George Sr.: I'm guessing we're not having our once-a-week.
Mary: Sorry, I only have relations with gentlemen I like.

Meemaw: Well, I got to tell you how happy I am that y'all are spending the night with me.
Sheldon: Your house smells like cigarettes.
Meemaw: So happy.

Sheldon: Thank you, Georgie. You've been a wonderful teacher, and I'm very appreciative that you took the ti- Ah! My hands are black! Why are my hands black?
George Jr.: Relax. It's just the ink from the papers.
Sheldon: Why wasn't I warned of this?! [running his hands under a tap] Out, damned spot! That's from Shakespeare!

Sheldon: Paige? Why are you here?
Paige: The lecture.
Sheldon: Well, if you're looking to jump the line, I don't do cutsies.
Paige: No, I'm actually part of the lecture. Professor Patterson is my mentor at U.T.
Sheldon: Really? You're part of the quantum gravity team?
Paige: Yeah, it's actually really interesting. We've been examining all...
Sheldon: I know what it's about. It's why I've been waiting in line for three hours.
Paige: Wow, three hours to see me speak? I didn't know you were such a fan.

George Sr.: He's gonna be fine.
Mary: You don't have to tell me that. I know he's gonna be fine.
George Sr.: If you believe that, why aren't you in bed right now?
Mary: Because this is the same boy who couldn't find his way out of that sleeping bag.
George Sr.: He made his way out. Just took him five or ten minutes.

George Jr.: Oh, you want me to move this to the bedroom?
Mandy: It's a studio, this is the bedroom.
George Jr.: Oh. [drops mattress on the floor] There you go.
Mandy: How can I ever thank you?
George Jr.: Let's see... we are in the bedroom.
Mandy: What, so, like, take a nap?
George Jr.: [chuckles] Maybe after.
Mandy: Deal. [they kiss]

Missy: Meemaw picked me up in her new car.
Meemaw: We drove with the top down. A truck driver honked at us. [chuckles]
Missy: It was awesome.
Meemaw: See? Missy loves my car. I don't know what Dale's problem is.
Missy: You're too good for him anyway.
Mary: Should she really be hearing about all this?
Missy: Mom, she just got dumped. It's what you do. Ooh, is any of his stuff at your house? Let's set it on fire.
Mary: Don't you have homework?
Missy: My grandma's hurting. She needs me.
Mary: Go.

Mary: [sighs] I appreciate you picking Missy up from school, but she does not need to hear about your love life.
Meemaw: She's got to learn sometime.
Mary: Learn what?
Meemaw: That men suck.
Mary: Not all men... do that.
Meemaw: Suck. Say it.
Mary: No.
Meemaw: I want Missy back.

Mary: Oh, I know that you're hurting, and... I'm here for you, so... what do you need?
Meemaw: Great, take me drinking.
Mary: It is 3:30 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Yes, it's called happy hour.
Mary: I have to make dinner.
Meemaw: Oh, fine. I'll just be sad and drunk by myself. Maybe I'll go home with the bartender.
Mary: Missy! I have to go out with your meemaw, but I'll be back later with KFC.

Paige: You didn't stay for the Q and A.
Sheldon: I had no Q's, and therefore, needed no A's.

Paige: You got a roommate?
Sheldon: No, it's a single.
Paige: I have a chaperone. Mona. She's, like, 30. It's the worst.
Sheldon: Why do you need a chaperone?
Paige: Maybe they think I'm, like, some kind of troublemaker.
Sheldon: As the owner of the face you punched, they're right.

Meemaw: Then why are you in my bed?
Sheldon: I couldn't sleep. Our refrigerator is making a weird noise. But so was one of your nostrils, so don't expect me back tonight.

Meemaw: Go home before I call the police.
Sheldon: You wouldn't call the police on your Moonpie.
Meemaw: Then I'll call your mother.
Sheldon: That you would do.
Meemaw: And leave my extra key behind.
Sheldon: Aw.
Meemaw: (mocking Sheldon) Aw.

George Sr.: Oh, okay. Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money?
Mary: That's right.

George Jr.: All right. I know what I need to do.
Dale: Tell your parents?
George Jr.: Do the right thing and marry her.
Dale: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Georgie... no one has to get married here.
George Jr.: Well, my dad got my mom pregnant, and he married her.
Dale: Rushing into marriage with someone you hardly know is a bad idea.
George Jr.: Maybe we could be happy together.
Dale: How does she feel about you right now?
George Jr.: Pissed. But she's pregnant, so it's probably just chick hormones.
Dale: Well, tell her that and see what happens.

Sheldon: Guess what. Dr. Sturgis, Dr. Linkletter and I are starting an Isaac Asimov book club.
Meemaw: That's nice.
Sheldon: I'm glad you think so because you should join.
Meemaw: And I think... no.
Sheldon: But this is perfect for you.
Meemaw: Why?
Sheldon: Because three smart people will be there to explain things that go over your head.
Meemaw: I'm gonna bonk you over your head in a minute.

Mary: How do you plan on delivering these papers?
Sheldon: Bicycle.
Mary: You don't know how to ride a bicycle.
Sheldon: There's nothing I can't learn. A week ago, I didn't know how to take apart a refrigerator.

Missy: Mom, since Sheldon cost you all that money, who's your new favorite Me or Georgie?
Mary: You know I don't have favorites.
George Jr.: Yeah, right.
Mary: Okay, whoever takes the trash out first is my favorite.
Missy: She thinks we're stupid.

Adult Sheldon: I was envious of my meemaw. That night, she would get to experience one of my favorite stories for the very first time.
Meemaw: [v.o.] "If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore, and preserve for many generations, the remembrance of the city of God?" [outloud] What?!

George Sr.: Hey, what are you doing here?
George Jr.: I just had to talk to Dale.
George Sr.: You all right? You look like you saw a ghost.
George Jr.: Yeah, I'm good.
George Sr.: Look, I know I've been busy, but if you ever want to talk, I'm around.
George Jr.: Actually, uh... I-I... I got a... I got a girl pregnant.
George Sr.: What the hell's the matter with you?!
[George picks up Dale's cash register and smashes it through a glass display case, before tearing his own shirt off]
[reality:]
George Sr.: Hello? I said if you ever want to talk, I'm here.
George Jr.: Thanks. Gotta go.