Dale: So, how'd you hear about these poker machines?
Meemaw: I know a guy.
Dale: What kind of guy?
Meemaw: A guy who knows a guy.
Dale: Well, what do you know about that guy?
Meemaw: He owned a riverboat casino.
Dale: He owned?
Meemaw: He might be dead.
Dale: Dead?
Meemaw: He might not be. They never found the body.

Sheldon: Do people know about this?
Meemaw: Sheldon, what's on a person's face is not always what's in their heart.
Sheldon: Well, this changes everything. How do you know who to trust?
Meemaw: You don't. That's what makes life interesting.

George Jr.: Hey, now that you're treating him like an adult, can I have his allowance?
George Sr.: That allowance is for chores, which you already don't do.
George Jr.: Come on. We all know I'm your favorite.
Meemaw: You're not even his third favorite.

Mary: Mom, can you make the salad?
Meemaw: Sure.
George Sr.: Hey, don't put in any of those little tomatoes.
Meemaw: Hey, I don't tell you how to impersonate a lump of clay. You don't tell me how to make a salad.

Sheldon: May I help you?
Bobby: There's no hot water.
Sheldon: There is for rule followers.
Tommy: You can't just turn off the hot water.
Bobby: Yeah.
All: Yeah.
Sheldon: If you want the benefits of civilization, you have to behave in a civilized manner. The decision is yours.
[cut to Sheldon taped up against the wall as rock music plays:]
Sheldon: I don't need a pen and paper to take names. [a student skateboards by] You. What's your name? You know I'll find out and there will be consequences. Hey, what are you... [a student covers Sheldon's mouth in tape] [muffled grunting]

Mary: I have a wild and crazy idea.
George Sr.: Ooh, I like where this is headed.
Mary: Let's make a baby.
George Sr.: You're kidding, right?
Mary: I don't know. It might be fun to start over.
George Sr.: Fun? What house you been living in?
Mary: I'm serious. We've been getting along so great, and I have all this extra time on my hands. Uh, let's take advantage.
George Sr.: Your son's about to have a baby. You can take care of that one.
Mary: No, my mother called dibs.
George Sr.: Your mother's a million years old. You think she's gonna be changing diapers in the middle of the night? [Mary scoffs] I'll tell you what your problem is. You got kicked out of your church, your-your kids are grown up, you're feeling sorry for yourself, and, yeah, you think a baby'll solve the problem. [Mary is silent] Well? Say something.
Mary: You make me so mad. [walks off]
George Sr.: Where you going? We can still do it mad.

George Jr.: I'm being nothing but nice here. I don't know why you got to give me a hard time.
Mandy: Why? I'll tell you why. You ruined my life. Is that enough "why" for you?
George Jr.: Hey, you weren't so innocent. If I recall, you provided alcohol to a minor... me. That's illegal.
Mandy: You lied about your age.
George Jr.: You lied first.
Mandy: Okay, you know what? Let's not do this in front of your sister.
Missy: It actually feels normal. Keep going.
George Jr.: And let's not forget, I only lied 'cause you're hot.
Mandy: Oh, my God. We don't need to watch a movie about a talking baby. You're right here.