Man: [on the phone] Hello, you've reached the Tandy Tech Support Hotline.
Sheldon: I need help. I think I have a virus. I was playing this game, and then suddenly...
Man: [on the phone] Current wait time is 28 minutes.
♪ So tie a yellow ribbon... ♪
Adult Sheldon: It wasn't bad enough I had to wait, I also had to listen to rock and roll.

Jana: So... how serious is it with you two?
Missy: Well, we've held hands, hugged once, and we haven't kissed, but we did share a straw.
Jana: Wow, pretty serious.
George Jr.: They haven't even been on a date yet.
Jana: We got pretty serious before you ever took me on a date.
George Jr.: Cool it with that.

Missy: Can I ask a relationship question?
Jana: Of course.
Missy: Who said "I love you" first?
Jana: Funny you should ask.

Brenda Sparks: Now, I think he cared more about those stupid chickens than he did me.
Meemaw: Oh, that's not true.
Brenda Sparks: He took them when he left.
Meemaw: Okay, that's a tough one. Give me a sec.

George Sr.: Do you know anything about poker?
Billy Sparks: No.
Principal Petersen: That's all right, neither does this guy. [laughter]
Mr. Givens: Good one, boss.
Billy Sparks: This is fun.
Coach Wilkins: Good. Glad you're here.
Billy Sparks: My dad never let me play cards with him. And then he left.
Mr. Givens: Sorry, are we still playing? 'Cause I've got a really good hand.

David: [answers phone] Tandy Tech Support. This is David. How can I help you?
Sheldon: Hello, I'm having a problem with my Tandy 1000SL.
David: What's going on?
Sheldon: I think I have a computer virus.
David: [chuckles] Well, let's not jump there yet. Could be lots of things. What did you see?
Sheldon: Pixels started disappearing, and then a message read: "DISK DESTROYER - Your hard drive is now corrupted."
David: Yeah, that's a virus.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
David: Have you used any unlicensed software lately?
Sheldon: Um... I'm not sure I should answer that without consulting an attorney first.
David: Hey, hey, I get it. I play a lot of games, not always officially purchased. I'm just here to help get your computer up and running.
Sheldon: Thank you for understanding, David. I'm not usually a rule-breaker, but it was Railroad Kingdom and I really wanted it because I love trains. And it was $49.95. My mom said it was too expensive. And I was going to buy it eventually, and Tam said that was good enough, so I got a bootleg copy, and now I have a virus, which I very much deserve.
David: I'm sorry, who's Tam?

Missy: So no one's gonna say anything for the rest of the night?
Jana: Wouldn't be the first time no one's said anything when the subject of love came up.
George Jr.: I said something.
Jana: That doesn't count.
George Jr.: Missy, if you said "I love you" to Marcus, and he said "samesies," would you be okay with that?
Missy: Well...
George Jr.: And before you answer, remember who agreed to take you on a secret date.
Jana: Don't ask her, she's a kid.
George Jr.: She held hands and shared a straw!

Meemaw: You ready to start dating again?
Brenda Sparks: I think I need some time.
Meemaw: Well, if you change your mind, there's a gentleman over here at the bar who would like us to see his butt crack. [laughs]

Mary: So, then, was there no big blowup when he left?
Brenda Sparks: Not really.
Mary: Well, what happened?
Brenda Sparks: Let's see... We used to be happy. Little by little, we weren't. Then there was bickering, then there was silence, and then... it was over.
Mary: I mean... all couples bicker, right?
Meemaw: You worried about you and George?
Mary: Of course.
Brenda Sparks: I'm sure you guys will be fine.
Meemaw: And if it doesn't work out, I'd be happy to introduce you to Butt Crack Bob over here. [laughs]

Principal Petersen: Well, I know it's rough, but my old man left when I was around your age. What are you, about 16, 17?
Billy Sparks: I'm 12.
Principal Petersen: Damn.
George Sr.: You know, maybe he doesn't want to talk about this.
Coach Wilkins: Sometimes it's good to get stuff off your chest. My man's been through a lot. And we're here for you.
Billy Sparks: Thank you.
Mr. Givens: I'm gonna raise.
Principal Petersen: On the bright side, you could look after your mom now. That's what I did. Made a man out of me.
George Sr.: You know, Billy, sometimes these things are for the best.
Coach Wilkins: Why would you say that?
George Sr.: My parents had a bad marriage. Honestly, it... it was hard to be around.
Mr. Givens: Full boat, read 'em and weep. Come to papa. Sorry.

George Jr.: Should we just forget it and go home?
Jana: Fine by me.
Missy: Does the backseat get a vote?
George Jr.: You put me on the spot. I never said that to anyone before.
Jana: Me neither, and it didn't go well. Samesies.
George Jr.: I'm sorry. I'm not even sure what it's supposed to feel like.
Jana: Well, if you felt it, you'd know.
George Jr.: I know that I like you. A lot. More than anybody else.
Missy: Aw.
Jana: Really?
George Jr.: Yeah.
Missy: By the way, when Marcus is in the car, you can't be this lame.

