Mary: [answers phone] Hello.
President Hagemeyer: Hi. This is Linda Hagemeyer from the university. Is this Mrs. Cooper?
Mary: Yes, it is.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. Did the Strawberry Quik arrive?
Mary: As a matter of fact, it did.
President Hagemeyer: Sounds like nasty stuff, but, hey, whatever floats the little guy's boat, right?

Missy: And then they crashed into a tree.
Darlene: Oh, no!
Missy: The engine caught fire.
Darlene: My goodness, is everyone okay?
Missy: Thankfully, yes. But I was pretty shook up.
Darlene: Well, don't worry about that test today.
Missy: Thank you for understanding.
Darlene: Mm-hmm.
Missy: Oh, and where are we on homework tonight?
Darlene: Don't push it.
Missy: Right.

Meemaw: What do you think about letting me borrow your truck today?
Dale: I don't know.
Meemaw: Why not?
Dale: 'Cause I like my truck.
Meemaw: Not funny.
Dale: It is. You're just cranky.
Meemaw: Fine. Maybe I'll just ride my bicycle to the salon.
Dale: You ride a bike?
Meemaw: Is that amusing to you?
Dale: An old lady riding a bike? Oh, no. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Shut up.
Dale: Okay, will do.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Cooper residence.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, President Hagemeyer again. Just calling to make sure it all worked out with Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Yes, everything went quite well. Although he was a tad irritable.
President Hagemeyer: Maybe because I ripped him a new one. [chuckles]
Sheldon: A new what?
President Hagemeyer: Not important. Uh, whatever you need for classes, you just say the word.
Sheldon: I suppose it could be helpful if I could dial into the university's server while still on the phone with my professors.
President Hagemeyer: Like a second phone line? We can take care of that.
Sheldon: Well, as my meemaw would say, "Aren't you just a spoonful of sugar?"
[meanwhile:]
Mary: [busy tone droning] Who is he talking to all this time?
[back:]
President Hagemeyer: And if there's anything else you need, you just let me know.
Sheldon: I can't think of anything except that I wanted Strawberry Quik and my brother put the empty milk carton back in the fridge.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, brothers, they're the worst. Mine's an environmental activist. [Sheldon groans]

Missy: I can't believe you and Meemaw almost died tonight.
Sheldon: I wouldn't say we almost died.
Missy: Well, that's what I'm saying at school tomorrow.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: It's called good storytelling.
Sheldon: But it's lying.
Missy: They don't know that.
Sheldon: You weren't even in the car.
Missy: Doesn't matter. Shay McElheney's dad had a kidney stone... she got out of homework for a week.
Sheldon: I can't believe you'd use my traumatic experience to manipulate people.
Missy: Really? I can. Hey, did the engine catch fire?
Sheldon: No!
Missy: You're in shock. You don't know what happened.

Mary: What's going on?
Sheldon: I can't do it.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: What if there's another crash?
Mary: Baby, that's not gonna happen again.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Mary: Sheldon, if you don't get in right now, you're going to miss school.
Sheldon: [sighs] True. [enters car]
Mary: I know you don't believe in it, but I'm gonna say an extra special prayer right now to keep us safe. Lord, please look after me and Sheldon on our drive to school... [door opens] [sighs] I'll get back to you.

Mary: You see Sheldon?
Missy: [points ]That way.
George: What's going on?
Mary: He's having some sort of panic attack.
Missy: [chuckles] Oh, man. My story just keeps getting better.

Mary: Baby, you can't go the rest of your life never getting in a car again.
Sheldon: Before cars were invented, people did it all the time.
Mary: [sighs] Well, I'm not gonna force you.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Mary: I can't get him in the car.
George: So what now?
Mary: So he's not going to school.
Missy: You know, on The A-Team, Mr. T is afraid to fly, and they give him special milk to put him to sleep.
George: Ooh.
Mary: No!
Missy: Aw.

Dr. Linkletter: [on the phone] If you turn to page 78 in the textbook, I'll begin today's lecture.
Sheldon: [gasps] We should come up with some kind of video system so you can see when I raise my hand.
Dr. Linkletter: Why don't you just tell me?
Sheldon: Let's try it. Hand-raise.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, Sheldon.
Sheldon: That worked great.

Edwin: Hey, Connie. Waiting for the mail?
Meemaw: Yeah. You know me.
Edwin: Yeah. Oh. Something from Publishers Clearing House. Maybe you won.
Meemaw: Yeah, wouldn't that be something?
Edwin: Yeah. You know, people think Publishers Clearing House is Ed McMahon, but that's actually a different company.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Edwin: Yeah. Publishers Clearing House is the Prize Patrol with the giant check. Ed McMahon...
Meemaw: Well, it sure is nice talking to you, Edwin. Bye.
Edwin: Oh. The church van. My grandma rides that sometimes.
Meemaw: Edwin.
Edwin: Hmm?
Meemaw: Beat it.
Edwin: All right. Yep.

Clayton: Connie Tucker?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Clayton: Give me one second. I'll help you in.
Meemaw: No, no, I don't need your help. I can get it myself.
Hortense: She opened that door by herself.
Vern: Looks like we got a feisty one.
Meemaw: Don't test me.
Hortense: Oh, yeah, she's feisty.
Doris: What?
Hortense & Vern: She's feisty! [Meemaw closes the van door]
Doris: What?

Vern: Vern.
Meemaw: Connie.
Vern: Where you headed, Connie?
Hortense: Stop flirting with her.
Vern: I'm not flirting with her. I was being cordial.
Hortense: Mm-hmm. I'm Hortense, his wife, which, clearly, he seems to have forgotten.
Vern: Judas Priest, give it a rest.
Hortense: That's Doris.
Meemaw: Hello, Doris.
Doris: What?
Vern: Turn on your hearing aid.
Meemaw: It's nice to meet y'all. And to answer your question, I'm headed to the salon.
Hortense: Oh, fancy. We're headed to the pharmacy.
Vern: Seven pills a day.
Hortense: You take nine... Clearly one ain't working.
Doris: Okay, I'm on. What'd I miss?
Hortense: She's headed to the salon!
Doris: Ooh, fancy.

Clayton: Hey, I'm just gonna run Doris into the bank. We'll be back in a minute. [Doris is walking off] Doris. Whoa. [closes van door]
Hortense: You seem like you can get around, so why are you in this geezer-buggy?
Meemaw: I had a little car accident.
Hortense: Oh, no.
Vern: Ooh. Anybody get hurt?
Meemaw: Only the tree.
Vern: Step on the wrong pedal?
Meemaw: No. Maybe.
Hortense: Maybe, my ass.
Vern: Hey, that sort of thing happens.
Hortense: Oh. He drove into all kinds of stuff before they took his keys away.
Vern: [chuckles] Remember the goose?
Hortense: Ooh.
Vern: Feathers everywhere.

Mary: I saw a truck outside. What's wrong with the phone?
Sheldon: Nothing. [drill whirrs] Adding a second line.
Lucas: I'm almost done here. Just got to hop up on the roof.
Mary: Hold on. You can't just add another phone line without asking.
Sheldon: I didn't do it. The university did.
Mary: Why would they do that?
Sheldon: I asked them to.
Lucas: Are you some sort of special kid?
Sheldon: You have no idea.
Mary: Shouldn't you be up on the roof?