George Sr.: All right, here's the deal. My kid's got a damn ulcer 'cause of you, so either you take him seriously, or you're gonna be taking me seriously. [INTERCOM BUZZES]
Mrs. Veazey: Yes, sir?
Dr. Hodges: Janice, why don't you send the little boy in? Right away.

Meemaw: I've got it. He's headed to Rusk. He's going to the hospital to see John.
George Sr.: I'll call the police.
Mary: Hurry!
Missy: Is Sheldon going to jail?
Mary: No!
Missy: Damn it.

Mary: Dot, dot, dot.
George Sr.: Uh, "S."
Meemaw: Got it.
Mary: Dot.
George Sr.: "E."
Meemaw: All right.
Mary: Another dot, dot, dot.
George Sr.: Uh, "S" again.
Meemaw: Okay.
Mary: What do we have so far?
Meemaw: "I am taking a bus. Fun fact about buses"
George Sr.: You got to be kidding me.
Mary: Oh, Lord.
Missy: Come on!

Sheldon: Did you have tuna for lunch or do you just smell like that all the time?
Clara: What?
Sheldon: Did you have tuna for lunch or do you smell like I heard it.
Clara: I'm just wondering who raised you.
Sheldon: My mother and father, and I suppose my meemaw.
Clara: Well, they don't seem like they're doing a great job.
Sheldon: Tell me about it. It's been quite the week.
Clara: I'm sure I'll regret this, but how so?
Sheldon: Before I tell you the story, how much do you know about the mathematics of robotic communication? That's okay. I'll put it into terms a bus lady can understand. There's a wide range of protocols used for inter-robotic...

Meemaw: Dots and dashes, maybe it's Morse code.
George Sr.: [rushing in] Where is he?
Mary: We think this is Morse code. What does it say?
George Sr.: Gee, I don't know.
Meemaw: What do you mean you don't know? You were in the Army.
George Sr.: Yeah, so? Can't do a push-up, either.
Meemaw: Well, that's a separate problem.

Sheldon: And here near apogee, we gimbal the engine to exert a torque that executes a pitchover maneuver to flip the rocket by 180 degrees.
Dr. Hodges: Well, that's very impressive. Thank you very much for taking the time-
Sheldon: I'm not done.
Dr. Hodges: Uh, sorry.

Missy: There's a list of sentences, and you're supposed to say if each one's a complete sentence or not.
George Jr.: The first one is, "Most people in the country" That doesn't sound like a sentence.
Missy: But ask me who drives pickup trucks.
George Jr.: Who drives pickup trucks?
Missy: Most people in the country.
George Jr.: Well, now it does sound like one.

Missy: "I knew you were going to open this the moment I left. To slow you down I've shrouded my destination in code." What a dork.

Mary: You were very rude to your grandmother.
Sheldon: Dad's rude to her all the time.
George Sr.: That is not... the point.

Sheldon: Good news. You can take me to the lecture after all.
Meemaw: Why is that?
Sheldon: I told Dr. Linkletter everything you-
Meemaw: Stop. Come inside.
Sheldon: Why?
Meemaw: 'Cause there's kids in this neighborhood who don't need to hear the language I'm about to use.

George Jr.: Hey, Veronica.
Veronica: What was that about?
George Jr.: Just conducting a little business.
Veronica: Careful. When my sister sold stuff at school, she ended up in juvie.

Dr. Linkletter: [answering phone] Grant Linkletter.
Sheldon: [whispering] This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm speaking quietly because I'm calling from a library.
Dr. Linkletter: [whispering] Hello, Sheldon. Nice to hear from you.
Sheldon: Why are you whispering? Are you in a library?
Dr. Linkletter: Good point. [clears throat, speaks normally:] How can I help you?
Sheldon: My meemaw doesn't want to take me to the lecture because she thinks that you're just using me to spend time with her.
Dr. Linkletter: I see. Well, you're an intelligent young man. What do you think?
Sheldon: I think she's wrong, and you invited me because you know I appreciate the subject matter.
Dr. Linkletter: Exactly right. You're even smarter than I thought.
Sheldon: I knew it. [to Tam] My meemaw couldn't be more wrong.
Kid: Shh!
Sheldon: Oh, like you were reading a book anyway.

Dr. Hodges: This is groundbreaking work. Thank you.
Sheldon: And?
Dr. Hodges: And?
Sheldon: I thought you might want to apologize.
Dr. Hodges: Well why?
Sheldon: You tried to shut me up with a patch.
Dr. Hodges: Well, I-I give those to everyone. A-And you have to understand, Sheldon, that while your math is-is theoretically correct, we don't have the technical capability to execute it.
Sheldon: So I'm ahead of my time?
Dr. Hodges: Well it would appear so.
Sheldon: All right, call me when you catch up.

George Jr.: Hey? What you buying?
Preston: M&Ms?
George Jr.: Cool. Peanut or plain?
Preston: Am I in trouble?
George Jr.: You are if you waste your money on that machine.
Preston: What?
George Jr.: I'm selling the same stuff for half the price.
Preston: Cool. Oh, you got Abba-Zabas?
George Jr.: Do I have Abba-Zabas.
Preston: ... Do you?
George Jr.: Yeah.

George Sr.: Uh, you order something from the Mountain View Candy Company?
George Jr.: Oh, yeah. Thanks.
George Sr.: The hell is it?
George Jr.: A big old box of candy. [closes his bedroom door]
Missy: [opens her bedroom door] What's all this about candy?

Dr. Linkletter: Uh, Sheldon, if you're interested, an old friend of mine is giving a lecture next week on the mathematics of robotic communication.
Sheldon: Really?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. If your grandmother's willing to drive you, maybe we can all go. Make a night of it.
Sheldon: Oh, we'll be there.
Meemaw: Uh-uh-uh, wait, we-we don't even know what night it is.
Dr. Linkletter: Thursday.
Meemaw: Oh. Thursday might be a problem for me.
Sheldon: Thursday's perfect for you.
Dr. Linkletter: Wonderful.
Meemaw: You don't know that.
Sheldon: Yes, I do. Mondays you have bowling, Tuesday's water aerobics, Wednesday, salsa dancing, Fridays, you bring me here. Your Thursday was wide open, but not anymore. We'll see you then.

Missy: How old was Mom when you let her wear makeup?
Meemaw: I don't know, I didn't really have rules like that.
Missy: See? How come you're so cool and she's such a dud?
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't call her a dud.
Missy: What would you call her?
Meemaw: Point is, she wasn't always like that.
Missy: What was she like?
Meemaw: When she was a teenager, she was just wild.
Missy: Really?
Meemaw: Oh, yeah. She used to wait until I went to sleep and then she would sneak out and get into trouble with her friends.
Missy: My mom?
Meemaw: Your mom. And then she would climb up the tree on the side of the house and sneak back in.
Missy: Amazing.
Meemaw: Is that how you're getting in?
Missy: I will never tell you that.

Adult Sheldon: News of my friendship with Tommy had apparently spread.
So much so, the student body was finally treating me with the respect I deserved, even when Tommy wasn't around. This must be how Carl Sagan felt, walking through the halls of PBS.

Mary: Now, come on, let's tuck you in.
Missy: I'm glad I don't have orange hair.
Mary: Me, too, baby.
Missy: I want to be more like Madonna.
Mary: Are you trying to kill me? 'Cause if you are, good job.
Missy: Why is she only like a virgin?
Mary: Good night!

Adult Sheldon: Like Superman in a phone booth, I was no stranger to undressing in my gym locker. But not today. Thanks to Tommy, I was invincible.