Mary: Oh, you can't skimp on the cake. It's the focal point of the entire wedding.
Pastor Jeff: How about this? We get a bunch of Ding Dongs, stack them in the shape of a heart. Everybody's happy.
Mary: You do not want your wife to look back at her wedding pictures and see a pile of Ding Dongs.
Pastor Jeff: I'm not sure she's gonna care.
Mary: She gonna care! [exhales] But there are more affordable cakes here that we can look at.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Mary: Maybe they have some stale ones in the back that you can disappoint your bride with.

Meemaw: I'll take the chicken problems. Girl in bedroom? [singsong] All yours.

Caroline: Would you like to try it on?
Mary: Oh, no. I'm not here for me. Just helping a friend.
Caroline: Oh, too bad. That dress would be stunning on you.
Mary: Oh, I would look like a princess.

Meemaw: George. Why are you not in that bedroom?
George Sr.: Well, I'm just thinking of what to say.
Meemaw: They're teenagers. If you wait any longer, they'll be done.
George Sr.: I'm just gonna grab a beer.
Meemaw: George!

George Jr.: What?
George Sr.: Door stays open.
George Jr.: Why? We're just listening to music.
George Sr.: My house, my rules. And don't sit on the bed.
George Jr.: Where are we supposed to sit?
George Sr.: Just not on the bed.
George Jr.: Whatever. [to Jana] He's just mad 'cause we're young and he's not.

George Sr.: Hey, for your information, Mary is very happy.
[cut to:]
Mary: [crying] Robin's gonna look so beautiful in this. Your wedding's gonna be perfect.
Pastor Jeff: Great. Thank you.
Mary: She won't have to go down to city hall wearing the only thing that still fits 'cause she's trying to hide the fact that she's pregnant.
Pastor Jeff: Uh-huh.
Mary: [inhales loudly] She's gonna get the wedding of her dreams. [sobbing]
Pastor Jeff: [to the sales woman] If she cries on the dress, do I have to buy it?

George Sr.: You know it takes two people to get pregnant, right?
Meemaw: I know that. Does Georgie?
George Sr.: Probably. We got cable now.

Mary: I'm sorry. I'll stop.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, even though I'm looking fly, I'm still your pastor.
Mary: Well it's more than the wedding. Overnight, I became a wife and a mother. I feel like I missed out on a lot.
Pastor Jeff: Well, sometimes the Lord has his own plans for us. And if it helps, Robin and I always talk about how much we admire you and your family.
Mary: Really?
Pastor Jeff: Your marriage may have gotten off to a rough start, but if that's what it took to get where you are, maybe God knew what he was doing.
Mary: [sighs] You know what? Let's get back to planning your wedding.
Pastor Jeff: Oh, no. You're done. You may be a great wife and mother, but you stink at this.
Mary: That's fair.

George Sr.: Do I have to?
Meemaw: You want to add grandkids to this mess?
George Sr.: God, no.

Adult Sheldon: Pastor Jeff and Officer Robin finally had their ceremony, which was nice for them, but meant I had to go to church on a Saturday and watch old people kiss.

George Sr.: No more coffee?
Meemaw: Last cup.
George Sr.: Well, you mind making more?
Meemaw: I just sat down.
George Sr.: But you finished the pot.
Meemaw: George, if I wanted to make a cup of coffee, I'd have stayed at my house. Mmm.
George Sr.: One day I'm gonna put you in a home, and I'm gonna smile just like that.
Meemaw: That's fine. By then I won't know who you are anyway.

Mary: Guess who is getting a divorce.
Meemaw: About time. Congrats.

Mary: So, good news. Paige is gonna spend the weekend with us.
Adult Sheldon: My history with Paige brought up complicated feelings. She challenged me. She disturbed me. She enraged me. Things were simpler for my simple-minded sister.
Missy: Yay!

Mary: Shelly, I got you something.
Sheldon: The Professor Proton Science Kit! Wait a minute. Last time you gave me a present for no reason, I had to get a booster shot.
Mary: Nothing like that. I was just thinking, it might be a fun thing for you to share with Paige.
Sheldon: Sharing. Sometimes I feel like you don't know me.
Mary: Paige is having a rough time at home right now, and I think she could really use a friend.
Sheldon: A crocodile could really use a meal, but that doesn't mean I should leap into his mouth.
Adult Sheldon: This was the woman who cut the crusts off my sandwiches. She had me.
Sheldon: Into the mouth I go.

George Sr.: Why haven't you mowed the lawn?
George Jr.: I been busy.
George Sr.: Well, you're not busy now.
George Jr.: I'm working out. Got the word "work" right there in it.

George Sr.: Get out there and mow.
George Jr.: Why? I'm making good money. I don't need an allowance, so I don't need to do chores.
George Sr.: It's not about that. You're part of this family, you still need to help out.
George Jr.: So I'm just here to do your bidding?
George Sr.: Well, and people say Sheldon's a genius.

Linda: I mean, I'm thrilled that he's gone, but I do worry about how it's affecting Paige.
Mary: Of course.
Linda: You and George have such a beautiful family. I think it's good for her to be around that right now.
George Sr.: [enters] Oh. Hey. Nice to see you. Sorry about the divorce. I got to go yell at my idiot son. [shouting] Georgie! Where are you?

George Sr.: What the hell's wrong with you? You think it's okay for Billy Sparks to do your work?
George Jr.: I paid him. I tried to give him two dollars, but he only wanted one.
George Sr.: Damn it, Georgie, I'm trying to teach you responsibility. You can't just buy your way out of everything in life.
George Jr.: You sure? 'Cause I'll give you ten bucks to leave me alone right now.

George Sr.: I can't imagine talking to my dad the way this kid talks to me. I'd have had a belt on my backside so fast...
Coach Wilkins: My dad was a hugger.
George Sr.: I had to tell him three times to mow the lawn, and he still gave me attitude.
Coach Wilkins: He's going to school, holding down a job. If he was my kid, I'd be proud of him.
George Sr.: I am proud of him. When he's not being a total pain in my ass.

George Sr.: Anyway, what I wanted to say is, even though I'm not loving your attitude lately, I think it's great you got this job and y-you're doing so well at it. I'm proud of you.
George Jr.: All right.
George Sr.: That's all you have to say?
George Jr.: Well, maybe if I wasn't sweating my balls off, I could think of something else.
George Sr.: Just stick your head out the window.