David: [on the phone] Okay, so what we're gonna need to do is wipe your hard drive clean and reinstall the operating system.
Sheldon: What about all my files?
David: Do you have everything backed up?
Sheldon: I back up my files every Thursday night. I call it Backup Thursdays. It's not the catchiest, but it sums up the situation.
David: Perfect. After we wipe your drive, you can restore it, and you'll be good as new.
Sheldon: Thank you so much.
David: No problem. So, start by turning the computer off and inserting the DOS disk.
Sheldon: Wait, what if I used the backup disk after the virus was already on the computer?
David: Oh. Uh, then I'm afraid it's corrupted, too.
Sheldon: But how do I get my files?
David: You don't.
Sheldon: But I have all my old papers on there, my parents' taxes.
David: I'm sorry.

Principal Petersen: You ever play football?
Billy Sparks: No, sir.
Principal Petersen: Think about it. I will forge a birth certificate tomorrow.

Sheldon: Dad, something terrible happened.
George Sr.: What's the matter?
Sheldon: I lost all the files on my computer.
George Sr.: Oh, well, I'm sure you can get 'em back.
Sheldon: I can't, and It's all my fault.
George Sr.: All right, calm down.
Sheldon: I can't calm down. This is a disaster.
Billy Sparks: It'll be okay, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You don't understand. They're gone. And they're gone forever. And no matter what I do, they're never coming back, so it won't be okay.
Adult Sheldon: I wish I could tell you I realized the cruel irony of what I had just said to Billy, and apologized. But I didn't.

Adult Sheldon: I've never been good at sharing. I had to share a womb...
Missy: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
Sheldon: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
["Rico Suave" by Gerardo playing over headphones]
Adult Sheldon: ...a bedroom...
Missy: ♪ Rico...♪
Adult Sheldon: Even my train room had Georgie's sweaty weight bench in it.
George Jr.: Come on, George. One more. Feel the burn, big boy. Feel the burn.
Adult Sheldon: But when it came to academics, the spotlight was all mine.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, having you here has been a real boon to this university.
Adult Sheldon: [spotlight shines on Sheldon] I did love basking in its glow.
President Hagemeyer: So we could really use your help in raising the school's profile even higher.
Sheldon: Of course. My intellect is at your service.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. There is another young physics prodigy we want you to help us recruit. Her name is Paige Swanson. [electricity crackles]

Sheldon: But you don't need another child prodigy. You've already got me.
President Hagemeyer: And you have been... [scoffs] so great. Just imagine what it'd be like having two of you.
Sheldon: Well, why would you want two of me? I mean, I've heard even one of me is a lot to handle.
President Hagemeyer: Well, you're not afraid of a little competition, are you?
Sheldon: From Paige? Hardly. But I should warn you, she can be very difficult.
President Hagemeyer: Well, luckily I've had some practice with that lately.
Sheldon: And how do you handle it?
President Hagemeyer: Usually I, uh, play to their egos. You know, make them feel like the smartest person in the room.
Sheldon: And they fall for that?
President Hagemeyer: Well... [chuckles] not everyone's as smart as you, Sheldon.

Brenda Sparks: Hey, Mary.
Mary: Oh, Brenda. Love the haircut.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you. I was always afraid to go short, but I figured I already lost a husband. What's a few inches off the top?
Mary: Well, you look like a new person.
Brenda Sparks: I feel like a new person. I just needed to do something for me. It was either this or get a tattoo on my thigh.
Mary: I think you made the right choice.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I guess. I mean, who's seeing me naked these days?
Mary: Well, I wouldn't know.

June: What can I do for you?
Mary: Well, I guess I'm just looking for a change.
June: Uh-oh.
Mary: What's "uh-oh"?
June: Well, nothing, it's just, when the women come in looking for a change, it's usually relationship trouble.
Mary: [laughs softly] Oh... Well, not me. I'm fine.
June: Okay, but I got a perm and a divorce in the same week and I only regret one of them. [laughs]

Mary: Maybe this is a bad idea. I should come back.
June: No, no, no, no. Come on, you're already here. Either way, there's nothing wrong in a little change.
Mary: Okay. Uh... What do you think I should do?
June: Well, when you look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see?
Mary: I see a mom and... a wife.
June: Okay, that's the hair you already got. Who do you want to see?
Mary: Oh, um...
June: Maybe we start with the nails.
Mary: That's a great idea.

Sheldon: So now I'm supposed to talk Paige into coming to my school.
Meemaw: Maybe it'll be nice to have somebody your own age to hang out with.
Sheldon: Sure, so the next time someone says, "Hey, look what the kid genius did," people will say, "Which one? There's so many."
Meemaw: I thought you and that little girl were friends.
Sheldon: Missy's her friend. I'm her rival.
Meemaw: Well, I think you're getting worked up about nothing. Maybe she won't even decide to come to this school.
Sheldon: Oh, I see where you're going. I should convince her it's a terrible school. That's brilliant.
Meemaw: That's not where I was going.
Sheldon: Too late, I'm already there.