Mary: Maybe while you eat we could chat a little.
Mr. Gilford: I'm old, I'm alone, I'm gonna die soon. There, we've chatted.

Meemaw: Well, if he's wrong, then teach him to be right instead of berating him like a big ol' jackass.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's very hurtful!
Meemaw: Well, how 'bout that? They do run slower.

Missy: What's a hackle?

Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you're too immature.
Meemaw: Gentlemen, please.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry, but when someone with way less experience accuses me of not knowing what I'm talking about, my hackles are up.

Sheldon: To answer your question, Georgie, it's when a scientist is too immature to admit when he's wrong.

George Jr.: What's a math emergency?
George Sr.: That's when things don't add up. Oh, come on, guys. That was a good one.

Mary: I even did some marriage counseling for a couple of young newlyweds.
George Sr.: Ooh, what kind of trouble they having?
Mary: Oh, it's all confidential; I really can't say.
George Sr.: Well, I don't need specifics, just, you know, general terms.
Mary: They're having sexual problems.
George Sr.: Really? Newlyweds?
Mary: But we all prayed on it and then the answer came clear as a bell.
George Sr.: Yeah?
Mary: The husband is under a lot of stress at work and it's diminishing his natural desires.
George Sr.: Huh. What kind of work does he do he's got so much stress?
Mary: He owns that flower shop across from the post office.
George Sr.: Flower shop. Huh.
Mary: You've seen it. It's called The Pretty Petunia.
George Sr.: Huh.

Mary: And then he said, "For the rest of the day, you're in charge."
George Sr.: Mm.
Mary: Those were his exact words. Can you believe it? "You're in charge."
George Sr.: Well, that's great.
Mary: And thanks to me, this year United Methodist is gonna get stuck with all the limp palms.
George Sr.: Well, I don't know what that means, but good for you.

Dr. John Sturgis: It's all right, Connie. Sheldon's trying to justify his shortcut.
Sheldon: Not a shortcut, a more elegant and efficient method to achieve the correct answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I applaud the effort, young man.
Sheldon: Don't treat me like a child, treat me like a colleague.
Dr. John Sturgis: Fine. This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Sheldon: How could you say that?! [CRYING]
Meemaw: What are you doing?
Dr. John Sturgis: Treating him like a colleague.
Meemaw: Do you and your colleagues make each other run out of the room crying like that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sometimes. But we run slower, 'cause we're old.

Sheldon: You claim that the only way to calculate the magnetic field in QCD units is using Maxwell's equations, but you're completely discrediting energy density.
Dr. John Sturgis: But you're still off. By a factor of 3.54.
Sheldon: Which would seem insignificant, but when examined closely, you realize that it's the square root of four times pi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Your point being?
Sheldon: Rationalized and non-rationalized units differ by four times pi. Anyone with a basic knowledge of electric and magnetic fields would know that.
Meemaw: I'm lost. Are we still being civil?

Dr. John Sturgis: Go ahead, Sheldon, I'm all ears.
Sheldon: Well, when I'm done, you're going to be all tears.
Meemaw: Okay, fellas, let's keep it civil.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis, this is Sheldon. You're wrong and I can prove it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Is that so?
Sheldon: It is so.
Dr. John Sturgis: All right, little man, bring it on.

George Sr.: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: They wouldn't let me use the phone in the principal's office.
George Sr.: Who are you calling?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. It's a math emergency.
George Sr.: Don't you think you should've asked my permission first?
Sheldon: It's ringing. Yes or no?
George Sr.: You know what? I don't care.

Mary: Anything you can tell me about the Walkers?
Peg: Not really, just a couple of newlyweds trying to figure it out.
Mary: Well, marriage is hard.
Peg: I'll never know.
Mary: Oh don't think that way. I'm sure there's someone out there for you.
Peg: Oh, no, that's not the problem. I just don't want to waste this on just one guy.

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, hey, 95. Good job.
Sheldon: Really? I'm here every day and it's like you don't know me at all.
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, okay. Um, aw, 95, too bad.
Sheldon: There we go.

Ms. Hutchins: Sheldon, why aren't you in second period?
Sheldon: I'm working on this math problem.
Ms. Hutchins: I think you might be the first person in history who's ever cut class to do math.
Sheldon: The irony wasn't lost on me.

Ms. Ingram: Today we're gonna work on interior angles of a convex polygon. Georgie, where's your brother?
George Jr.: I don't know, do you really want him here?
Ms. Ingram: Convex polygons are polygons...

Mary: Okay, if you really want me to.
Pastor Jeff: I do. In fact, for the rest of the day, you're in charge. All right? The bulletins, the palms, it's all you.
Mary: Well, all right, um, but only if you promise to go home and get some rest.
Pastor Jeff: Sure. Home, movie theater, food court, somewhere.

Pastor Jeff: The Walker couple is coming in for counseling.
Mary: If you rescheduled, I'm sure they'd understand.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, what if you did it?
Mary: Marriage counseling? Don't you need some sort of training for that?
Pastor Jeff: Nah, you just listen, uh, give 'em a couple prayers, send 'em on their way.

Mary: Um, I have Sunday's bulletin for your approval. And I wanted to ask about ordering the palms for Palm Sunday. I know it's early, but as you remember last year, we waited too long and First United Methodist snatched up all the perky ones.