Mary: Okay. Shelly, can you turn the TV off for a second?
Sheldon: But after this commercial break, Professor Proton is going to use a candle to suck a hard-boiled egg into a milk bottle.

George Sr.: We'll make it quick. Go ahead.
Mary: Your father has something to tell you.
George Sr.: Your mother wants you to swim.
Mary: George!
Sheldon: Mom!

Sheldon: Ugh!
Pool: Why don't you like me?
Sheldon: You're full of bacteria.
Pool: So are you, but you don't hear me saying, "Ugh." It's rude. Look, I may just be pool water, but I still have feelings.
Sheldon: Sorry, water.
Pool: Come on. My pH level is 7.4, and with three parts per million of chlorine, I'm cleaner than your daddy's plate after Thanksgiving dinner.
Sheldon: Wow. That's pretty clean.
Pool: Look how clear I am, Sheldon. You can see all the way to the bottom. Closer. A little closer. A little closer. Gotcha!
[Sheldon wakes up in bed:]
Sheldon: Pool monster!

George Sr.: Doesn't this all seem a little convenient?
Mary: You think he's faking it?
George Sr.: Today's the swim test. It's pretty suspicious.
Missy: Sheldon just coughed up something gross in a tissue.
Mary: See? And that's why he's staying home.
George Sr.: Mary, come on.
Mary: No, I am not changing my mind. My little boy is not a liar.

Meemaw: Hmm. "I overstepped the bounds of friendship. Sorry. John." [answering phone] Hello?
Dale: So, why in the hell would your ex-boyfriend send me a giant cookie?

Coach Wilkins: Really? Cooper's out sick? What a baby.
Mr. Givens: Really? Cooper's out sick? Oh, baby!
Ms. Ingram: Hallelujah!
Ms. MacElroy: Happy birthday to me.

Adult Sheldon: I had lied to my mother and gotten away with it. The guilt was more than I could take. I had to make this right. I could confess and break my mother's heart, or I could turn my lie into the truth and actually get myself sick.

Billy Sparks: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Billy. I hear you're not feeling well.
Billy Sparks: I'm not. I have a cold.
Sheldon: That's too bad. Put her there.
Billy Sparks: Why?
Sheldon: Just shake my hand, Billy.
Billy Sparks: But my mom says that's how germs get spread.
Sheldon: I know.
Billy Sparks: You do? When did you talk to my mom?
Sheldon: Just, eh- [Sheldon grabs Billy's hand and rubs it over his face] Ugh!
Billy Sparks: Wait, want to play? Aw.

George Sr.: Ooh, is that for your patient?
Mary: Yes. He's still under the weather.
George Sr.: Oh, that's too bad. Running a fever?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Sniffly nose?
Mary: No. But he couldn't even bring himself to watch his Star Trek show.
George Sr.: Oh, dear. I better go call an ambulance.
Mary: You're not funny.
George Sr.: And he ain't sick.

Dale: Well, I mean, how'd you meet this guy? What, did you try to steal his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Meemaw: Okay, okay, he's a very sweet man.
Dale: Well, I bet he is.
Meemaw: If you must know, he's Sheldon's college professor.
Dale: Smart, short and weird well, that's the whole package right there.
Meemaw: Hey, okay, that's enough.
Dale: Well, I got to ask. Do you feel like you're dating a supermodel right now?

Batman: Young man. Yes, you. Pretending to be sick. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Sheldon: But I was afraid to go in the pool.
Batman: You are in a pool. A pool of your own deceit. If my mother were alive, I'd never lie to her. And I'd always eat her soup.

Dale: My grandson's trying to steal home, and he trips and he falls and lands face-first on the plate, lost a tooth, we won the game. Get this. He finds the tooth two days later when he goes to the bathroom. [Meemaw is silent] That's it? You don't understand. He found the tooth-
Meemaw: I got it.

Dale: What's going on? You okay?
Meemaw: Actually, no. I don't like the way you've been talkin' about John.
Dale: I was kidding around.
Meemaw: Well, it bothered me.
Dale: Wait a minute, hold it, hold, hold, hold. Your weirdo ex comes sneaking around, checking me out, and all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy here?
Meemaw: You don't get to call him a weirdo.
Dale: You don't think he's a weirdo?
Meemaw: Of course he's a weirdo. You just can't say it.

Dale: Oh, I didn't think it was that big a deal.
Meemaw: Well, it is. He and I are friends, and if you don't stop makin' fun of him, you and I are gonna have a problem.
Dale: Are you saying that I'm being naughty, and you're threatening to punish me? 'Cause I might like that. Uh-huh. See, you're tryin' to be mad at me and you can't.
Meemaw: Now you are getting punished.
Dale: Check, please!

Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: Oh, baby. What are you doing out of bed?
Sheldon: I don't need to be in bed. I'm not sick.
Mary: What?
Sheldon: I lied to you so that I wouldn't have to take the swim test.
Mary: You lied?
Sheldon: I feel terrible about it.
Mary: Well, you should feel terrible. I trusted you.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's just that I was so afraid to get in that pool, so I let Georgie and Missy teach me how to fake it. They said it was easy, but it's wasn't. It really wasn't.
Mary: Georgie and Missy taught you how to do this?
Sheldon: I cannot tell a lie they sure did!

Pastor Jeff: The Bible says a lot about love. "Love thy neighbor." "For God so loved the world." In First Corinthians, it says, "Love is patient, love is kind." But what does it mean to truly love someone? You see, Jesus showed us...
Mary: [quietly]You see that?
Meemaw: [quietly] No. But keep talking.
Mary: Why?
Meemaw: 'Cause I'm trying to unwrap a candy, and I don't want anybody to hear.
Missy: [quietly] How come she gets candy? I want candy.
Sheldon: [quietly] How come you're not shushing them?
Mary: Shh! Shh.

Mary: See? He's talking about Robin.
Meemaw: Who is Robin?
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff's girlfriend.
Missy: Mom set them up, and now she thinks she's cool.
Mary: Shh. But I did set them up.
Meemaw: Cool.

Pastor Jeff: Hello, Coopers. Nice to see you, as always.
Mary: Lovely sermon today.
Sheldon: I wouldn't know. I couldn't hear over all the candy wrappers and gossip.
Meemaw: That's enough. Move along.

Mary: George, you will not believe what I get to do.
George Sr.: What's that?
Mary: Plan Pastor Jeff's wedding.
George Sr.: Oh, isn't that nice.
Mary: Oh, it's gonna be a lot of work. They want this done by next weekend.
George Sr.: What, he knock her up? [chuckles] Been there.
Mary: No. He is a man of God. He cannot have a physical relationship outside holy matrimony.
George Sr.: Oh, so that's the rush. [chuckles]
Mary: Well, yes, but they also seem very much in love.
George Sr.: Love is great.

Mary: Well, um, we have a lot to discuss. Reception, flowers, cake...
Pastor Jeff: Like I said, we're just looking for something simple.
Mary: Got it. Nothing fancy. Just elegant.
Pastor Jeff: Right, but a plain, bare-bones elegance.
Mary: How many guests were you thinking?
Pastor Jeff: It doesn't have to be big. I've been married before.
Mary: But Robin hasn't. And you're our pastor. Your congregation is gonna want to share in your special day.
Pastor Jeff: Those bones are sounding less bare.
Mary: Sorry. Your small, elegant, bare-bones, unforgettable, simple, special day. Now, let's talk centerpieces.