Mary: Morning, Peg. I need to run Sunday's bulletin by Pastor Jeff. Is he in?
[JEFF COUGHING]
Peg: Yep.
[COUGHING CONTINUES]
Mary: Is he coming down with somethin'?
Peg: Yep. [COUGHS]
Mary: Oh, my, are you sick, too?
Peg: [COUGHING] Never better.

Meemaw: You like Willie Nelson?
Sheldon: That would require knowing the permeability of free space and natural units.
Meemaw: [MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES] I suppose I like Willie Nelson.

Sheldon: Maxwell's equation my sweet patootie!

Meemaw: Hey, moonpie. Ready to go?
Sheldon: Look at this.
Meemaw: 95? That's terrific.
Sheldon: No. If it was terrific, it would say 100 with the word "terrific" next to it.
Meemaw: Don't sweat it, you'll get 100 next time.
Sheldon: But I should have gotten it this time. Dr. Sturgis made a mistake.
Meemaw: And we're sweatin' it.

Adult Sheldon: It should come as no surprise that the very first grade I ever received was a "super-duper." Granted it was for counting spots on a ladybug, but still, I nailed it. Even as the difficulty of assignments grew, I maintained the same level of excellence. In every class, in every subject, I was perfect. Which is why this day hit me like a ton of bricks.

Adult Sheldon: Conventional wisdom tells us that when one stands up to a bully, the bully will inevitably back down and respect you for your courage. My experience suggests otherwise. When Jason finally caught me, he had the good sense not to commit assault and battery.
This did not, however, prevent him from imprisoning me in his locker.
That was a very long night. Very long.

Sheldon: Stop! You're not fighting Tommy, you're fighting me.
Tommy: Oh, boy.
Sheldon: Unless you want to shake hands and we all laugh about this over a glass of milk.
Jason: I think I'd rather kick both your asses.
Sheldon: I was afraid you'd say that. Are you familiar with the story of David and Goliath from the Bible?
Jason: Yeah.
Sheldon: That's too bad. I had a nice speech prepared. I'll say it anyway. You may have the size advantage, but like David and his sling, I also possess an air-based weapon. So I'll give you one more chance. Are you willing to step down?
Jason: I'll tell you what: you take the first shot, then it's my turn.
Sheldon: Very well. Three, two, one.
Jason: Ow! Son of a bitch!
Sheldon: I'm going to run.

Adult Sheldon: I didn't have the physical stature to assist Tommy in a brawl, but I did have something far more lethal: my once in a generation brain.

Adult Sheldon: While Tam prattled on about some family nonsense, I couldn't help but think about Tommy. At 3:00 pm, he was going to engage in a schoolyard battle that was entirely my fault. I had to find a way to intervene, but how?
Tam: Ooh, a Nutter Butter. Maybe she does love me.

Tam: Look at this, my mother left me a note. "You can do better. Mom." Not "Love, Mom," not "XO, Mom," just "Mom."

Mary: What on Earth did you say to Missy?
Meemaw: Why? What'd she do now?
Mary: Nothing, she was an angel. I dropped her off at school, and she hugged me in front of her friends.
Meemaw: Really?
Mary: And not just any friends. Heather M. was there, and that is a big deal.
Meemaw: I just gave her a little life advice.
Mary: Like what?
Meemaw: Nothing, just grandma stuff.
Mary: There you go again, being the good guy.
Meemaw: Mary, you need to know you're doing a fantastic job with those kids.
Mary: You really mean that?
Meemaw: I really do.
Mary: Thanks. I can't remember the last time someone said I was a good mom.
Meemaw: It's not a job that gets a lot of compliments.

Sheldon: Hello, Tommy. I have some unfortunate news.
Tommy: What's that?
Sheldon: I boasted to Jason Davies that you're my friend, and things took an unexpected turn.
You're scheduled to fight him at 3:00 p.m. on the basketball court.
Tommy: I don't want to fight Jason Davies.
Sheldon: I don't think you have a choice. He was pretty adamant.
Tommy: Fine, I'll deal with it.
Sheldon: You do have the option of simply not showing up.
Tommy: That's not how fights work, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why? Do they take attendance?

Sheldon: Excuse me. I'd like to ask you some questions about your use of intimidation to dominate others.
Jason: Are you trying to get your ass kicked?
Sheldon: No, I was just looking to open a spirited dialogue. And you might want to unhand me.
I'm friends with Tommy Clarkson.
Jason: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes.

Adult Sheldon: Like Superman in a phone booth, I was no stranger to undressing in my gym locker. But not today. Thanks to Tommy, I was invincible.

Adult Sheldon: News of my friendship with Tommy had apparently spread.
So much so, the student body was finally treating me with the respect I deserved, even when Tommy wasn't around. This must be how Carl Sagan felt, walking through the halls of PBS.

Meemaw: Your takeaway should be that you are the reason she's such a good mom, which she is. And the next time you hurt her feelings - which you will - you might remember how much you mean to her.
Missy: Now I feel bad.
Meemaw: [Meemaw hugs Missy] Good.

Meemaw: And as far as your mom, I think things started to turn around for her when she gave birth to you.
Missy: You mean me and Sheldon.
Meemaw: No, I mean you. I mean, Sheldon was born fine, but you were a different story.
Missy: Why?
Meemaw: Okay. Well, there was a point where the doctors didn't know if you were gonna make it. And your mom got so scared, and she made a promise to God that if you were okay, that she would start reading the Bible, going to church you know, that kind of stuff.
Missy: So I'm the reason she's a dud?

Missy: That's my mom?
Meemaw: [CHUCKLES] Yep, the little queen of darkness.
Missy: Is she smoking a cigarette?
Meemaw: Yep. Probably stole it from me.
Missy: When did she stop being cool?
Meemaw: Well, first of all, smoking is not cool.
Missy: You do it.
Meemaw: Yeah, well, next time I'm hocking up some black goo out of my lung, I'll call you over and you can see how cool it is.
Missy: Awesome.
Meemaw: It is not awesome.

George Sr.: Everything okay?
Mary: I'm getting tired of being the bad guy around here.
George Sr.: You're not the bad guy. Kids need boundaries.
Mary: That is easy for you to say. I am the only one doing it, and then everyone resents me for it.
George Sr.: Hey, you're not the only one. Just today, Georgie and Sheldon were fighting, and I totally took care of it.
Mary: Really? What was going on?
George Sr.: They... You know, boy stuff. Don't worry. I got your back.
Mary: Thank you. That means a lot.
George Sr.: Teamwork, babe.

Missy: How old was Mom when you let her wear makeup?
Meemaw: I don't know, I didn't really have rules like that.
Missy: See? How come you're so cool and she's such a dud?
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't call her a dud.
Missy: What would you call her?
Meemaw: Point is, she wasn't always like that.
Missy: What was she like?
Meemaw: When she was a teenager, she was just wild.
Missy: Really?
Meemaw: Oh, yeah. She used to wait until I went to sleep and then she would sneak out and get into trouble with her friends.
Missy: My mom?
Meemaw: Your mom. And then she would climb up the tree on the side of the house and sneak back in.
Missy: Amazing.
Meemaw: Is that how you're getting in?
Missy: I will never tell you that.