Pastor Jeff: Evening! Evening! Mary.
Mary: Evening.
Pastor Jeff: How come George ain't taking out the garbage?
Mary: He's, uh... [inhales sharply] I am perfectly capable of taking the trash cans out.
Pastor Jeff: 'Course. You are woman... hear you roar. [chuckling]

Pastor Jeff: Okay, now our next baptism is for Sheldon Lee Cooper, our soon-to-be brother in Christ. And, personally, this is a big get for me.

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Peg: Cop a squat. Pastor Jeff: Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Mary: Well, we disagree. Reverend Travis says that the Lord wants me to be prosperous and I believe him.
Pastor Jeff: This is nothing but a coincidence. You overpaid your taxes, you got a refund, Jesus has nothing to do with it.
Mary: You sound like Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I believe I know my way out. [Mary points to the door]

Sheldon: For example, if Mandy and Georgie were married, she'd be our sister-in-law.
Missy: But they're not.
Sheldon: Exactly. So we need a term for the unmarried mother of our future niece or nephew.
Missy: How 'bout "Mandy"?
Sheldon: Follow me... if we knew the sex of the baby and it was a boy, I was thinking we could call Mandy "nephewterus," because she'd be having a nephew in her uterus. However, "nieceuterus" just doesn't hit the ear right.
Missy: I still think "Mandy" works.
Sheldon: Now, there is a gender-neutral term coined by linguist Samuel Martin in the 1950s, which takes the "N" from "niece" or "nephew" with "sibling"” to get "nibling."
Missy: So she'd be our nibling?
Sheldon: No, the baby's the nibling. Mandy would be either the niblingess or the niblinger. Or, in a swerve from our traditional German suffixes, "niblingo."
Missy: That one.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, that one's the winner.

Sheldon: What is happening to our family?
Missy: I know. Georgie and Meemaw in jail.
Sheldon: Mom getting kicked out of the church.
Missy: Georgie having a baby out of wedlock. You know what this means, don't you?
Sheldon: What?
Missy: We really are white trash.
Sheldon: Speak for yourself. I'm in college on a full ride. But I wish y'all luck.

Sheldon: Do you think Georgie got a tattoo in jail?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Do you think Meemaw did?
Mary: Probably.