President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, I am the president of this university. I don't handle noise complaints. That's why there's a resident advisor.
Sheldon: Oh, I went to him.
President Hagemeyer: And?
Sheldon: You saw me sleeping on the bench like a hobo. What do you think?
President Hagemeyer: Can't you just... I don't know... chalk this up as part of the college experience?
Sheldon: Yeah, the clown college experience. I'm sorry. I'm cranky.

Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Sheldon: Missy and I broke a lot of rules the other night, and we've received no punishment.
George Sr.: [sighs] Buddy, it's been a rough week. We're just glad you're both safe.
Sheldon: But in the absence of a divine being, society's rules are what keeps a person's morality in check.
George Sr.: Well, there you go.
Sheldon: No, y-you're not following me. If actions have no repercussions, society breaks down, everything devolves into chaos.
George Sr.: You might be overthinking this.
Sheldon: I thought so, too. Then I thought about it, and I'm not.
George Sr.: Sheldon, you had one bad night. Just let it go.
Sheldon: But... I did something wrong and I got away with it. That's not okay.
George Sr.: Buddy...
Sheldon: Socrates maintained that the man who lies to himself has an enemy living within. He's not even a person. He's just a chaos of selfish desires wrapped in an animal hide.

Missy: What's it like to not believe in God?
Sheldon: It's great. Big fan.
Missy: Are you ever afraid you're wrong?
Sheldon: About religion? Never. About other things? Also never.

Sheldon: May I help you?
Bobby: There's no hot water.
Sheldon: There is for rule followers.
Tommy: You can't just turn off the hot water.
Bobby: Yeah.
All: Yeah.
Sheldon: If you want the benefits of civilization, you have to behave in a civilized manner. The decision is yours.
[cut to Sheldon taped up against the wall as rock music plays:]
Sheldon: I don't need a pen and paper to take names. [a student skateboards by] You. What's your name? You know I'll find out and there will be consequences. Hey, what are you... [a student covers Sheldon's mouth in tape] [muffled grunting]

Mary: I have a wild and crazy idea.
George Sr.: Ooh, I like where this is headed.
Mary: Let's make a baby.
George Sr.: You're kidding, right?
Mary: I don't know. It might be fun to start over.
George Sr.: Fun? What house you been living in?
Mary: I'm serious. We've been getting along so great, and I have all this extra time on my hands. Uh, let's take advantage.
George Sr.: Your son's about to have a baby. You can take care of that one.
Mary: No, my mother called dibs.
George Sr.: Your mother's a million years old. You think she's gonna be changing diapers in the middle of the night? [Mary scoffs] I'll tell you what your problem is. You got kicked out of your church, your-your kids are grown up, you're feeling sorry for yourself, and, yeah, you think a baby'll solve the problem. [Mary is silent] Well? Say something.
Mary: You make me so mad. [walks off]
George Sr.: Where you going? We can still do it mad.

George Jr.: I'm being nothing but nice here. I don't know why you got to give me a hard time.
Mandy: Why? I'll tell you why. You ruined my life. Is that enough "why" for you?
George Jr.: Hey, you weren't so innocent. If I recall, you provided alcohol to a minor... me. That's illegal.
Mandy: You lied about your age.
George Jr.: You lied first.
Mandy: Okay, you know what? Let's not do this in front of your sister.
Missy: It actually feels normal. Keep going.
George Jr.: And let's not forget, I only lied 'cause you're hot.
Mandy: Oh, my God. We don't need to watch a movie about a talking baby. You're right here.