Popular Quotes

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Pastor Jeff: Thanks again. Robin is gonna be thrilled with this.
George Sr.: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Mary. She's the one who said I had to do it.
Pastor Jeff: Just out of curiosity, did she also mention helping me build the crib at some point?
George Sr.: No.
Pastor Jeff: Well, act surprised when she does.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Mary: Did you know Dr. Sturgis was taking a new job?
Meemaw: What job?
Mary: He went to work on some supercollider in Waxahachie.
Meemaw: What do you mean "went"?
Mary: He's already there.
Meemaw: When did you hear this?
Mary: He just called. I was counting on him to be there for Sheldon.
Meemaw: Well, you'd think he would've mentioned it to me.
Mary: Sheldon says it's okay with him, but I would certainly feel a lot better if there were adults there that I trusted.
Meemaw: Nothing on the answering machine.
Mary: He's just a little boy, and he's gonna be on that big campus all by himself.
Meemaw: I mean, I know we're not dating anymore, but I thought we were still friends.
Mary: Excuse me. I think you're focusing on the wrong part of the story here.
Meemaw: He's little, you're worried. Please continue.
Mary: That sums it up.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Mary: My son, the college freshman. I can't believe it.
Sheldon: How can you not believe it? You had to sign my vaccination form.
Mary: Right. So, what do you want to do first? I was thinking we could start at the bookstore, try and beat the lines.
Sheldon: I agree about the lines, but what do you mean "we"?
Mary: I mean you and me.
Sheldon: This is my first day. I can't be seen walking around campus with my mommy.
Mary: Well, it's only orientation.
Sheldon: Yes, and I'm quite capable of handling everything that I need to get done today on my own.
Mary: I'm sure you are. I just figured, with Dr. Sturgis not around, it might be nice if I could be.
Sheldon: No one else's mother is going to be.
Mary: You don't know that.
Sheldon: Well, I know mine isn't.
Mary: [sighs] You might want to watch the attitude to the person who's driving you there.
Sheldon: Not all the way there. Drop me off a block away so no one sees us together.
Mary: Sorry, I am not leaving you alone your first day.
Sheldon: Yes, you are.
Mary: For someone going into college, you are acting very childish.
Sheldon: Maybe it just appears that way because you see me with my mommy.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Sheldon: Can you show me where the used physics textbooks are?
Jason: Follow me.
Sheldon: Normally I would prefer a fresh new textbook, but my father is a high school football coach. Which is another way of saying we're poor.
Jason: Here you go.
Sheldon: [opens book] Who owned this, a werewolf?

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Woman: [on radio] Let's talk about the weather. It's going to be a beautiful sunny day today with temps reaching a high of 97.
Meemaw: Gross.
Woman: [on radio] In other news, President Bush will be traveling to Waxahachie later this month to visit the site of a new supercollider. Scientists are hopeful this will lead to exciting discoveries in the world of part... [Meemaw turns radio off]

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Sheldon: Not so bad. [turns page] I would have highlighted that. [turns page] And someone drew genitals.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Sheldon: [sighs] If you highlight everything, you highlight nothing. [checks watch] Uh-oh. [to Jason] Young man, don't move these books. I have a system.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Mary: How's it look?
Sam: Cute.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Mary: I ran into Sam.
Sheldon: Yes, you're a person I know.
Mary: Hey, aren't you supposed to be getting your I.D. photo?
Sheldon: I got a little waylaid.
Mary: Can I help?
Sheldon: No, everything is perfectly under control. And take off that sweatshirt. You don't go to school here!
Sam: [to Mary] See? Worth every penny.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Sheldon: [to himself] Stay calm. You can make it. [Sheldon crashes into another student] Aah! Honestly, who drinks a Slurpee at 11:00a.m?

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Sheldon: I made it! I'm here! [panting]
Janet: Fill this out and sign the... Um, there's a bee on you.
Sheldon: What?

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Missy: What do you think?
Meemaw: I think you're gonna be a little heartbreaker.
Missy: I don't want to break anyone's heart. I just want to look hot.
Meemaw: Well, that you do.
Missy: Thank you.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Meemaw: And there's nothing wrong with breaking some hearts. If you don't do it to them, they're gonna do it to you.
Missy: Why would they do that?
Meemaw: Because sometimes men do things without thinking how it's gonna make you feel.
Missy: Marcus wouldn't do that. We're friends.
Meemaw: That don't mean nothing. You think somebody's your friend, then they just up and leave without a word.
Missy: But Marcus told me.
Meemaw: [mocking] But Marcus told me.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Adult Sheldon: With only seven minutes until my freshman orientation seminar, I was in a sticky spot. Thankfully, I was armed with an even stickier solution.

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

Clarissa: You have kids?
Mary: Three.
Clarissa: You look amazing!
Mary: Oh...
Sam: Two of 'em are twins.
Mary: I don't want to brag, but natural birth.
Jason: Whoa.
Mary: I love college. [laughs]

Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper

George Sr.: How you doing back there?
Pastor Jeff: I've never felt so alive! Praise the Lord! Let's go to Mexico!

Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You

Mary: [on the phone] Dr. Linkletter, what can I do for you?
Dr. Linkletter: Hello, Mrs. Cooper. I just wanted to let you know, with Dr. Sturgis away, I'll be available should Sheldon need anything.
Mary: Oh, that is very comforting to know. Thank you so much.
Dr. Linkletter: His well-being is important to me, as was made abundantly clear by my boss.
Mary: Okay, well, we are truly grateful.
Dr. Linkletter: Now, I'm not terribly experienced around children. If he needs to use the restroom, I don't have to go in with him, do I?

Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You

Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And with school starting tomorrow, please watch over our children.
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff already covered this.
Mary: He did?
Missy: Yeah, we're good. Amen.
All: Amen.
Mary: Amen.

Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You

Mary: Sheldon, good news. Dr. Linkletter was calling to say that while you're at school, if you need anything, you can go to him.
Missy: Starting college and you need a babysitter. That's funny.
Sheldon: I don't need a babysitter.
Mary: Dr. Linkletter is just around in case there's a problem.
George Jr.: Like if he needs a new diaper?
Missy: Ha!
George Sr.: Enough.
Mary: Can we please have a nice dinner?
Missy: We could. But you're the one who wants to eat as a family.
George Sr.: [to Mary] Don't pray for any of 'em.

Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You

Mary: I figure you don't want me to walk you in?
Missy: I've trained you well.
Mary: Do you have everything you need? Lunch money?
Missy: Yep.
Mary: Locker combination?
Missy: [pulls down sock] Right here.
Mary: Why is it there?
Missy: Writing on my hand is so fifth grade.
Mary: Of course.
Missy: Okay, I'm gonna go in.
Mary: I assume you don't want a hug?
Missy: Make it quick. [they hug] That's enough.
Mary: Okay.
Missy: Wish me luck.
Mary: Good luck.

Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You

Adult Sheldon: I've always considered myself a collector of knowledge. My mind is like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But instead of artifacts, it's just facts. [laughs] And now that I was a full-time college student, my collection was about to grow exponentially.
Professor Ericson: Welcome to the world of philosophy. Most college courses are about teaching you things that you don't know. Here, I am going to teach you that you don't even know what you think you know.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.