George Sr.: It's like she's a different person.
Dale: That reminds me of a film. A lady fell off a boat, she hit her head, and when she woke up, she was a completely different person.
George Sr.: What's your point?
Dale: Did Mary fall off a boat recently?
George Sr.: Not that I know of.
Dale: Well, you should ask her.
George Sr.: We're not boat people, Dale.

George Jr.: [o.s.] Did you like school?
Dale: Hated it. I quit and I joined the Army.
George Jr.: [o.s.] How was that?
Dale: Less girls, more getting shot at.
George Jr.: [enters] Well, at least you made it out alive.
Dale: Well, then I got married. Made me kind of miss getting shot at.
George Jr.: Have you ever been happy?
Dale: Ooh, let's see. No.

Dale: Have you tried the meatballs here? They are fantastic.
Meemaw: I haven't. But speaking of meatballs, I hear you're gonna hang out with my son-in-law.
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Oh. You don't like that at all.
Meemaw: No, it's fine with me. I hope you all go out and have a grand old time.
Dale: Oh. Yeah, well, what's the matter? You afraid I'm gonna find out all your secrets?
Meemaw: Calm down. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Dale: Enjoying it? I'm loving it. Look how mad you're getting. Come on, what's he got on you? Did you do some jail time? Were you a go-go dancer?
Meemaw: Hmm.
Dale: Have you got a tattoo in a naughty place? Can I see it?

George Sr.: I really appreciate this, Dale.
Dale: Smuggling cigarettes? What the hell was she thinking?
George Sr.: It was Georgie's idea.
Dale: Well, that makes more sense. Well, whose truck we taking?
George Sr.: You're coming?
Dale: My ex-girlfriend in jail at the Mexican border? [chuckles] I got to take pictures.
George Sr.: [scoffs] All right, I'll drive.
Dale: But we got to stop and get film.

Meemaw: You looking for a new church?
Mary: Not yet.
Meemaw: 'Cause I can see you going Catholic. You got a "get thee to a nunnery" vibe.

Sheldon: Can you two help me with my homework?
George Sr.: Did I hear him right?
Missy: Yeah, he asked for help.
George Sr.: With his schoolwork?
Missy: Yep.
George Sr.: How long have you known him?
Missy: All my life.
George Sr.: Has he ever asked for help?
Missy: No.
Sheldon: Hello.

Sheldon: Good morning, everyone. Niblingo.
Mandy: I'm sorry, what?
Sheldon: It's an honorific I came up with to describe a woman who's carrying my future niece or nephew but is not related to me by law.
Missy: You remember Sheldon.
Mandy: I do.
Missy: [nods] Yeah.