything, I'd be listening.
Paige: But I don't want to say anything.
Sheldon: And I don't want to be listening, but here we are. Are you feeling better yet?

Dale: Everybody, dig in.
Sheldon: Fun fact: did you know that pizza is only one of many Mediterranean flatbreads?
Dale: You talking to me?
Mary: Shelly, this is Mr. Ballard's first time eating with us. Let's make sure it's not his last.

Sheldon: Does a family meal mark an escalation in your romantic relationship?
Dale: That's a good question. Does it?
Meemaw: You know what? Why don't you go sit at the kid table with your sister?
Sheldon: Where do I begin? They're loud, they're sweaty from sports...
Meemaw: Get.

Mary: So, how are you enjoying your first meal with our family?
Dale: Well, everybody's mean. I love it.

Missy: Why can't I go fishing?
Mary: It's a boys' weekend.
Missy: Then why isn't Sheldon going?
Meemaw: Do you hear yourself?
Sheldon: Do you?

George Jr.: Suddenly, camping with Dr. Sturgis doesn't seem so bad.
Meemaw: Uh, excuse me camping with who?
George Sr.: Whoa. Dale didn't mention it?
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: I'm guessing John didn't mention it.
Meemaw: No.
George Sr.: Hmm.
Meemaw: And when were you gonna mention it?
George Sr.: Oh, I was never gonna mention it.

George Sr.: This sure is a sweet setup.
Dale: Well, now, thank you very much.
George Jr.: This thing is nicer than our house.
George Sr.: It's not nicer than our house.
Dale: Well, don't be too sure now. I got microwave and air-conditioning. I got a stack of old Playboys back there in the bathroom.
George Sr.: Okay, maybe.

Sheldon: Missy, how would you feel if there were somewhere just like Chuck E. Cheese, but instead of pizza and ball pits, there was locomotives and placards explaining their history?
Missy: That's just the museum.
Sheldon: I didn't think she'd see through that.

Dale: So, Johnny, that's quite the outfit you got on there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks.
Dale: I just got one question. Where do the merit badges go?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because I look like a Boy Scout?
Dale: Yeah, that's kind of the joke there.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I accept your jocular insult as a token of bonding.
Dale: Well, if you like that one, how about this? Uh, I haven't seen legs that white since-
George Sr.: Hey. Why don't we talk about something else?
Dr. John Sturgis: George, it's all right. You don't need to protect me. I can take it, and I can dish it right back.
Dale: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on, babe.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. It would help if I knew a little more about you. Were you, by chance, a bed wetter?

Meemaw: I know it's been a while, but I really have to talk to you. I understand you might not want to hear about my dating life, but if you hadn't died, I wouldn't be in this situation. So this is on you.

George Sr.: Damn, John. Three already? What are you using for bait?
Dr. John Sturgis: I made it myself. It's, uh, cheese, garlic and a little bit of pig brains.
Dale: Pig brains? Where the hell you get pig brains?
Dr. John Sturgis: From the butcher. But you get some odd looks when you ask for it.

Dr. John Sturgis: Dale?
Dale: No, I think I know how to fish, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? 'Cause it doesn't look like it.
Dale: Well, maybe that's because all your talking is scaring the fish away.
Dr. John Sturgis: Evidence suggests your theory is incorrect.
Dale: Well, evidence suggests I need another beer.

Mary: Oh, that's nice. You decided to stay home and play a game?
Missy: Nope. We're inventing a new game, and the winner gets to pick what we do today.
Sheldon: We had to find a way to make sure that it's completely fair to both of us.
Missy: So we made a list of 20 challenges that combine stuff we're both good at. Whoever wins each challenge gets to take a block and put it on top of their tower.
Sheldon: Whoever's tower reaches the height of this rocket first wins.
Mary: Okay, I will leave you to it.

Meemaw: So, Dale is fun. Kind of a good old boy. Reminds me a bit of you. He gets on my nerves. So he kind of reminds me of you. And John's not anything like you. He's not anything like anyone. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about him.

Dr. John Sturgis: Fun fact: in Finland, they make a fire that's two long logs sitting on top of each other with a wedge of wood in between to let the air flow through.
Dale: Aw. That's your idea of fun, is it?

George Jr.: Mind if I grab a beer?
Dale: I'm not your father.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hold on. This young man's underage.
Dale: So?
Dr. John Sturgis: So the laws of Texas are pretty clear on the subject.
Dale: Oh, what a surprise. There's one more thing you know more about than everybody else.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know why you're surprised.
Dale: I don't know why you're here.
George Jr.: I'm just gonna stick with Dr Pepper.

Dr. John Sturgis: I'm here because my friend George invited me.
Dale: Uh-huh. Well, your friend George invited you because he felt sorry for you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You know, Connie warned me you might behave like this, and she-she was right.
Dale: I don't know why the hell she ever went out with you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, she did, and we got along famously.
Dale: Until you broke up with her after you got out of...
Dr. John Sturgis: Out of what? Say it!
Dale: Never mind.
George Sr.: Damn. Piddled on my shoe. What'd I miss?

Meemaw: So enough about me. How about you? You got your wings yet, or is that just in the movies?
Kenneth: It's a Wonderful Life. That's one of my favorites.
Meemaw: Ah, sorry. I didn't see you. I'll keep it down.
Kenneth: No, it's all right. I, uh talk to my wife all the time. I'm Kenneth. This is Vanessa.
Meemaw: Connie. This is Charlie. I'd introduce them, but they're neighbors. They probably know each other.
Kenneth: Well, if he complains about someone snoring, I'm sure it's her.
Meemaw: I didn't bury him with his hearing aid, so he's fine.